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How Much Do I Embarrass Thee? Let Me Count the Ways…

July 16, 2010

I’m constantly embarrassing myself. And I’m not talking about when your kid does something, like yell, “MOMMY! LOOK AT DA BIG COCK!” when he sees a scale at the supermarket (yep, he did). I’m talking about being 100% the master of your mortification. The kind where you look back and think, “What the #!* was I thinking/smoking/drinking?” Stuff like this:

1) Propositioned a Teenaged Movie Theatre Concession Employee

I love licorice at the movies, but I loathe when it’s stale, and I’ll often check to make sure they’re squishy. One time, I approached a pimply-faced little worker bee and asked, “Excuse me, can I just give your nibs a squeeze to see if they’re fresh?” Had I been a nubile sixteen-year-old, I probably would’ve made his day. Unfortunately, I was well into my thirties and more likely wearing mom jeans, so I’m pretty sure I scarred him for life. Now, I stick to Rolos.

2) Pulled a When Harry Met Sally at the Hair Salon

I have a lot of thick, crazy hair. It’s also gray (not an Anderson-Cooper-sophisticated-silver-fox gray…it looks like cement) and so big that small animals could live in there quite comfortably, were it not for monthly trips to the salon for coloring.

Getting my hair washed by a pro is a religious experience for me because you have to dig for days to reach my scalp. A few years ago, I was so blissed out during the scalp massage that I actually moaned. Loudly and very inappropriately. I caught myself, but not before the shampoo girl and half the salon heard me. I tipped extra and changed salons.

3) Sang at an Open Audition for “Mamma Mia”

I can’t stress enough that this was my idea. And, I was sober. Back in the day (i.e. pre-mom jeans), I fancied myself quite the actress. I did a million classes, plays, had an agent, headshots…the works (no, you haven’t seen me in anything, unless you enjoy safety training or student films). Anyway. I heard about an open call for “Mamma Mia” and decided it was time to unleash my talent on the world. I showed up and took my place in line behind 200 other delusional boneheads, waiting hours for my turn to go before a casting dude who resembled John Malkovich in one of his more terrifying roles. Needless to say, I warbled only a few lines before being shown the door.

I’m just happy this was before the days of “American Idol”, because I’m pretty sure that would’ve seemed like another brilliant idea to me and I would’ve made the all-star blooper real with William Hung.

4) Wrote About Bra Shopping

Suddenly I understand why I keep having these ridiculous moments. They’ve given me something to write about. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to catch a train so I can fall asleep on a stranger’s shoulder…

LD

What are some of your mortifying moments? Spill in the comments…I won’t tell…

Like this, but with a sink.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. July 16, 2010 2:48 pm

    I have the same hair situation you do, and I have to bite my lip HARD to keep from moaning when someone is washing it. Or combing it. Or styling it in general. This is why I cut my own hair now.

    • July 16, 2010 2:50 pm

      I KNOW, right? Forget traditional foreplay…give me a man who knows his way around a bottle of Suave over ear nibbling any day…

      (thanks for stopping by!)

  2. Lynne permalink
    August 2, 2010 2:35 am

    I laughed out loud reading this post. Very funny!
    Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for you, neither my children nor I ever do anything to cause me embarrassment. Because I spend most of my time at home locked in my bathroom nursing a bottle of Listerine.
    One time though, before kids, my dog embarrassed me. We were having a chi-chi meeting in our living room with a fancy landscape designer whom we hoped to convince to work with us on our hellish alpine front yard. At a critical moment during our urbane design conversation, our dog Murphy sat on his bum in front of us, made eye contact, lifted his two back feet slightly and pulled himself with his front legs diagonally across the living room floor. He grunted as he scooted. And he took his time.
    (PS – Designer offended. Front yard still alpine and hellish.)

    • August 4, 2010 9:22 pm

      One question: why haven’t YOU started a blog?!?!? You’re hilarious!

      Lori

  3. August 3, 2010 10:55 pm

    I had been out running errands and shopping with my two year old for several hours and it finally become necessary to chage his diaper, so we went into the wal mart bathroom and I pulled down the changing table and just as I start to undress him to change is stinky butt when the lady in the front stall very loudly begins doing her business. My child, in the loudest voice possible, say to me… “MOMMY…. she tooted. Her butt is dirty, change her diaper too!!! ” OMG… I ran out of the bathroom with my child half dressed. And to this day, I refuse to change him until I have checked every stall to ensure it is empty. And if there are people, I take him to the car to change him.

    • August 4, 2010 12:50 am

      That is hilarious! My son is always asking me to tell him embarrassing stories, so I might have to borrow that one… 😉

      Thanks for your comment!
      Lori

  4. August 5, 2010 2:37 am

    I am so glad I stopped to read your blog when I saw it on the front page the other day, you are hilarious! I seriously laughed out loud reading this post!!! Have you ever read Louise Rennison?? Her Georgia Nicolson series is a little young, but she is just as hilarious and also the source of my embarrassing story! Back in high school we had silent reading everyday during third period and one week I just so happened to discover the first Georgia book (Angus, Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging). At first it was just small giggles, which quickly escalated to stifled snickers, but then I hit a really funny part and I started laughing, REALLY laughing, out loud. So amused was I that I actually SNORTED! Loudly. In front of the entire class! Because apparently they had all stopped reading their books as soon as I started laughing and were all starting at me! Oy vey! Needless to say it was a while before I lived that one down, but at least I convinced several people to start reading the books! 🙂

    • August 5, 2010 8:25 am

      Hey Kristi – thanks for stopping by! I think it’s amazing that you’re blogging (took me 40 years – and the invention of, you know, computers) to get the courage. I’ll definitely pick up her stuff; I love young adult books. 😉

      Lori

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