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Naked Party!

July 28, 2010

Like many kids, mine love to be naked. Were it socially acceptable and not central Canada, I’m convinced they’d be full-time nudists.

My three-year-old is constantly rallying us to join her in a naked party. It consists of her whipping off her clothes and diaper (yep – still her ass butler) and blasting the iPod (anything from the Beyonce oeuvre). There is also a strong likelihood that bed jumping will ensue.

My husband and I always politely decline her invitations to drop trou because, let’s face it, nobody needs to see us shakin’ it like the rent’s due tomorrow. But the seven-year-old? He lives for naked parties. It usually goes something like this:

Girl: “Gaga?”*
Boy: “Uh huh?”
Girl: “You wanna have a nekkid pahtee?”
Boy (already stripped and doing his best Ed Grimly): “Oh YEAH!”
Me: “STOP IT! She only comes up to your waist! You’re going to hurt her!”

Luckily, their inclinations are contained to our house, but not for lack of trying. When she gets nervous meeting a potential new friend, my daughter instinctively lifts her shirt up. To break the ice, she’ll tell them, “I having a nekkid pahtee in my house!”  My husband is not impressed.

My son is less concerned with undressing himself in public than he is seeing everyone else in the buff. Case in point: Last week I feared we’d be banned from the Gap when he kept peeking (and reaching) up a mannequin’s skirt. Apparently, the Gap is a school-kids-curious-about-their-bodies paradise, because a nearby girl was peeking down the shorts of the male mannequin.

The silver lining is that they’re already street-proofed against anyone else seeing them naked. When my mom tried to dry my son off after a bath a few years ago, he stated that, “Nobody’s allowed to touch my penis.” And, after a cashier told her she was cute, my daughter responded, “My vi-nah is private.”

I also know things could be a lot worse: years ago, I was at the public library when a pre-schooler stripped down while her mom obliviously perused a magazine. When I pointed out her little streaker, the mom yelled at her, “How many times have I told you – NO GETTING NAKED IN PUBLIC!”

At the time, I remember thinking what a crappy mother she was for not controlling her hedonistic hell-raiser. Now, that judgey-mom-karma has come back to bite me, right in the naked ass.


* Her nickname for her brother, due to mispronunciation of his name rather than a fondness for Lady Gaga, or a desire to turn him into a cabaret singer.

There but for the grace of God...

27 Comments leave one →
  1. July 28, 2010 8:16 am

    That is hilarious. My son has recently started to yell “Nated” (naked) and pull his diaper off. I think a naked party would be even better!

  2. July 28, 2010 2:30 pm

    I’m sure there are a lot of people out there having their own naked parties (some are probably illegal, though). Funny post!

    • July 28, 2010 5:30 pm

      Alas (or not!), this is the only naked party I’m getting invited to these days…

  3. July 28, 2010 5:27 pm

    From my mother who is too lazy to log in as herself and fill out the fields: Cute story, Lori… brought a smile to this old lady!!

  4. coffeepearlsgrace permalink
    July 28, 2010 6:06 pm

    This is hilarious! It sounds like there’s never a dull moment in your household! 🙂 Oh and I love this phrase: “shakin’ it like the rent’s due tomorrow.” That’s brilliant. Thanks for the laugh!

    • July 28, 2010 6:09 pm

      Thank you for stopping by! As I tell my friends/family, feel free to pimp out my site to everyone like a porn star with a mortgage…! 🙂

  5. lisa permalink
    July 29, 2010 12:39 am

    damn this is funny

  6. August 3, 2010 11:06 am

    Man, I’ve never wanted kids…but maybe I should have a few just so that I have some hilarious stories like this to write about!


    • Kali Capps permalink
      August 5, 2010 1:58 pm

      Would you like to borrow mine? I rent him out real cheap. 😉

  7. August 3, 2010 12:09 pm

    This is hysterical! And I can relate. My three and almost-two year old boys both like the naked thing. It started with potty training, since keeping them naked during the ordeal made it a lot easier to get things going. I guess it’s debateable on whether the cleanups are easier, but we have thrown away far fewer pairs of underwear.

    Now that the three-year-old is pretty much trained, though, he still likes being in the buff. Even sleeps that way. I’ve caught him several times playing outside naked. Luckily we live in a pretty rural area, so its not so bad, but still!!!

    My oldest son doesn’t do the naked thing anymore (though he did when he was younger). Now he just likes to go commando. I don’t even think he owns any more underwear since he’s outgrown his last batch!

    • August 6, 2010 1:04 am

      All I could think about at the end of your comment was, “ZIPPERS!” 😉



  8. mrinal kulkarni permalink
    August 3, 2010 12:31 pm

    My grand daughter has recently started to yell Aajji [Grand Mama]and pull her diaper off and handed it to me. I liked this post .

    • August 6, 2010 1:03 am

      Hmmm – they sound like soul sisters…

      Thank you for reading!

  9. August 3, 2010 1:32 pm

    Love this post!

    My 5 year old’s happy to run around naked in any context, including blizards and sandstorms. His little sister’s such a fashion fiend (age 2 1/2) that she hates getting undressed unless it’s to put on a new outfit. The naked thing was alot more irritating before I realized how much more laundry I do for the fashionista than the nudist!

    • August 6, 2010 1:02 am

      Good point – I’ll take naked over laundry any day!

      Thanks for taking the time to read & comment!

  10. pajamadays permalink
    August 3, 2010 6:23 pm

    SOOO funny! I just read a handful of your posts already and can’t wait to see more. I’m really glad to have found you on Freshly Pressed today. Blogroll baby!

    – Emily

    • August 3, 2010 8:26 pm

      Toots – thanks SO much for the shout-out, here and on your excellent site! I will be blogrolling back at you as soon as I finish tomorrow’s post…pressure’s ON!


  11. August 3, 2010 10:04 pm

    I am so happy I stumbled into your blog today!!!! I love this. I have read several post today and have subscribed to your blog because I have spent the last hour and a half laughing harder than I have laughed in a long time!! I LOVE IT!!!

    • August 6, 2010 1:01 am

      Then my work here is done 😉

      Thanks so much for reading…!

  12. Maelle permalink
    August 16, 2010 6:47 pm

    This has to be one of my FAVORITE blogs EVER !! Haha love the kids 🙂

  13. Val permalink
    November 23, 2010 11:25 am

    This gave me deep belly laughs. I think that I might of gone through something like the Gap Store story a long time ago. (16,18 and 20 now, so if they are getting naked I do not want to know about it)
    Thank you,

    • November 23, 2010 8:36 pm

      Those poor mannequins have been through a lot over the years….

      Thanks for reading!


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