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Crap In My Bag

October 18, 2010

Inside my purse there exists another dimension, one defying the logic of physics, space and time – similar to the one that devours socks in the dryer. No matter how sparse its contents are in the morning, by mid-afternoon my bag suddenly looks like something from that hoarders show on A&E.

Today was a pretty typical example: leave the house in a manic rush to get the kids to school; come home and deal with the wreckage left behind; realize there’s nothing for dinner; spend ten minutes at the supermarket check-out burrowing through my purse looking for my wallet.

I ended up dumping the contents of my bag on the conveyer belt in desperation until I finally spotted my wallet amidst all of the mom-crap. The pre-pubescent cashier stared at me, her gaze a disconcerting fusion of fascination and disgust. I shovelled everything back into my bag, mildly mortified, apologizing profusely to those in line behind me.

Then I saw another frazzled-looking mother give me a knowing look. She, too, was sporting a purse that could conceal a howitzer. I know I’m not alone.

That is why, in the spirit of sisterly solidarity, I’m now going to share with you the contents of my craptastically-stuffed purse:

Click on the image to see my secret shame...I should've put a ruler there to give a sense of scale...let's just say it's on the large side...

– Kleenex (I am, after all, a mother)
– My wallet (which, as you can see from the busted zipper, is a blog entry unto itself)
– Four MAC lipsticks (none of which I wear)
– Body Shop lip balm (which I always wear)
– A plethora of receipts (aka my income tax filing system)
– An expired coupon for a free DQ Blizzard (because a girl can dream)
– My manuscript (of which I’m doing a final edit before sending out my query letters)
– A mini globe (because…sorry, I’ve got nothing…)
– A fly-fishing implement from my son’s birthday that I need to take into a store and find out how to use (fyi, his birthday was in May)
– A toy car (see first point)
– An envelope full of cookie fundraising ideas for the hippie school (I’m a class rep)
– A Cars viewfinder card (viewfinder was lost in 2008, but my daughter wants to marry Lightning McQueen)
– Pearls (in case I get invited to a state dinner)
– Nail polish (see above)
– A mason jar (What? Like you don’t have one?)
– An extra mason jar lid (D’uh)
– Tea light candle (Ummm…blackout?)
– Chalk (see first point)
– Strawberry shortcake figurine (see first point)
– Case for sunglasses (empty because I lost sunglasses in Serbia)
– Eye drops (expired last April)
– Check book (because apparently I live in 1985)
– iPhone (to obsessively check comments on my blog…HINT!)
– Grocery list written on a Kleenex (because I keep forgetting I have an iPhone)
– Lid for baby teapot (which broke last month)
– Letter magnets from the fridge (not sure of the significance of S and V)
– Antibacterial wipes (see first point)
– Coupon from Mr. Lube (sadly, not a euphemism)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go organize myself (with a little help from my friend, Mr. Smirnoff).

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28 Comments leave one →
  1. October 18, 2010 7:31 am

    As a former Girl Scout, I envision all kinds of circumstances in which that mason jar would come in handy. I’m putting one in my purse as we speak. 😉

  2. October 18, 2010 7:52 am

    Hilarious. And so familiar.

    My daughter pointed out to me the other day that not only do I carry too much stuff in my purse, now some of it has migrated to my keychain. There are keys, store discount doohickeys, a little flashlight, the car security keyfob and my wallet. So far.

    She may have a point.

    • October 18, 2010 10:52 pm

      You’re going to herniate a disc if you ever attach that thing to your belt loop!

  3. October 18, 2010 8:13 am

    OMG it is like my purse! and my kids are 20 and 26! I won a party game at a baby shower once because I had everything on the 25 item list in my purse including an unidentifiable object.

    • October 18, 2010 10:51 pm

      Jeez – you mean it doesn’t go away once they grow up?!?!?

      I love that you’ve benefitted from your condition…did you get any cash? (and did you ever identify the object?)

  4. October 18, 2010 9:09 am

    This must be a mom thing. My own bag is tightly edited: wallet, BlackBerry, gum, sunglasses, lip balm, pen, notepad. (This might be because I change bags so often it needs to be an efficient process.) But I do remember my mom’s purse being a delightful and bottomless catch-all of various sundries. How sterile my bag seems in comparison!

  5. October 18, 2010 9:37 am

    I tend to have 6 lip balms or zero lip balms in my purse. Part of my all or nothing approach.

    Did you ever watch the cheesy 1970s game show, Let’s Make a Deal? At the end while the credits rolled, Monte Hall would go into the audience, and choose a woman, the say, “I’ll give you $5 for every safety pin you have.” Then he’d move to someone else, “I’ll give you 10 if you have an elastic.” I’m not sure he got to Mason Jar, but you would have have broken the bank.

    Too funny. Hope Mr. Schmirnoff helped. Maybe you should play naive and try to turn in the Mr. Lube coupon as a euphemism…

    • October 18, 2010 9:38 am

      You’ll notice I can’t spell “Schmirnoff.” I’m not sure if that’s good news or sad. I am, after all, an English teacher..

      • October 18, 2010 12:49 pm

        It would be more sad if the English teacher could spell all of the alcohol brands without making the odd mistake 😉

    • October 18, 2010 12:43 pm

      Let’s Make a Deal has been revived with Wayne Brady as the host. I’d prefer to watch reruns though. Wayne Brady is not my cup of tea.

      • October 18, 2010 10:48 pm

        Monte Hall was da bomb! LOOOOVED that show (along with Match Game…yes, I am 86 years old…)

  6. October 18, 2010 10:47 am

    I keep thinking there’s something to the combination of the mason jar, the tealight and the viewfinder card… hmm… what would Martha do?

    • October 18, 2010 10:49 pm

      Oy. You’ll have to ask Martha – I am craftily-challenged…

  7. October 18, 2010 11:33 am

    Lori – I am dying laughing! I sat down to read this after dumping my purse on the kitchen counter a few minutes ago! I thought I had a dentist appointment but couldn’t find the reminder card… Yesterday, my neighbor was standing in my living room, her phone rang in her purse, when she pulled it out, it was HER HOUSE PHONE! She had absent-mindedly throw in it!

    I will put a mason jar in my purse immediately!

    • October 18, 2010 10:49 pm

      That is AWESOME! I took my home phone to my kid’s school last month. Maybe it was all that aspartame we consumed in the 70’s?

  8. October 18, 2010 12:45 pm

    This is absolutely hilarious. I love the itemized list.

    Incidentally, I also carry around my checkbook like its 1985.

    • October 18, 2010 10:47 pm

      Just wait until your kid is in school – I’m writing checks to them every week!

  9. October 18, 2010 8:40 pm

    I also tote around a daily planner…like it’s 1985. Because the appt reminders, blackberry and iphone, all synched with my outlook calendar, etc. evidently just don’t cut it.

    And last week, I couldn’t find a pen while at my desk in the office. I had FIVE in my purse.

    Lately my son has taken to going through my purse, removing everything, and hiding the contents. I’m still trying to find my stamps (because I just figured out online bill paying :)! )

    PS. WHERE DO THE SOCKS GO? I just bought more. It’s like socks come in the house, only to disappear forever…

    • October 18, 2010 10:46 pm

      Holy crap – I just found stamps in my bag last week that were 3 cents cheaper than we now use! I’m so happy that others share my bag issues…

  10. October 19, 2010 8:17 pm

    Dear Ms. Dyan,
    Mother Hen here.
    Mother has a bag which weighs more than she does. It’s true. She has to borrow a wheelbarrow from Farmer Brown any time she wants to go anywhere.
    Obviously, Mother doesn’t get out much.
    However, the bag is big enough to carry the nest and all the chicks if necessary.
    Maybe she should just borrow the wheelbarrow and leave the bag at home.
    Overwhelmingly yours,
    Mother Hen
    http://motherhensnest.wordpress.com

  11. Tina permalink
    October 20, 2010 12:36 am

    My guess on the S and the V magnet letter would be that you were attempting to spell out SAVE ME! 🙂

    • October 20, 2010 7:12 am

      Ha! I need to start a comment of the month club because you just won it, lady!

  12. jamie permalink
    October 22, 2010 1:12 am

    amagad…they still make Viewmasters?!!

  13. TheIdiotSpeaketh permalink
    December 2, 2010 4:49 pm

    Wow! And here I thought my George Costanza wallet that is so full that it caused me to tilt 13 degrees to the left….was full….. you got me beat by a mile! 🙂

    • December 6, 2010 9:19 am

      FYI my husband is pleased that, if I have to have a male online buddy, it’s someone as obsessed with Seinfeld as he is…

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