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Would You Like a Premonition, Lap Dance or Blow Dry With That?

August 6, 2010

I’ve held over 20 jobs in my life, and while some were of the boring, cube-farm variety, many others have been downright spicy – my resume reads like vanilla ice cream with jalapeño sprinkles. So without further ado, here is but a brief sample of my various vocations:

1)      Tarot card reader

I’m a sucker for a good psychic, but I’ve never claimed to be one. I was given a deck of tarot cards in my 20’s and then a bona-fide white witch give me some tutorials. With over 15 years of practice, I’ve told people they’re pregnant, losing a job or getting a relationship right before they happened (I freak myself out sometimes). Pretty soon I had a clientele of sorts – women who paid me for private readings or brought me in to read at parties. Kind of like a stripper. Which brings me to my next bizarro job…

2)      Strip club waitress

Despite my earlier claims, I will never be described as buxom – above the waist, anyway. But when I was a broke, twenty-year-old backpacker in Australia, I briefly worked at Playbirds (class-say!) in King’s Cross, which was the Times Square, circa 1975, of Sydney.

To appreciate the astronomical level of irony this presented, consider the following: my perm and Sally Jesse Raphael specs gave me the air of a fashion-backward librarian (not the naughty kind); the closest thing to porn I’d seen was the underwear section of a Sear’s catalogue; my exposure to carnal relations was, ahem, limited; and, I’d never waitressed in my life.

At Playbirds, I served drinks while girls stripped onstage, then hung out with them offstage, with porn playing continuously on screens around me. The circular, metal tray I inherited for serving was covered in dents from unruly patrons’ foreheads, and I added a few of my own (sending one turd-burger to the floor with a well-placed shot to the ear was a shining moment). And, most importantly, I learned to swindle patrons with my sob story of needing money to get home for university (always in response to their question, “What are you doing here?”). I finally did make it home, bought contact lenses, grew out the perm and became a…

3)      Hair model

My lid is ridiculous. It’s coarse and thick, and no matter how I cut it, there’s always a hint of vintage Eddie Van Halen to it. Stylists see my mop as the ultimate challenge: I am their white whale (from the neck up, bitches).

I hooked up with a trendy salon that put on these fashion-hair-show things; I simply let the stylists to have their way with my tresses before I paraded down a runway wearing monstrosities made of burlap or pleather. When I finally bailed from that gig, my hair was fried, purple and still looking like it belonged in an 80’s garage band.

Much later, after marrying, having kids and moving to the ‘burbs, I ditched the cube farm and did what any self-respecting soccer mom would do: I became a blogger.

Putting it all together: the tarot; the bad hair; and the pole.

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21 Comments leave one →
  1. August 6, 2010 10:17 am

    I’ve been a hair model before — some of the craziest Saturday mornings of my life. It’s amazing what a gay man will decide should be going on on a straight girl’s head.

    So no more Tarot? I could use some insight into my future — or even my present or past. But, couldn’t we all.

    Crystal
    http://www.crystalspins.com

    • August 6, 2010 2:02 pm

      You know what’s so funny? On a recent trip to my hometown I ended up dusting off the deck and giving a crap-load of readings…let’s just say I’m semi-retired 😉

  2. August 6, 2010 11:16 am

    oooh Playbirds – how I remember arriving back in Sydney and finding you yahoos working there. How about your job as a tout??? Selling the resort in your bikini top behind a two by four??? You rocked at it!

    • August 6, 2010 2:02 pm

      Ha – saving that for another blog…maybe world’s most unnecessary job?
      Lori

  3. August 6, 2010 4:30 pm

    I may have met my match in you. People are always laughing at my wide variety of jobs. I’ve done everything from scope ice-cream to package computers. I’ve worked for a piano-manufacturer, a telecommunications giant and a sex phone line (wasn’t an operator). I’ve helped manufacture Nerf Balls and ironed mens shirts

    Nice to hear I’m not the only one!

    • August 7, 2010 8:42 am

      Ok – those are pretty impressive…glad to hear I’m not the only dabbler out there…!

      Lori

  4. August 6, 2010 7:00 pm

    Maybe we should all start an interactive blog about our multiply crazy jobs and the antics that went on! My husband came home from work a few weeks ago and informed me we aren’t crazy because we have a new career every year (this year I’m a chicken farmer) we are a ‘renaissance soul’. A book told him- Glad there’s a name for it!

  5. August 7, 2010 12:12 am

    Once again, love you posts. I look forward to reading everyday. I thought out my new blog and realized the title didnt fit what I was writing about, so I changed it up. Would you by any chance know how I can delete my previous blog?
    I added you to my blog roll 🙂 have a great day

    • August 8, 2010 7:55 pm

      Hi! Sorry I didn’t write back right away – I was looking into the deleting thing. I was helping a friend open a wordpress account and we actually opened 2 by mistake! We never did figure out how to delete it (I think it deletes everything in your name?) BUT in your settings you can rig it so that you only see the blog you want and the other one is effectively ‘hidden’ on your dashboard and to the world at large. I just googled it and it walked me through…sorry I can’t remember the details (the fact that I’m even operating a blog on my own is a huge step for techno-ignorants everywhere!)…hope this helps and THANKS!

  6. The Perfectly Imperfect One permalink
    August 7, 2010 1:29 am

    So, I read your blog the first time because of freshly pressed, and now I am addicted! I absolutely love your writing style. 🙂

    • August 7, 2010 8:38 am

      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and also for reading me in the first place!
      Lori

  7. August 8, 2010 7:22 pm

    Love, love, LOVE your blog. Hilar!

    • August 8, 2010 7:51 pm

      Hiya – thanks for the lovely comment! I love your blog, too (“Don’t you whole name me…” HEE!).

      Lori

  8. August 8, 2010 7:47 pm

    *chuckling* HARD!!!!

  9. August 28, 2010 12:58 am

    Oh, I have been loving reading your posts and looking at your pictures of Serbia. Very funny stuff, and I’m having a good time.

    I’m stuck in the suburbs, and know no funny people, so this is wonderful here.

    THANK YOU!!!!

    • August 28, 2010 9:30 am

      No no – thank you! And re. being stuck in the ‘burbs…why do you think I started blogging??? 😉

Trackbacks

  1. A recap of 2 weeks of blogging « A World of Lies
  2. Confessions of a Chronic Dabbler « Lori Dyan
  3. Mob Moms R Us « Lori Dyan

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