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Nice Beaver

September 20, 2010

If you aren’t thinking to yourself, Thanks, I just had it stuffed, then this may not be the post for you. Here’s this thing: most of you know by now that my kids’ sense of humor lies somewhere between Teletoons and anything from the Judd Apatow canon (case in point: today my daughter did a pratfall on the couch, grabbed her butt and yelled, “D’oh – I just cracked my corn!”). Sadly, my husband and I have nobody to blame for their crassness but ourselves.

When I met my beloved, he fronted like the perfect European gentleman (ten years later, I have yet to hear him burp) but slowly he started to reveal his inner Kenny (& Spenny).

Before kids, we doted on a surrogate child named Dude, a gorgeous grey tabby cat that a roommate of mine had rescued from the pound and I took with me after moving out. The following conversation is one that was repeated constantly in our house:

Me: “Babe, have you seen my pussy?”
Husband: “Of course I have – your pussy is spectacular! Your pussy is my favorite pussy of all time.”
Me: “It’s true…my pussy is exceptional, but lately my pussy has been shedding a lot.”
Us: (Convulsing fits of laughter)

After getting knocked up, we moved to the ‘burbs, where our community newspaper is called (no joke) The Beaver. Now our exchanges sound something like this (especially on flyer day):

Me: “Babe, you should check out my beaver…”
Husband: “I’d love to see your beaver – bring it on over…”
Me (Holding up the rolled newspaper): “You see? My beaver is absolutely overflowing today!”
Husband: “That’s the biggest I’ve seen your beaver look in quite some time.”
Us: (Rolling on the floor in hysterics)

When the cat died, we briefly considered naming our ottoman ‘pussy’ to keep the jokes going, but there was no need: since having kids – particularly our son, who never met a fart joke he didn’t repeat 80 times a day – my husband has found the perfect audience for his myriad of gags, magic tricks and all around juvenile behaviour.

Unfortunately, our kids are fairly smart and will probably grow out of our humor well before high school. This worries me because my husband craves a receptive audience and I fear he’ll want to knock me up again (we all know that ain’t happening). I suspect the solution lies in – wait for it – a brand new pussy.

My dearly departed pussy.

20 Comments leave one →
  1. September 20, 2010 8:45 am

    Hilarious! If my experience is any indication, those crass senses of humor last well into the teen years. Oh, they roll their eyes at you, but their carrying on the tradition with their peers.

    I’m so glad it’s not just us. We never pass up a pussy joke. Have a paper name The Beaver is comedy gold!

  2. September 20, 2010 8:57 am

    Okay, this is really far off the point, but why spell behaviour with a U but not humor? What kind of half-breed are you??

    • September 20, 2010 9:37 am

      HA! It’s because my microsoft word is set to cdn spelling and wordpress is usa…I’m so used to google, etc. correcting me that I barely register when I accept a spelling suggestion.

      BUT, notice how pussy and beaver are universal spellings? Coincidence…?

      • September 20, 2010 12:56 pm

        cunt is universal as well… in spelling and in use. Though it is used to mean a dumbass more than a bitch over here when used as an insult; which I’ve always found weird.

  3. September 20, 2010 10:16 am

    I think you should get a weiner dog!

  4. September 20, 2010 10:39 am

    Nothing like a good beaver joke on a Monday morning to make you smile. Love it!

  5. Debra Kenly Troescher permalink
    September 20, 2010 10:44 am

    Awe… it’s DUDE!!!! Sorry to hear of his passing. I’m with the Humane Society in Idaho Falls and would be happy to help you find a new Pussy (LoL)..

    • September 20, 2010 10:51 am

      Deb – I knew I could count on you as my pussy connection!

  6. September 20, 2010 11:22 am

    My dear, quite a piece of work, quite impressive.

    Fabulous. Really. And now I’m off to pimp you around as my new beaver buddy!

    And you know you’ll have to take the family to visit Beaver, Colorado. Because you can’t miss from the freeway: Beaver Liquor!

    • September 20, 2010 11:41 am

      One can never have enough beaver buddies…

      Beaver, Colorado may just be our next vacation!
      (p.s. Toots – the link to your site isn’t working from here…it’s missing the ‘a’…I don’t want anyone to miss out on discovering your funniness!)

  7. September 20, 2010 4:05 pm

    I’m so glad I am not the only one! At a BBQ, two 9 year old were talking about roasting boulders (aka marshmallows). I cried from laughing so hard. “I want to roast your boulder” “You can roast my boulder when it’s hot enough…” and so on.

    • September 22, 2010 8:50 pm

      I am buying marshmallows this weekend to try that on my husband…I’m gonna KILL!

  8. September 21, 2010 3:46 pm

    Ah, so much better than living with a scientist/instrument manager where all I usually get is “Hey babe, wanna tune my probe”?

    Just found you through comments on The Flying Chalupa and am so glad I did. I’ll be back. Often.

    • September 22, 2010 8:52 pm

      Hi Annie – so glad you stopped by! I, too, have a big, bloggy crush on the Flying Chalupa…

      My husband would pay good money to have a valid reason to ask me about his probe.

  9. September 22, 2010 12:09 am

    So sorry it’s taken forever to get over here – but here I am! (trumpets trumpeting! flags unfurling!) And I have found a soul mate. Or blog-mate or something. Pussy? Beaver? Fart jokes? I would burp the alphabet in your honor, but I don’t know how and I think only your son might appreciate it.

    Thanks so much for the blog love – can’t wait to read more from you!

    • September 22, 2010 10:23 am

      Madam Chalupa…rest assured, I was ready to admire you from afar even if it wasn’t reciprocated. SO happy that the love is mutual because I adore reading your stuff. (Also, hearing you burp the alphabet would be music to my ears…)

  10. September 22, 2010 11:13 am

    FYI- the new word in our house is ‘ass-butler’.
    My family does not read your blog but looks forward to my evening reinactment of the Lori Dyan tales. I’ll let you know how well I accomplish the ‘cracked my corn’ segment….

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