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Ass Butler No More

September 17, 2010

My 3-year-old daughter began nursery school this week. The only pre-requisite was that she be toilet trained which, back in May when we registered her, seemed like an achievable task. After all, her birthday was in July and her brother had done it a week after he turned three…how hard could it be? Apparently, pretty hard, because I’ve spent every day since then being my daughter’s ass butler.

Arriving home from Serbia two days before school started was our first mistake. I needed her to stop waking up and expecting a sandwich at 3:00 a.m., never mind going to the bathroom on her own. On her first day of school, my daughter had  (with the teacher’s consent) a pull-up diaper.

My plan to have her go poo at home before school was foiled when… she didn’t. I shoveled oatmeal, apples and eggs in her gullet hoping for results, to no avail (I suspect that I passed my anxiety to my daughter via maternal osmosis). I informed the teacher of our poo karma and was assured that my daughter would be given extra chances on the can.

I went home, sat down and stared at the wall for 10 minutes. Followed by a little Regis & Kelly. Then I had a shower. For 20 minutes. By myself. Afterwards, I went to a baby shower at a friend’s house, where Sangria was served. Before eleven o’clock. Basically, it was the best. morning. ever.

I knew the morning hadn’t gone as well for my daughter when I picked her up at noon and she was wearing different pants. There was also a plastic bag hanging on her hook, an ominous pendulum of stink. She’d dropped a load in her pull-up and I was informed that, as of that moment, she was to wear diapers only at night.

The following couple of days were a blur of puddles on the floor with the odd turd deposited in a toilet after hours of false alarms. Now I think we have a routine going and she’s starting to tell me when she has to go. Except that now, she only wants to go in her portable potty and I’m the one cleaning it out.

I’m now her potty butler. Feck.

Sittin' in the mornin' sun...

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. September 17, 2010 6:26 am

    okay, the toes… SO cute! Is it totally wrong that I want to nibble them?

  2. September 17, 2010 11:53 am

    I can’t tell you how happy I was when Chase FINALLY graduated to using the big potty and not the baby one.

    Of course, I rarely had to clean poo out of it as he REFUSED to do it there. But you know this.

    I just couldn’t deal with putting him straight into underwear because at the time, HE DID NOT CARE if it was his diaper or underwear. Couple that with the fact that my son’s output looks more like something a 5 ft tall teenager might do, and not a 3 ft tall 3.5 year old, and you had a gigantic mess on your hands of biblical proportions.

    Glad you passed the ass butler phase though. Perhaps if you buy one of those cute princess potty seats to put over the big potty she’ll start using it. Because she obviously does at school…

    Oh, not pregnant, fyi. 🙂 My other comment was supposed to say “a location very important when I was pregnant” not “when pregnant,” but you can’t edit them after submission. When pregnant my brain goes off to la-la land and the bad sleeping patterns I go through make me a zombie. I’m not intending to revisit that state again…

    Love the post. I hope the 3 AM sandwiches have gone away. I can only imagine..

    • September 18, 2010 1:18 am

      My daughter seems to not be caring too much about pooping in her pants if she wears panties…only when she’s naked does she sense that the potty is required. Hopefully it won’t be a problem next week (she only goes on Mon-Tues for now)…

  3. September 17, 2010 12:45 pm

    Potty butler is at least a step in the right direction. It turns out my husband is a sh!t chauffer. He opened our daughter’s diaper while she was still working and instead of closing up shop and coming back later for cleaing he decided the best thing to do would be to take a wipe and ‘help’ the poop the rest of the way out.. I don’t know where he comes up with these things. He called me afterwards to find out if it was ok that he did that.

  4. September 18, 2010 3:39 pm

    Yeah, it’s potty time! Love it, =)

  5. September 18, 2010 6:29 pm

    I re-read the first paragraph and tears of laughter came welling out of my eyes!
    My daughter would only poo outside until she was 4 (once she left me a stinky package right on the front porch) and even when she switched to the indoor plumbing she refused to wipe so I became the ass-wipe butler until she was almost 6.

  6. September 19, 2010 1:47 pm

    So hilarious! This too shall pass, but while you’re living it – a pendulum of stink.

  7. September 19, 2010 10:32 pm

    Wow. This sounds difficult, which is why I think my mother never really enforced proper potty training for me and my siblings. It’s why I work from home. Sounds like your daughter is going to be one of the success stories.

    • September 19, 2010 11:42 pm

      I swear to god, she’s pooping 5 times a day just to show off. The best part is when she drags her potty into the living room/kitchen, pops a squat, and hollers that she needs privacy…

      (p.s. why you work from home comment = why I love your frigging writing!)

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