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“HEY! You Know What To Do…”

July 14, 2010

When my two-year-old daughter utters these words in public, I cringe. Because I know what’s coming. And I know it will be yelled with all the grace and charm of a biker after a 4-day bender:

“Smell my fuzzy little butt!”

This is her catch phrase, her personal playground calling card. My little darling’s language skills are precocious and her sense of humor is best described as Frat House Lite. She learned it where she learns all her best material: from her six-year-old brother (more about him another day…).

When helping her get dressed, my daughter will kindly warn me, “Mommy, watch out for my NUTS!” and laugh hysterically. Another classic involves bonking into me and proclaiming it to be the “perfect weenie shot.”

There’s no need to point out that we are both, in fact, nut-less and weenie-free. This is something she already knows, which is why she finds it so funny. She also loves to tell everyone around her – loud and proud – when she farts. And her favorite prank involves making pre-puke sounds, pulling open someone’s collar, and then doing a faux retch down their shirt. I could go on, but I feel a migraine coming…

The most incongruous part is that she looks, and usually acts, like an innocent little angel: gorgeous blonde locks, big blueberry eyes and a perfect rosebud mouth framed by the sweetest little dimples. Her face is like Michelangelo, but her humor is 100% Farrelly Brothers.

The thing is, I love that she’s so funny. Her timing is great and she cracks everyone up with her jokes. I just wish it didn’t involve words like nuts, fart and weenie. At least not until she’s out of diapers.

11 Comments leave one →
  1. July 14, 2010 12:23 pm

    Hmmmm I wonder where your kids pick up this sense of humour from???

  2. andrea bitner permalink
    July 14, 2010 12:58 pm

    hi again,
    i can see her, as pretty as an angel and… well genetics do work!!! lets see what “out of diappers” bring to her vocabulary… jajaja

  3. Beps permalink
    July 14, 2010 4:17 pm

    No way QT, I think your dreaming these events… they are both such angels, no!? All the same I really enjoyed the account of your daily life – let’s hope I have another boy because I think I would lock her indoors until she’s 5!

  4. July 14, 2010 5:45 pm

    Today was another gem: putting a finger up each nostril and saying, “I can’t hear you.”

  5. July 14, 2010 9:07 pm

    This post cracked me up. And since my 22-month old daughter is already talking about butts and pointing at my crotch and laughing, I expect that she’ll be much like your daughter as her verbal skills grow.

    • July 14, 2010 10:13 pm

      Oh crap, Melissa
      – does she know my son??? 😉
      Thanks for reading!

  6. Kevin permalink
    July 14, 2010 9:26 pm

    Don’t take this the wrong way, but I love your kids! LOL
    Can’t wait to read more of these great stories of yours.

  7. July 14, 2010 11:35 pm

    *Cracking up* She’s funny like her CRAZY-ASS MAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. patricia permalink
    July 18, 2010 4:18 pm

    Very funny Lori! My 9 year old just took a delightful video of his face as he took a “thumper dumper”! Very nice.

  9. August 3, 2010 7:17 pm

    You write so well, I can’t help but laugh out loud when I read your posts! Absolutely love the stories about your kids…I’m sure anyone with kids of their own (or young nieces and nephews like myself) will feel some sympathy with you. I remember taking my two year-old niece to a nursery to buy some plants…as we walked in there was a nude Venus-esque statue standing in the middle of a pond. My niece promptly pointed to it and yelled “boobies!”. I couldn’t help but laugh 😛

    • August 3, 2010 8:16 pm

      Oh, the boobies…my daughter asked last week if she could squeeze mine and when I told her they were private she asked, “Will they pop?” To which I replied, “Sadly, they are not the kind that pop…”

      Thanks for stopping by to read my blog – I appreciate it!


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