Crap In My Bag
Inside my purse there exists another dimension, one defying the logic of physics, space and time – similar to the one that devours socks in the dryer. No matter how sparse its contents are in the morning, by mid-afternoon my bag suddenly looks like something from that hoarders show on A&E.
Today was a pretty typical example: leave the house in a manic rush to get the kids to school; come home and deal with the wreckage left behind; realize there’s nothing for dinner; spend ten minutes at the supermarket check-out burrowing through my purse looking for my wallet.
I ended up dumping the contents of my bag on the conveyer belt in desperation until I finally spotted my wallet amidst all of the mom-crap. The pre-pubescent cashier stared at me, her gaze a disconcerting fusion of fascination and disgust. I shovelled everything back into my bag, mildly mortified, apologizing profusely to those in line behind me.
Then I saw another frazzled-looking mother give me a knowing look. She, too, was sporting a purse that could conceal a howitzer. I know I’m not alone.
That is why, in the spirit of sisterly solidarity, I’m now going to share with you the contents of my craptastically-stuffed purse:
– Kleenex (I am, after all, a mother)
– My wallet (which, as you can see from the busted zipper, is a blog entry unto itself)
– Four MAC lipsticks (none of which I wear)
– Body Shop lip balm (which I always wear)
– A plethora of receipts (aka my income tax filing system)
– An expired coupon for a free DQ Blizzard (because a girl can dream)
– My manuscript (of which I’m doing a final edit before sending out my query letters)
– A mini globe (because…sorry, I’ve got nothing…)
– A fly-fishing implement from my son’s birthday that I need to take into a store and find out how to use (fyi, his birthday was in May)
– A toy car (see first point)
– An envelope full of cookie fundraising ideas for the hippie school (I’m a class rep)
– A Cars viewfinder card (viewfinder was lost in 2008, but my daughter wants to marry Lightning McQueen)
– Pearls (in case I get invited to a state dinner)
– Nail polish (see above)
– A mason jar (What? Like you don’t have one?)
– An extra mason jar lid (D’uh)
– Tea light candle (Ummm…blackout?)
– Chalk (see first point)
– Strawberry shortcake figurine (see first point)
– Case for sunglasses (empty because I lost sunglasses in Serbia)
– Eye drops (expired last April)
– Check book (because apparently I live in 1985)
– iPhone (to obsessively check comments on my blog…HINT!)
– Grocery list written on a Kleenex (because I keep forgetting I have an iPhone)
– Lid for baby teapot (which broke last month)
– Letter magnets from the fridge (not sure of the significance of S and V)
– Antibacterial wipes (see first point)
– Coupon from Mr. Lube (sadly, not a euphemism)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go organize myself (with a little help from my friend, Mr. Smirnoff).