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Locked. And. Loaded.

July 12, 2010

True confession: my last bra was purchased at a grocery store. Apparently, being able to procure milk and applesauce along with undergarments seemed like a benefit to me at the time.

Before having my kids – when my fashionable chichis became deflated not-so-fun-bags – I would spend gobs of cash and time picking out sexy unmentionables. Years later, my idea of lingerie is flannel tops and bottoms that actually match (try to contain yourselves, fellas).

I turned 40 this year and instead of looking to climb or jump off of some natural wonder, I decided to get a professional bra fitting. It was time for my girls to become women.

I enlisted the help of my friend, B, who knows of such matters: her rack is ridiculous and she’s currently knocked up, so if not for specialty bra stores, god only knows what kind of pup tents she’d be taping herself into.

We drove to the crummiest storefront in the dodgiest strip mall in the sketchiest part of town. If I didn’t find a bra, I was pretty sure I could score some crack or an illegal card game.

In the store, I was immediately lassoed with a tape measure by a British lady who should’ve been teaching manners to royalty rather than hawking hooter-holders. She loudly proclaimed me to be a – wait for it – 36 DOUBLE D. Booyah!

Anyone who knows me, or ever saw me waiting for a bus from a distance, knows that a Double D, I am not. It is, how they say, to laugh. But this bra broad seemed convinced, so I let her bring me an assortment of brassieres that only Mad Men’s Joan Halloway could do proud.

She showed me how to lean forward and scoop any wiggly bits – aside from the main two – up into the cups, then she strapped me in. The resulting sensations were likely akin to those felt by foot-binding geishas, but in the breasticles region.

My girls were hoisted up near my collarbone, leaving me immobile from neck to ribs. I instinctively resorted to shallow Lamaze breathing. Then I looked in the mirror and stopped breathing altogether: I was a bombshell!

Suddenly, scary bra lady became fairy breast mother. She informed me that I’d been wearing my bra as more of a belt, when I should’ve been aiming for a necklace. Sure, I could buy a week of groceries with the coin I dropped for my new magic bra, but we (me, my new rack and my happy husband) think it was worth every penny.

Plus, it’s still cheaper than a boob job.


This is me in my backyard.

18 Comments leave one →
  1. July 12, 2010 1:20 pm

    please tell me where and how much dough you had to lay out. I need the british lady in my life. Stat.

  2. shannon permalink
    July 12, 2010 8:28 pm

    Why didnt you hook me up when I was there?

  3. July 13, 2010 12:42 am

    Ok, people. My 87-year-old grandma is hilarious! She can’t be bothered to learn about filling out a comment, but passed on this pearl of wisdom to me:

    Now tell me … am I supposed to get the “roll”that is under my bosom into a bra ( the roll is bigger than my boobs)?????

    She’s the Betty White of her condo! Someone get this woman a sitcom, stat!

    • Debra Kenly Troescher permalink
      July 13, 2010 5:20 pm

      OK – now that I’ve stopped peeing my pants from laughter at grandma’s comment…. let me tell you I’m so excited that you’re writing this blog. I’ve always know what a terrific writer you are, not to mention one that can craft a resume so well that even a chimp could get a CEO interview. Love ya lots my old roomie!!

  4. Krista permalink
    July 13, 2010 12:42 am

    If she made you a DD, maybe she could make me a B!

  5. July 13, 2010 12:52 am

    I have a sudden desire to find my own breast fairy and see what happens to my 32A’s when she gets hold of them!

  6. Fatima permalink
    July 13, 2010 7:13 pm

    Nicely done Lady – I look forward to many more!

  7. Andrea Bitner permalink
    July 14, 2010 1:17 am

    Lori, after how much I laughed, I will need not only a breast fairy, but a face fairy too, please give me her details, so Dr. Love will be happy too… Thanks for invite me here…

  8. July 14, 2010 2:16 am

    This was great…I’m definitely way overdue for my “necklace” fitting!

    • July 14, 2010 3:16 am

      Thanks for stopping by, Amanda! I think there are many of us belt-wearers out there…I’m thinking of starting a support group, a la Weight Watchers or AA…

  9. "B" permalink
    July 14, 2010 4:10 pm

    Honey – you rock! Such a hilarious account of our visit to the store… you should contact them for royalites for all your referrals to the breast fairy!

  10. August 3, 2010 5:16 pm

    the lean & scoop has been my save for years 😉

    • August 3, 2010 8:23 pm

      It’s truly a blessing (take what you can get) and a curse (that the extra parts are there in the first place!).

      Thanks for reading/commenting,


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