Like many kids, mine love to be naked. Were it socially acceptable and not central Canada, I’m convinced they’d be full-time nudists.
My three-year-old is constantly rallying us to join her in a naked party. It consists of her whipping off her clothes and diaper (yep – still her ass butler) and blasting the iPod (anything from the Beyonce oeuvre). There is also a strong likelihood that bed jumping will ensue.
My husband and I always politely decline her invitations to drop trou because, let’s face it, nobody needs to see us shakin’ it like the rent’s due tomorrow. But the seven-year-old? He lives for naked parties. It usually goes something like this:
Boy: “Uh huh?”
Girl: “You wanna have a nekkid pahtee?”
Boy (already stripped and doing his best Ed Grimly): “Oh YEAH!”
Me: “STOP IT! She only comes up to your waist! You’re going to hurt her!”
Luckily, their inclinations are contained to our house, but not for lack of trying. When she gets nervous meeting a potential new friend, my daughter instinctively lifts her shirt up. To break the ice, she’ll tell them, “I having a nekkid pahtee in my house!” My husband is not impressed.
My son is less concerned with undressing himself in public than he is seeing everyone else in the buff. Case in point: Last week I feared we’d be banned from the Gap when he kept peeking (and reaching) up a mannequin’s skirt. Apparently, the Gap is a school-kids-curious-about-their-bodies paradise, because a nearby girl was peeking down the shorts of the male mannequin.
The silver lining is that they’re already street-proofed against anyone else seeing them naked. When my mom tried to dry my son off after a bath a few years ago, he stated that, “Nobody’s allowed to touch my penis.” And, after a cashier told her she was cute, my daughter responded, “My vi-nah is private.”
I also know things could be a lot worse: years ago, I was at the public library when a pre-schooler stripped down while her mom obliviously perused a magazine. When I pointed out her little streaker, the mom yelled at her, “How many times have I told you – NO GETTING NAKED IN PUBLIC!”
At the time, I remember thinking what a crappy mother she was for not controlling her hedonistic hell-raiser. Now, that judgey-mom-karma has come back to bite me, right in the naked ass.
* Her nickname for her brother, due to mispronunciation of his name rather than a fondness for Lady Gaga, or a desire to turn him into a cabaret singer.