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To Breed Or Not To Breed…

August 3, 2010

Anyone reading this blog knows (in more detail than could ever be imagined) that I have two kids: a seven-year-old son and a three-year-old daughter. They are, to put it mildly, a handful – a naked, potty-mouthed, pervy handful.

I can’t imagine life without them (though the odd weekend, weeknight or trip to the bathroom by myself might be nice), but when people ask if we’ll be having more children, I can unequivocally declare that my breeding days are over.

It’s not that I don’t love babies, and I’m fine with the no-sleep, diaper-changing, omigod-if-I-see-another-wonderpets-I’m-gonna-barf ennui of the toddler years, too. It’s the pregnancy that I can’t deal with. When I’m knocked up, I’m your worst frigging nightmare.

The first pregnancy was a complete shock – I only peed on a stick to support a co-worker who’d thought she was pregnant (I blame Cuba…specifically, their all-inclusive resorts…and, uh, rum).

I dealt with the surprise, and nausea, by eating everything in sight: I gained almost 60 pounds, most of it by month four. I was consuming six meals a day, was tested for gestational diabetes three times and everyone assumed I was carrying twins. All of this combined to make me a cranky, hungry, bitch.

I once freaked out in front of a Taco Bell that dared to open 10 minutes late when I was having a fierce Chimichanga craving. To this day, if someone has a meltdown, my friends refer to it as a Taco Bell moment (i.e. “Did you hear those Mel Gibson tapes? He went all Taco Bell on her ass!”).

My labor lasted three days and the epidural only worked on one side of my beached body; which was a significant concern, since my kid came out weighing ten pounds.

My second pregnancy was once again unplanned (I blame red wine), but this time my load was kept in check, mainly because I was working while taking care of a toddler and had no time to eat. Also, my olfactory senses were in overdrive, so even thinking about a gross smell sent me retching (I once puked in a pre-natal yoga class after another preggo stunk up the joint).

The downside to this form of weight-management was that my exhaustion led to a litany of ailments: strep throat; bronchitis; pink eye; impetigo; flu; and, the kicker, pneumonia. Then there were some potential issues with the baby that necessitated weekly ultrasounds. So, to sum up: I was a fat, pukey, hot mess.

My husband liked to joke that after the last kid, all he’d have to do was smack me on the ass and the next one would shoot right out, but alas, he never got the chance – a week before my due date, my daughter decided to do the hokey pokey and go breech (think Sigourney Weaver in Aliens) so I had a c-section.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why, until my husband can guarantee an on-call plastic surgeon along with a housekeeper and cook, my babymaker is on permanent hiatus.

Did I mention the pain?

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206 Comments leave one →
  1. August 3, 2010 10:23 am

    Great Blog, i really enjoyed reading it!

    Greets, Frauke

  2. August 3, 2010 10:29 am

    Thanks for the morning laugh! I needed it after 6 hours of FALSE labor!!!!

    http://4mothers1blog.wordpress.com

    • August 3, 2010 2:28 pm

      Oh Beth-Anne, that is the pits! I went to the hospital a couple of times before things really started and the nurse tried to assure me it wasn’t false, only ‘practice’. I almost punched her.
      Good luck to you and I hope to hear from you on the other side…

      Lori

  3. August 3, 2010 10:38 am

    OMG, I love this entire post, including the illustration. Congrats on the front page feature. (I am comment #1 of what will amount to hundreds!) 🙂

    • August 3, 2010 10:46 am

      ACK! Deina and Frauke – thank you so much for stopping by and cluing me in on the crazy day I’m in for…

      Cheers!
      Lori

  4. August 3, 2010 10:41 am

    Funny post! Congrats on making Freshly Pressed!

    • August 3, 2010 11:13 am

      Eep – thanks! I’m quietly freaking out over here in the ‘burbs!

  5. August 3, 2010 10:42 am

    WE ought to stop breeding completely until WE know that OUR children will not be used as cannon fodder all over Earth.

  6. August 3, 2010 10:43 am

    LOL, I decided not to have kids after I saw my friend give birth. Plus the fact that I couldn’t sleep on my stomach which is when I’m comfortable was the deal breaker.

    • August 3, 2010 11:13 am

      Toots – those are fabulous reasons! I’m surprised I had a second after my husband saw the first coming out…

  7. August 3, 2010 10:45 am

    Terrific blog… makes me feel bad for the total stranger who went through so much angst. My husband and I decided to forego having children altogether – we have a dog instead.

    • August 3, 2010 11:12 am

      Dogs are good! And, judging from your blog, they still offer lots of drama… 😉

  8. August 3, 2010 10:45 am

    Thanks for this post, you see… I love kids too, I wanna have kids. And it’s NOT the kids and raising them that scares me… but the PREGNANCY!!!!!!!! It freaks me out (I have a phobia for vomiting… so already there things look BAD)… anyway, at least this made me laugh a bit. Maybe one day I’ll overcome my fear 🙂

    • August 3, 2010 11:12 am

      Oh dear – I hope I didn’t freak you out too badly! It’s definitely worth the drama after the fact… 🙂

  9. August 3, 2010 10:48 am

    Great post! I couldn’t agree more – pregnancy is the worst! LOVE the part about Mel Gibson going Taco Bell. Hilarious!

    • August 3, 2010 11:11 am

      Thanks for the sweet comment, Emily! Your blog is hilarious – I look forward to reading more from you!
      Lori

  10. hgijanto permalink
    August 3, 2010 10:53 am

    I love this. I am in the middle of my second and final pregnancy. It isn’t that I don’t like being pregnant. I do most of the time. I hate how people react to it. My son is a year and a half and both were planned pregnancies but people look at me like we are nothing but ignorant breeders that haven’t figured out what causes it. I just really hate being miserable and this pregnancy is much different. I am gaining lots more weight (my current blog is about all the food I eat go figure). I am also physically more miserable. I can empathize with your pregnancies.
    I also hate people touching me. I work in retail and strangers come up to me and fondle my belly like it is public property. One woman even seductively traced with the tip of her finger by belly button absentmindedly while she was talking to me….
    I am glad that you can share this with lots of others about going through what is always thought to be such a beautiful time.

    • August 3, 2010 11:07 am

      If someone fondled my belly, I would’ve gone SOOOO Taco Bell! Let me know your blog address (I just see your e-mail here) because I’d love to drop by and reminisce about the good ol’ days (ha!).

      Lori

  11. August 3, 2010 10:56 am

    My wife had a much better experience being pregnant (the first birth was horrifying, but the pregnancy itself up until that point was fine), which is why we have 4 kids.

    Still, after 4 c-sections and a tiny house full of little ones, we’re pretty much in agreement to call it quits. Love the post and congrats on being freshly pressed!

    • August 3, 2010 11:04 am

      This is turning into the weirdest morning I’ve had in a while, but in a wonderful way! Thanks for stopping by!

  12. August 3, 2010 10:58 am

    Congrats on making Freshly Pressed! Great post 🙂 Love your descriptions of your kids -glad we’re not the only ones, lol.
    ~h

    • August 3, 2010 11:06 am

      Thank you, H, for your comment and for dropping in. I think the coolest part of this day is getting introduced to so many great blogs!
      Lori

  13. August 3, 2010 11:01 am

    And, now I think I have a writer’s crush on you…I will have to read more of your posts to confirm.

    Crystal
    http://www.crystalspins.com

    • August 3, 2010 11:03 am

      Crystal – thanks so much! I look forward to crushing with you. I just peeked at your blog and like what I saw – I can have vicarious dating disasters through you 😉

  14. milkstained permalink
    August 3, 2010 11:15 am

    Found you through Freshly Pressed.

    The only reason I peed on a stick the first time was because my then-boyfriend convinced me. I thought for sure I needed to see an internist for some sort of terrible, horrible stomach disease!!

  15. August 3, 2010 11:18 am

    I have to say pregnancy is the scariest part to me. It might be because I was raised on the scifi channel and totally can only think about alien spawn using me….but anyway. I’ll probably give birth to one then adopt the second. Guaranteed boy and girl ;).

    Two is enough for me and hopefully it will relatively easy. The epidural didn’t work for my mom when she gave birth to me. That was also after conceiving me two years after her tubes were tied. Woops! Sorry mom!

    Congrats on being freshly pressed! I’ll be sure to check out your blog more often. You’re hilarious.

    • August 3, 2010 11:56 am

      Ha – it seems everyone has great stories about pregnancy even if they themselves haven’t done it! Thanks for stopping by and I also love your blog – the images are gorgeous and my son goes to a Waldorf school (that’s a post to come…) and they all knit (!) so he loved your images, too! 🙂

      • August 3, 2010 3:49 pm

        The things women goet to go through 🙂

        Thanks Lori! That’s great to hear that he knits. It’s such a fun past time, plus making it myself is way cheaper than getting that really cute hat at the store. Can’t wait to keep reading your blog.

  16. August 3, 2010 11:18 am

    Hey, that’s awesome! Brings back memories of crucifiction and martyrdom.

    I thought I’d set the world record for quick birth with 45 minutes for my son, but my daughter beat me with her firstborn at 33 minutes. She was a monster in-womb and out. With her in, I had these acute cravings for mildew smells and such. I hated pregnancy 100000 times more than I loathed the aftermath. The worst, however, came when they hit puberty…

    • August 3, 2010 11:28 am

      Eep – I’m going to be checking in with you to see how to deal with the puberty thing – I can’t imagine adding hormones to their personalities!

      Thanks for stopping by!
      Lori

      • August 3, 2010 2:21 pm

        Don’t imagine it… just enjoy them now because I promise you, between the years they are 13 to about 20, you will have become stupid, useless and embarrassing (which makes it a wonder you’ll be able to accomplish anything during those years). I wasn’t convinced that would happen to me (everyone thinks it won’t) but yup… mine made sure to remind me that it had. 😉

        Congrats on the Freshly Pressed. It’s happened to me twice and it’s always a nice surprise… both times, I’ve met other bloggers who’ve ended up to be keepers.

      • August 3, 2010 2:32 pm

        Fracas – loved reading your comment! I think the coolest part of today is seeing (through comments) all of the cool, funny blogs out there (yours included, and I’ve followed you on Twitter – don’t leave a sister hanging!).

        What a crazy day it’s been – thanks for dropping in!

        Lori

  17. August 3, 2010 11:19 am

    I’m curious [never been pregnant], but when you gained all the weight first pregnancy, was it from hunger? Or is it emotional? I wonder why some women gain weight and others don’t during pregnancy.

    • August 3, 2010 11:26 am

      I can gain weight thinking about ice cream, so that was a disadvantage from the start! But the only thing that helped morning sickness was, ironically, eating. So I’d feel pukey before eating, fine while I ate, and pukey right after. My best friend has a supermodel body and gained about 20 lbs during her pregnancies – all in her boobs, of course – and I guess that shows that it’s how your body is to begin with…

      Thanks for stopping by!
      Lori

    • August 3, 2010 8:11 pm

      I can tell you why I didn’t gain weight. My doctor told he would not deliver if I gained more than ten pounds. He was serious. Weight causes problems, he said, always.

  18. August 3, 2010 11:22 am

    Love the post! Your great descriptions definitely give someone who hasn’t gone down the children route yet lots to think about.

    • August 3, 2010 11:27 am

      Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post, Anna! Hopefully I haven’t scarred/scared all of the not-yet-preggos out there…
      Lori

  19. August 3, 2010 11:24 am

    I’ve always said that I would have as many children as I could afford…until I was pregnant. It was awful. I had “morning sickness” up until the day I gave birth. I was on an IV treatment because nothing would stay down. Other than that the birthing process was quick and easy for me but 9 months of agony…not so sure about going through that again.

    • August 3, 2010 12:14 pm

      I hear you, lady. It was the sickness during my second that had me shutting down the shop. But they seem so worth it, don’t they? (She writes, as her son is upstairs barfing…)

  20. August 3, 2010 11:32 am

    I like this post, for some reason I think I would enjoy being pregnant but then again. I’ve never been pregnant. My breed or not to breed concerns are far beyond this. I’m 28, divorced and currently childless. I don’t know if I want to re-marry but I don’t want my child to purposely be raised in a single parent household [shrugs]… You gained 60lbs love? Poor darling!

    Sincerely,

    Go

    • August 3, 2010 12:09 pm

      Thanks, Go – that’s more sympathy than I got at the time! I’m going to follow you on Twitter (I’m @restlesslori).

      I appreciate you stopping by and commenting!

      Lori

  21. August 3, 2010 11:40 am

    Thanks for the fun read. I especially liked the “Taco Bell” part. For some reason, it just sounds right to say someone went “Taco Bell on her ass”!

  22. Juice permalink
    August 3, 2010 11:47 am

    Congrats on fresh pressed. Your Naked Party post made me laugh out loud (and forward it to others) but it’s your wonderpets reference that made me comment. I just discovered wonderpets while visiting my niece and nephew last weekend. All I can say is “This is serweous!”

    • August 3, 2010 11:58 am

      Isn’t it the CUTEST! But seriously, after a thousand serweouses, it starts to grate juuuust a little… 😉

      Thanks so much for stopping by and forwarding me on (as I tell my grandma, feel free to pimp my site like a porn star with a mortgage!)

      Lori

    • August 3, 2010 11:59 am

      Isn’t it the CUTEST! But seriously, after a thousand serweouses, it starts to grate juuuust a little…

      Thanks so much for stopping by and forwarding me on (as I tell my grandma, feel free to pimp my site like a porn star with a mortgage!)

      Lori

  23. August 3, 2010 11:57 am

    You’re brave. You at least tried it. Twice. No way in heaven or hell I’m having kids. FORGET IT! I’m no masochist!!! 🙂 (Read my June post on “baby-craving” for my reasoning…)http://teapotchronicles.wordpress.com/2010/06/24/baby-craving/

    • August 3, 2010 12:01 pm

      I LOVED your post and just sent it to a woman in my writing group who is of the same mind! I totally get it – if I wasn’t such a cheap drunk, I’d probably be child-free myself…

  24. August 3, 2010 12:03 pm

    So glad you were freshly pressed! Love this post and your blog. Oh the memories of pregnancy. The taco bell moment reminded me of the day I was about 7 months pregnant and cried in the drive thru line of Jack in the Box because the car in front of me wouldn’t pull up and order. I actually called my sister in tears “Why would someone get in line if they don’t know what they want?!?!”

    Probably not the best memory to come to mind as my husband and I consider #2 (#1 is still only 5 months so we are just in talks that I presume will last at least a year).

    • August 3, 2010 12:13 pm

      Love your blog, too – I’ve subscribed. You made me laugh out loud (and my son is upstairs puking, so I needed that!).

  25. August 3, 2010 12:03 pm

    loved it!

    and, i am right there with ya, sista friend– this shop is on LOCK DOWN.

    i have two boys– ages 7 & 3— i’m so happy to be past diapers, bottles, and sleep depravity!!

    great post.

    http://www.traceygjones.wordpress.com

    • August 3, 2010 12:15 pm

      Ha – I am with you. And, I am also with your blog because, helllloooo…cupcakes!

  26. August 3, 2010 12:04 pm

    I’m a crazy girl who actually enjoyed being pregnant, BUT I loved this post, and I think the picture says a lot. Sometimes, we ladies don’t know when to clamp it shut, and just let experience tell the tale…

    • August 3, 2010 12:17 pm

      It’s all cool – most of my friends had blissful pregnancies, too. This post was actually for them to have a laugh at because one of them is pregnant again (blissfully, of course). Didn’t count on the wordpress fairy coming for a visit!

  27. August 3, 2010 12:16 pm

    Oh my gosh- you understand me! I HATED being pregnant! I have two kids 16 months apart (I blame the relaxing massage and facial) and had c-sections with both cuz the first little bugger was stuck (gigantic head) and not going anywhere! Can’t wait til my husband gets in the stirrups so he can never do this to me again!

    • August 3, 2010 12:22 pm

      My sister from another mister! I feel you on the big head thing…except that was the one without the c-section…bugger…

      Thanks for reading!

      Lori
      ps your blog is great…

  28. mrinal kulkarni permalink
    August 3, 2010 12:24 pm

    I loved this post , wonderful .

  29. August 3, 2010 12:41 pm

    Hilarious!

    • August 3, 2010 2:04 pm

      Thanks! I really appreciate that you took the time to read and comment…

      Lori

  30. August 3, 2010 12:51 pm

    I had preeclampsia with both my pregancies. I gained 75 pounds of water (I looked like a refrigerator), endured two day labors on magnesium sulfate (pushed for six hours with my daughter), and both my kids came out looking like spider monkeys (thanks to a preeclamptic and insufficient placenta). After two my husband got snipped — and he STILL whines about all he went through. Seriously! You have all my sympathies, and praise.

    • August 3, 2010 2:05 pm

      Ha – my husband is too chicken to do the snipping! He also thought he was going to die last week with a fever, but that’s another post… 😉

  31. Samantha permalink
    August 3, 2010 12:52 pm

    This is hillarious. Love the comic!

  32. August 3, 2010 1:02 pm

    Funny stuff! Love your sense of humour, I’m now a devoted fan : )
    thx for sharing.

    • August 3, 2010 2:11 pm

      Leah – I just had to go and mop up the 3rd barf session my 7-year-old has had today (it’s keeping me humble), so your comment couldn’t have come at a better time! Thank you so much for reading!

      Lori

  33. August 3, 2010 1:07 pm

    Hysterical! I had 2 c-sections, stopped at my second child. (I had the doc tie those tubies while doing the second c section) and I’ve never regretted it. I had time to give them each my attention & love.

    • August 3, 2010 2:12 pm

      I hear you, Christy. The friends who have three or more kids love them to bits, but they’ve all had nervous breakdowns at some point!

      Thanks for reading!
      Lori

  34. August 3, 2010 1:11 pm

    In the beginning I was all, “Pff, this shit is easy.”
    In the middle I was all, “Pff, this shit is still easy.”
    Now that I’m at the tail end, I’m all, “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and fuck anyone who looks like you.”

    This is the hottest summer in DC since 1993, and I’m a cranky, sleep deprived, pregnant bitch.

    • August 3, 2010 2:15 pm

      I have nothing to tell you because I was right there with you, lady – knocked up in the summer sucks balls. On another note, your blog is funny and anyone (else) who names their car is ok in my books.

      Good luck!
      Lori

  35. kvgb permalink
    August 3, 2010 1:15 pm

    definitely made me “laugh out loud” while on my lunch in what is my depressingly quiet office. I don’t have children yet. I’m rethinking, I’m already a bitch I dont need help in that department! ha ha thank you for sharing.
    http://www.kvgb.wordpress.com

    • August 3, 2010 2:16 pm

      Any self-proclaimed bitch will always have a welcome spot at this blog! Thank you for reading and commenting!

      Lori

  36. August 3, 2010 1:22 pm

    Great, I liked it. on the side note, once my wife told me ” I want a cheeseburger” with a knife pointing to my belly, 5 minutes later and a sweat from running, the item was on her hands; sure enough 1 minute later she poke all over. Divine justice 🙂 or just coincidence, I don’t know but we started taking a deeper breath after that to control impulsive reaction which may not have a happy ending. Bless to all!

    • August 3, 2010 2:18 pm

      Hee – you are smart to listen to your wife (my husband also learned)! Thank you for reading my blog today!

      Lori

  37. August 3, 2010 1:30 pm

    Very honest and lovely post..
    Congratulations..

    • August 3, 2010 2:18 pm

      I’m so happy that you liked it! Thank you for your sweet comment!

      Lori

  38. August 3, 2010 1:38 pm

    I laughed hysterically at this one … motherhood is just so unbelievably glamourous is it not! Great post !

    • August 3, 2010 2:20 pm

      Anyone calling herself Sushi and Wine is someone I want to know better 😉
      I’ll be checking in on your blog to see how the challenge goes – it was new to me, too!

      Lori

      • August 4, 2010 7:22 am

        Thanks Lori … glad to know i’m not the only ignorant one 🙂 Look forward to welcoming you back. PS: Being a working mom and wife I consider everday that I don’t go all “taco bell” (see what you’ve started here) as a gift to all those around me.

      • August 4, 2010 8:06 am

        You should let yourself go Taco Bell every so often…helps blow off some steam! 😉

  39. lindseytinsey permalink
    August 3, 2010 2:00 pm

    They’re called contraceptives.
    Gosh.. everyone and their aunty is pregnant these days. Found out last week that my friend is pregnant. She’s only 20, gah!
    Are condoms, pills etc really that useless? (“,)

    • August 3, 2010 2:22 pm

      I agree – it appears that something is in the water these days! I can only blame laziness combined with drunkeness for my knocked up state…but now of course I’m thankful for my slack, inebriated self!

      Lori

  40. lindseytinsey permalink
    August 3, 2010 2:09 pm

    Oh, btw, I liked this post 🙂
    I am not having children any time soon… I want at least 2 though hehe 😉

  41. August 3, 2010 2:18 pm

    Fantastic post – had me laughing out loud. 🙂 I’ll definitely be checking back for more posts!

    Drive on,
    – M.

    • August 3, 2010 2:24 pm

      Omigod – your blog is my husband’s dream – I find BMW brochures under the mattress instead of good ol’ regular porn! Thanks for your comment and for reading – I’m following you on twitter now, too (I’m @restlesslori).

      Lori

      • August 3, 2010 2:29 pm

        LOL well you’re hubby is welcome to visit my blog anytime. I promise no naked chicks, only badass cars and automotive back-ends and interior shots. 😉

        Follow returned! I really do like your writing style – love the flow and the feel and the down-to-earth realness about it all. Too many writers have this lofty, holier than thou attitude in their write-ups …. *secretly hoping mine aren’t like that*

        Drive on,
        – M.

      • August 3, 2010 2:36 pm

        Ha! Thanks for the kindness – I don’t think I could write loftily if I tried! Pleasure to *meet* you!

  42. August 3, 2010 2:18 pm

    I have been nursing or pregnant continuously for the last five years and am hoping to conceive my fourth child this summer. Fortunately I have easy pregnancies, but potty training has been very difficult. I believe children are a blessing not a burden and yes it’s hard, but life is hard.

    • August 3, 2010 2:26 pm

      Congratulations! I have a friend who just had her fourth and she can’t remember not nursing. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and wouldn’t give up a single sickness for them…but I’m done at 2! I’m also doing potty training with my daughter and it’s tricky, isn’t it?

      Thank you for reading/commenting!
      Lori

  43. August 3, 2010 2:56 pm

    Three weeks ago, I gave birth to our second child. Not FIFTEEN FREAKIN’ MINUTES after pushing out a 9 pound baby, my husband says, “Well? Should we have a third?”

    If the doctor hadn’t been stitching up my gore-splattered girly-plumbing, I would’ve leapt to my feet and throttled him. When modern medical science has perfected male pregnancy, THEN we’ll have a third, but until that magical day, our family will be a two-kid kind of household.

    Great post — thanks for sharing. 🙂

    • August 3, 2010 3:02 pm

      Holy crap – thank YOU for being able to write coherent sentences less than a month after giving birth (and funny sentences, too!). My friend’s husband suggested – during labour – that my friend should try visualizing just like he did when he climbed some big, stupid mountain because the intensity seemed similar. Yes, they are still married, but I’m not sure if he still has his boy-plumbing 😉

  44. August 3, 2010 3:01 pm

    i think im among the strange ones who enjoyed my pregnancy … even though i was sick a few times and hospitalised twice. i was actually quite happy. my b/f says my pregnancy was rough but i dont think so … i enjoyed it (except maybe the clothes shopping part)

    i’d go again …. once i get used to the one i have now

    • August 4, 2010 7:25 am

      Uncensoredmind – even though I can relate to a lot about this post, I also loved being pregnant, and in moment of mad wine created hassiness, I look forward to doing it all again.

  45. August 3, 2010 3:10 pm

    That was HILARIOUS! And I’ve never even given birth. Thanks for the laugh and congrats on making the front page!

    • August 3, 2010 5:09 pm

      Thank you so much, Marcia! I’m not even joking that I haven’t gotten dressed yet and it’s after five o’clock here…what a crazy day…

      I appreciate you reading/commenting!

      Lori

  46. August 3, 2010 3:22 pm

    Great post. I chose not to breed – I’ll live through others.

    • August 3, 2010 5:07 pm

      That is my sister’s take on things and she’s the fun, fantastic aunt!

      Lori

  47. August 3, 2010 3:49 pm

    “I once freaked out in front of a Taco Bell that dared to open 10 minutes late when I was having a fierce Chimichanga craving.”

    This is like the story of my EVERYDAY life. Could I be with child??

  48. Karin permalink
    August 3, 2010 4:00 pm

    Your post just reassures me that I’ve made the correct decision, LOL. Living vicariously is better anyway. (And I thought all my days as a nanny were a handful. Maybe adoption might be a better idea for those not wanting to endure the 9 month bitch syndrome!)

  49. August 3, 2010 4:01 pm

    i totally agree with how you feel. you can give me babies but i would not have anymore. i’ll spare you the details except to say that a near death experience was had with the second one. the second one that i swore i would never ever have. of course i love her to pieces and wouldn’t trade her for anything but that was where the buck stopped.

  50. August 3, 2010 4:01 pm

    hilarious! i just have the one and the thought of another one makes me want to cry at times… she was born during an ice storm, my water broke but i had no contractions, i had to be induced, they couldn’t get in touch with the anesthesiologist, and they took her away as soon as she came out! she’s almost 8 months old and i CAN’T wait to sleep for seven hours straight again (*sigh*).

  51. August 3, 2010 4:24 pm

    Funny stuff! I like your bluntness…most “motherhood” stories are tweaked in too much frivolous b.s.

    check out my blog when you have a minute…I’m all about “keeping it real” too.

    Congrats on the WordPress front page thingy…who do we bribe to get that, exactly?

    http://zohrbak.wordpress.com

    • August 3, 2010 8:33 pm

      Your site IS keeping it real, and in very funny ways! I have no clue how this happened, but Depends should sponsor the entire affair…
      This is the craziest day ever…loving every second of it!

      Thanks for stopping by and I look forward to reading your work!
      Lori

  52. August 3, 2010 4:50 pm

    Great read, great post, thoroughly enjoyed the humor. Thanks!

    • August 3, 2010 8:29 pm

      HEY – my hometown! I just came back and am working on a post about the differences I’m now appreciating between Calgary and (don’t boo me) Toronto! Thanks so much for stopping by – I appreciate it…

      Lori

  53. missdisplaced permalink
    August 3, 2010 5:09 pm

    The real question is: Can you AFFORD to breed?

    Sadly, I never could. I always found it hard enough to make a living for myself, let alone a child, and I vowed to not bring a child into the same worry and crap I had to deal with my whole life.

    • Jim Hagen permalink
      August 3, 2010 7:19 pm

      Thank you for the most appropriate comment here. Too many people have kids without thinking about whether they can provide for them or whether the world needs more people. Very selfish.

    • August 3, 2010 8:27 pm

      Donna – thank you for your comment. Your decision was obviously well thought out and very selfless of you – too many people have kids for the wrong reasons. I appreciate you stopping by to read my blog.

      Lori

  54. August 3, 2010 6:38 pm

    I was in labor for 42 hours w/my first first. She was a week late, at that. She’s 18 now, and still as stubborn as can be.

    • August 3, 2010 8:22 pm

      Hee – there are a few comments from parents of teens and I’m gonna be looking you all up in a couple of years (I can’t imagine adding hormones to these attitudes attached to my kids…). Thanks for reading!

      Lori

  55. August 3, 2010 6:58 pm

    This was sooo funny!!! And I’m right there with you as far as having more kids. I have a 7 yr old and a 5 yr old!! I don’t think so!

    • August 3, 2010 8:20 pm

      Thanks for the comment and introducing me to your blog! I’m following you on Twitter now…don’t leave me hanging!

  56. August 3, 2010 7:13 pm

    I just discovered you….this made me laugh I almost peed (yes, I don’t hold the pee in as well since having kids!)
    My second husband gave me a vasectomy for my Christmas present the first year we were together- I too love the kids but don’t like being pregnant!

    • August 3, 2010 8:18 pm

      Now THAT is a gift that keeps on giving! Hee…

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Lori

  57. August 3, 2010 7:21 pm

    It’s great to see posts like this! Everyone makes pregnancy out to be this wonderful thing, and though I’ve never managed to make it past 7 to 8 weeks, my morning sickness would kick in almost immediately. It’s horrible and no one seems to believe me! They all have this opinion that I’ll forget all about it once the baby’s born… I don’t think so!

    • August 3, 2010 8:15 pm

      Thanks for taking the time to read/comment on my blog today! I saw your blog and enjoy a good ramble myself, so I’ll be stopping by again…

      Lori

  58. August 3, 2010 7:25 pm

    I thought you were rather hilarious! I have a pretty good story of having my second son in the car on Leap Day as my wonderful husband kept driving , so I delivered him in my pajama pants laying in the front seat, yay fun, fun…maybe I’ll blog about that some day..thanks for the idea, anyway, Congrats on being Freshly Pressed, I aspire to that some day!

    evelyngarone.com

    • August 3, 2010 8:13 pm

      Evie – you deserve more than freshly pressed – you deserve a parade for having your baby in a moving car!!! I made my husband pull over for every contraction! Kudos to you…

      Lori

  59. August 3, 2010 7:31 pm

    In a strange twist of fate, I was pregnant with my first (and only) child at the same time my stepdaughter was. My son was born 2 months prior to his niece. I remember my stepdaughter coming to visit and me imploring her to “have the epidural man meet her in the parking lot.” I, unfortunatly, asked for mine too late and, still weeping, went all natural. Your blog made me laugh and brought me on a little trip down memory lane.

    I also remember being made at whoever said that pregnance was the most glorious thing that would ever happen to a women. I pretty sure that lie was made up by a man to ensure the continuence of the civiliaztion.

    • August 3, 2010 8:11 pm

      First of all, your blog is awesome. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and write a comment. Having gone half-natural, I (sorta) feel your pain!
      Lori

      • August 3, 2010 10:16 pm

        I’ve totally enjoyed your style. Very cool and now a ‘must read’ for me

        Don’t kill yourself answering comments tonight Ms. Popularity!!

        PS: thanks for the kind words, I’m pretty new here, but really having fun.

      • August 4, 2010 12:53 am

        Honey – I will be up until the next batch of freshly pressed get released…this is delicious insanity! 🙂

  60. August 3, 2010 8:12 pm

    LOL You are too funny! With my first I gained 50 lbs. (10 in one month!) He was 9 1/2 lbs. By the 5th one I was a pro! I asked for drugs with that one and the nurse asked, “Are you sure? You are doing so well!” Uhh, yeah. I’m sure I want pain medicine when there is a human squeezing out of my girl parts. Another stupid nurse told me, “You don’t look like you are in labor.” Tell that to the head poking out.
    I hated being pregnant, although I liked getting pregnant. Now I have my tubes tied, but I still practice, just in case.

  61. August 3, 2010 8:14 pm

    first visit, love the profile pic!

  62. August 3, 2010 8:21 pm

    Wow, great blog! You nail it right on the head with the pregnancy tales. The truth really is funny – after the fact.

    Wendy

  63. August 3, 2010 8:49 pm

    I’m not sure why I clicked on the link to read this post. I don’t have any kids or any plans to have any. My wife and I got an 8 week old Siberian Husky a few months ago which proved and continues to prove that we would make very agitated, angry parents. Anyway, my point is that I can’t relate to your experiences in the slightest but I’m very glad that I read about them. Your post was delightfully entertaining. I love your writing style and sense of humor. I look forward to reading more from you.

    • August 3, 2010 9:52 pm

      I don’t care why you clicked on my site, but I’m so glad you did! My sister has a dog instead of kids as well…lucky dog, because that thing is treated very well.

      Thanks so much for taking the time to read/comment on my site!
      Lori

  64. August 3, 2010 9:31 pm

    Your post really made me smile.
    Pregnancy is a monster unto itself.
    Maybe the only time in one’s life when you puke whilst changing another child’s diaper.
    Yup…that was me.
    I did it 6 times…not puke…was pregnant.
    The Aura of the Madonna???
    That’s sweat!
    But the kid’s are pretty cool.
    Bless you and your babes.

    http://gmomj.wordpress.com/2010/06/18/mom-2-0-if-you-havent-seen-this-yet-get-ready-to-be-blown-away/

    • August 3, 2010 9:50 pm

      Can I just say (write) that you’re the coolest mom ever? AND you have awesome looking recipes on your site! Consider me your newest fan…

      Thanks for stopping by,
      Lori

  65. August 3, 2010 9:35 pm

    Love this. Can totally relate. As the mother of three boys, I’m tired of strangers in the supermarket asking me, “Are you going to go for a girl?” Huh? (P.S. My third kid was Pavoratti on a Friday night.)

  66. The Perfectly Imperfect One permalink
    August 3, 2010 10:28 pm

    I loved your post! Hilarious! I will not be having children, not because of your blog, but it did help solidify my nonbreeding goals 🙂

    • August 4, 2010 12:52 am

      I think I inadvertently helped a few non-breeders affirm their decision…

      Thanks so much for stopping by!
      Lori

  67. August 3, 2010 10:48 pm

    Great blog! Love your writing style 🙂 Congrats on freshly pressed!

    • August 4, 2010 12:51 am

      Thanks so much! I’ve followed you on Twitter, too – nice to *meet* you…
      Lori

  68. Doris Beavis permalink
    August 3, 2010 10:55 pm

    Congratulations on the being the Freshly Pressed pick of the day!! I recall giving birth 2 weeks after my due date to an 8 1/2 pounder with a huge head. This was after 22 hours of labour and 2 hospital visits with false labour ( which felt pretty real to me!). However it is all worth it, especially when they make you feel so proud to be the mom!! Love you. Mom
    PS ..this is my third attempt to make a comment, so I may have to visit GG for instructions!

    • August 4, 2010 12:51 am

      Yay, mom! You are now a commenting queen…well done and thanks for the kind words. 🙂

  69. August 3, 2010 10:58 pm

    I’m pregnant with my first and I’ve had it pretty easy, actually. o.o; Just can’t actually figure out what my due date is and I go into false labor any time I’m on my feet for more than fifteen minutes! Bed rest = Pain in the ass.

    • August 4, 2010 12:48 am

      Why can’t they offer bed rest after the baby comes? 😉

      Good luck with your pregnancy and thanks for reading!
      Lori

  70. August 3, 2010 11:17 pm

    I love your post! I laughed out loud, not at your pain but because I can empathize so well. Oh, I remember the days… my 3rd baby is almost 9 months old so it wasn’t that long ago. We’re done too. I can’t wait to read more of your posts….. off I go.

    Manda

    • August 4, 2010 12:47 am

      Thanks for your kindness, Manda. I marvel at any woman of more than two kids who has time to poop, let alone read and comment on a blog! I appreciate it…

      Lori

  71. August 3, 2010 11:48 pm

    Ha nice blog. Needed a laugh.

    • August 4, 2010 12:44 am

      Hiya Adam – glad I could oblige!

      Thank you for commenting,
      Lori

  72. August 4, 2010 12:21 am

    Great post! Road rage was a symptom of pregnanacy with all 3 of my girls. My eldest learned a whole new vocabulary before becoming a big sister.

    I proudly proclaim that my 2nd daughter was my zero weight gain pregnancy and my 3rd was my 3 lbs gain – only ’cause I was so busy either puking or trying not to puke so I couldn’t eat. Not a problem as the 26 lbs I gained with my 1st daughter were (are) still hanging around!

    • August 4, 2010 12:44 am

      Thanks for visiting, Elaine! I avoided the road rage but had streetcar rage (downtown Toronto) a few times. The pics on your site are great – I’m from Calgary originally and miss my BC visits!!!

  73. August 4, 2010 12:25 am

    This made me laugh SO MUCH. My third pregnancy was my surprise (only took the test to tell my friends that I was not pregnant. SURPRISE! I really was. My husband and I didn’t speak to each other for two weeks. I wish I were kidding.). All three pregnancies were awful. I’m just not meant to be pregnant. I’m sick and tired and mean.

    The Taco Bell incident was the best, though. I drove away from a KFC once (while pregnant) and cried for an hour because they didn’t have any extra-crispy left and it would take 15 minutes to make it. My husband referred to it as “the incident” from there on out.

    I’m pretty sure I’m done breeding. Although my boys keep asking when we’re going to have another. Grrrr. Shut it, kids.

    • August 4, 2010 12:35 am

      I feel your pain more than you know – my friends catered my first baby shower with KFC. Now I wish I was joking. Thanks for your comment and I look forward to reading your blog!

      Lori

  74. thekarmamortgage permalink
    August 4, 2010 1:30 am

    Nice blog! The title was misleading for me though. I thought I was going to read something about the want to have offspring despite knowing this world is overpopulated and trying to balance the two. Guess that is where my mind is at. I am having those wonderful maternal urges and when I see children, I immediately think about the loveliness of being pregnant and passing my genes on. Then, I realize that I would do the world is a dangerous place full of unwanted children who are victims then become perpetrators….etc. My worldview is maybe different because I work in social work with homeless youth. Anyway, your description of pregnancy put my dilemma to rest for now, no kids for now.

    • August 4, 2010 8:44 am

      Anyone working to help children is a true hero. I hope that, rather than giving your the information you were hoping for, I could at least make you smile…

      Have a super day and thanks for reading,
      Lori

  75. August 4, 2010 1:39 am

    Awesome post. I enjoyed reading it!

    Cheers, Niconica
    http://niconica.wordpress.com

    • August 4, 2010 8:40 am

      Ok – the cakes on your blog are amazing looking! I’m now famished for sugar…!

      Thanks for reading me!
      Lori

  76. August 4, 2010 2:11 am

    I do pregnancy massages pretty consistently and it’s amazing how pregnancy effects every woman so differently. I always ask them about sciatica, acid reflex, ect. and what is going on. They are the most appreciative for receiving a massage too, because lots of time the husbands can’t rub them at all and don’t know what the heck they’re doing. I’m not planning to have kids for a long time, no thanks, I don’t want to think about the pain!

    • August 4, 2010 8:36 am

      Omigod, you are an angel – I had LOTS of massages while pregnant and they saved me!

      Thanks for reading/commenting!
      Lori

  77. August 4, 2010 2:29 am

    Funny blog. Your experience has solidify even more why I have chosen to not be pregnant. I think the experience is beautiful-for other women :-). I will continue the attempt to adopt and leave the breeding to the other women. I love the cartoon as well. I figure if I want labour pains, then I just have to start my period and enjoy the excrutiating and debilitating pain of menstrual cramps

    • August 4, 2010 8:34 am

      Ha – you sound an awful lot like my sister (I had to check the e-mail address!)…

      Thank you for reading me today!
      Lori

  78. August 4, 2010 2:36 am

    I read in a respected newspaper in England that being pregnant can cause your teeth to become loose and fall out (rarely, but still). Then I researched it and found out it’s true! The pregnant stories get worse and worse! Also, I enjoy food too much so I would definitely be in the gaining 60 pounds + club. Great post!
    http://playerpianosara.wordpress.com/

    • August 4, 2010 8:33 am

      It is true, Sara! I had something like six cavities after my first kid was born (although that’s probably due to my toffee addiction…). Your site is great – I’ll be stopping by often!

      Thanks so much for reading,
      Lori

  79. August 4, 2010 3:11 am

    Funny read. Must hide this post from my wife for obvious reasons 😉

  80. Veronica Samuels permalink
    August 4, 2010 4:06 am

    Your post made me laugh! Thanks! I’m on my second pregnancy right now, and envy your ability to blame a Cuban resort and red wine for your pregnancies. You are lucky! http://www.jerseymomsblog.com

    • August 4, 2010 8:19 am

      Thanks for the comment, Veronica! And congrats on being knocked up, however it transpired… 😉
      Lori

      • Veronica Samuels permalink
        August 4, 2010 10:49 am

        Ha ha! Thank you! 🙂

  81. Super Girl Sarah permalink
    August 4, 2010 4:52 am

    FABULOUS!
    I’ll be referring this blog to my mother who is insistent I breed right away. Children – Love ’em. Pregnancy – near phobia.
    Great post!

    • August 4, 2010 8:10 am

      Oh dear…umm…you’re welcome? 😉

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

      Lori

  82. August 4, 2010 4:53 am

    I enjoyed my first pregnancy….no issues at all. The baby was a breech, so ended up having a planned c-section, which was not too bad.

    But still don’t want to push my luck a second time 😉

    • August 4, 2010 8:09 am

      Look at it this way – even if the second is a total nightmare, you’ll still have the first pregnancy to look back on fondly… 😉

      Thanks for reading!
      Lori

  83. hakuko permalink
    August 4, 2010 5:05 am

    i really love ur love. a daily click for me now 🙂

    • August 4, 2010 8:08 am

      Wow – thank you so much for the lovely comment! I hope you keep coming back…

      Lori

  84. August 4, 2010 6:03 am

    Thanks for the morning smile!

    • August 4, 2010 8:07 am

      Back at you – morning comments are better than coffee 😉

      Lori

  85. August 4, 2010 7:27 am

    I like your blog post…even if for the next hour I’ll be thinking, “I’m never having children.” =)

    • August 4, 2010 8:03 am

      Hee – I seem to have had that effect on a few of you…including my sister!

      Thanks for reading and commenting!
      Lori

  86. Paw Paw Productions SA permalink
    August 4, 2010 7:38 am

    My wife loses weight when she is pregnant so we joke that we have to keep her “knocked up” to keep her at goal weight. We laugh at it but beneath the humour we know the sinister underlying truth of the responsibility for the next God-knows-how-many-years that we would have to bear.

    But then we joke again and remember that giving birth is the quickest weight lost programme we know – 4 or 5 kgs in a matter of hours.

    Needless to say she is knocked up again. Oh well … bring it on!

  87. August 4, 2010 8:01 am

    OMG this is hilarious!

  88. August 4, 2010 9:12 am

    I look around at the babies and mommies in the world and wonder how they do it…

    I’m still trying to figure out if and when I’ll ever become a mommy!

    Thanks for sharing!
    Happy Motherhood!

    • August 4, 2010 9:19 am

      Thank you for reading! Motherhood seems much easier today without the barfing son…

      Lori

  89. August 4, 2010 9:23 am

    Omigod this was freaking hilarious!! I REALLY enjoyed it!! I just started blogging…literally like 5 mins. ago and it has been a lot of fun so far! Keep it coming!

    • August 4, 2010 9:35 am

      Fantastic – I’m a newbie, too! It’s been a crazy ride and I’m loving it…

      I’ve checked out your brand spankin’ new blog and am very impressed!

      Thanks for stopping by,
      Lori

  90. August 4, 2010 9:29 am

    I’m one of those chicks that had a great pregnancy, gained little weight (from the back, I looked about size 5 @ 9 months) and had minimal cravings, mood swings…etc. Everything went barreling down hill when my water broke though. You couldn’t pay me enough money to have another child. All because of that 24 hr period.
    Great blog by the way!!

    • August 4, 2010 9:50 am

      Norah – if you’d just sneezed out your kid after such a great pregnancy, I would’ve had to hunt you down! Thanks for reading…

      Lori

  91. 2pennypost permalink
    August 4, 2010 9:55 am

    This post was funny and right up my ally. Girlfriend, I am all up on the ..Not sure I’ll have another baby Wagon! I’m still getting over the initial shock of having a baby and she’s turning 2 this weekend. OMG!

    • August 4, 2010 5:26 pm

      According to posters with older kids, we should be really worried about the teen years… :-0

  92. August 4, 2010 10:20 am

    Boy, I can not wait to have kids! This post made my morning loads better!

  93. August 4, 2010 10:26 am

    You just gave me a flashback to my days of being pregnant with my firstborn. It was also a complete surprise (let’s just say I’m not a poster child for oral contraceptives). I had a Taco Bell moment too, in the form of a particularly brutal and extended crying jag resulting from the fact that the Taco Bell we had gone to great pains to visit was closed for renovations.
    Great post!

    • August 4, 2010 5:28 pm

      What is it with Taco Bell??? It’s like crack for preggos! 🙂

      Thanks for reading!
      Lori

  94. August 4, 2010 10:34 am

    Salut from prregnant blogger living in Tbilisi 🙂

    I’ve got great pleasure reading your post

    • August 4, 2010 5:30 pm

      Wow – my most remote reader! Thanks so much for taking the time and read and comment on my blog!

      Lori

  95. سیـــار permalink
    August 4, 2010 6:27 pm

    That was an awesome read 😀

  96. freakgalz permalink
    August 4, 2010 11:02 pm

    I’ve become afraid to breed,how does it feel?

    • August 5, 2010 8:32 am

      How does it feel to breed? Or to terrify you with my lil’ old post? Either way, the answer is – exciting, powerful and amazing…

      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!
      Lori

  97. August 5, 2010 10:45 am

    hahahahahahahahahaha

    Beautiful!

  98. Mr. Saeed permalink
    August 5, 2010 7:54 pm

    thanks for fun story

    • August 6, 2010 12:48 am

      Thank YOU for taking the time to read and comment – I appreciate it!

      Lori

  99. jbagley126 permalink
    August 7, 2010 11:36 pm

    I Like it so much!!! Nicely Written. 🙂

    • August 7, 2010 11:41 pm

      Thanks so much for reading my blog! I hope to have you back someday…

      Lori

  100. August 9, 2010 3:31 am

    Ah…kids – the most expensive hobby

  101. September 20, 2010 3:01 pm

    Came over here from Conflicted Mean Girl – i’m tempted to steal the phrase “to go Taco Bell” on something. If only people would understand what I was talking about, I’d do it.

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