Skip to content

You Might Be a Parent If…

October 25, 2010

While driving, you start pointing out interesting sights – “Look, it’s a cow/digger/ train!” – with the kind of zeal formerly reserved for sample sales. (Note: You might the parent of a bad sleeper if you do this even when driving by yourself.)

You utter such classics as, “I’ll give you something to cry about!” or, “One…two… “ or, “Don’t make me come over there!” – not to your children, but to your husband.

Sex is something to be scheduled, like a dental appointment.

Your main fantasy still involves being blindfolded in a hotel room, but now includes some earplugs, Sleepeze and no one else there.

You find presents hidden around the house in April that you bought the previous June and forgot to give for Christmas.

You host dinner parties that begin at 4:00 p.m. and guests are gone by 10 p.m.

Your tupperware outnumbers your shoes.

The delight with which you react to someone else’s poo can best be described as overly enthusiastic.

Dining out involves plastic menus, booster seats and tri-packs of cello-wrapped crayons – and the meal is over in less than twenty minutes.

Instead of begrudging the wailing baby who’s sitting behind you on a plane/train/bus, you feel of sense of empathy for the parents, along with a healthy dose of, “Better them than me.”

Eight o’clock is a perfectly acceptable (even enviable) bedtime.

You realize that couldn’t do long division on paper even if a gun was pointed at your head – or is this one just me….?

I am a parent, because last week, I did all of the above.

It's like looking in a mirror...

16 Comments leave one →
  1. October 25, 2010 9:10 am

    If your lunch consists of your child’s left over mac ‘n cheese and half sandwich.

    This post is so true. I think I do all of the above on a daily basis… especially the poo thing. Thank goodness I’m not alone!

  2. October 25, 2010 10:17 am

    So true! May I add:
    – waking up (not coming home) at 5:30 am
    – you preach the benefits of a mini-van like a religious convert
    – you wipe snot off of upper lips with your fingers
    – you have entire conversations with other adults and never once look them in the eye
    – along the same lines, it takes 30 minutes to relay a message that should only take 2 minutes to another adult when your kids are around

    • October 26, 2010 9:20 am

      You may definitely add the above – I’ve even done the snot thing on my sleeve…ugh.

  3. Andrea Bitner permalink
    October 25, 2010 1:14 pm

    100% true, just in my case not even a small division


  4. October 25, 2010 2:13 pm

    I have nothing to add (because my brain is mush after SiWC), but I started a new tradition of giving a small gift at Easter…only because I always find a few Christmas stocking stuffers that never made it out of the closet.

    Missed you!

    • October 26, 2010 9:21 am

      Smart thinking – I’m adding that to my bag o’ tricks. Totally bummed that I missed out on the awesomeness that is you and your crew…

  5. October 25, 2010 4:20 pm

    This was hilarious. Great post! Its so crazy how things change once you become a mommy. Instead of singing the lastest hit on the radio you are singing … Ryan went pee pee in the potty.

  6. October 26, 2010 1:42 am

    Yes, yes, and YES!

    Sometimes it’s like you are living my life.

    My husband asked me what I wanted to do for my 30th birthday in December. I told him I wanted him to take the children away so I could get 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Sounds wild doesn’t it?

  7. October 26, 2010 12:21 pm

    Mine is specifically for parents of babies:

    when you sing everything (instead of speaking like a normal human) as if you are trying out for a Sound Of Music theater revivial, in the hopes of keeping your kid from having a meltdown.

  8. Jaap permalink
    October 27, 2010 6:52 am

    You are so right! Even single dad’s have the same kind of issues…

  9. October 27, 2010 12:04 pm

    Hilarious! I love the 8pm bedtime. oh, and I have that magnet on my frig~ wow, how your world turns upside down when kids come

  10. October 27, 2010 2:18 pm

    Loved this Lori! Super funny! We had people for dinner this weekend and I felt bad not starting until 5:30 – it felt sooo late! 😉

  11. October 28, 2010 1:31 pm

    holy shit – I was dying laughing at the first one until I realized that the rest pertained as well.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: