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You’ll Never Eat Brunch In This Town Again

November 12, 2010

This is a love letter to all of the single mothers out there. Last weekend, while the Serb was out exercising, I decided that taking my feisty, screwed-up-from-the-time-change children for brunch would be a swell idea. I’m used to shlepping them around by myself – birthday parties and grocery shopping are a specialty – but there’s something about the confined space of a restaurant booth, combined with low blood sugar and tantalizing aromas, that begs for drama.

Not bailing at the sight of a 15-minute line-up was my first blunder. My daughter decided to serenade everyone with a lilting rendition of Twinkle, Twinkle until she realized that people were watching. Then she had a meltdown (she should teach a master class).

I’d have run for the car had I not just spotted a huge Belgian waffle, loaded with fruit and whipped cream, heading to some lucky bastard’s table. My resolve to see brunch through was as ironclad as a Trump pre-nup.

At this point, I’m pretty sure I was slipped the parental equivalent of a roofie in my OJ, because I let the kids sit side-by-side and across the table from me. Within minutes we had no clean forks, a packet of jam had been launched to a nearby table and I’d abandoned healthy conflict-resolution techniques for bribes and threats (the ridiculous kind i.e. “Get your finger out of her nose right now or you won’t eat until tomorrow!”).

Luckily we were in the kind of establishment that caters to delusional parents who think restaurants are a perfectly acceptable place in which to socialize their children, so the service was fast and the jam was plentiful. In less time than we waited in line, I ordered for us, fed us, took my daughter to the bathroom three times (to show off her mad potty skillz) and sent my husband four text messages requesting demanding that he join us immediately.

I don’t remember what we ate or how much it cost. All I know is, until further notice, any meals eaten without my husband and outside of our home will involve a drive-thru.

This is how I remember it...

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. November 12, 2010 9:56 am

    I love this!! This is how any restaurant meals go for us -EVEN with both parents present!!! Good for you for trying!! Better for you to accept the drive-thru as an acceptable alternative:)
    Hope you got your waffle and I hope it was FABULOUS!

    • November 15, 2010 1:09 pm

      I think it was fabulous…it’s a blur (either that or I’ve blocked it out).

  2. November 12, 2010 12:34 pm

    I remember when brunch was the ultimate in leisurely meals. Hell it’s supposed to cover TWO meals so it’s supposed to take all morning. I used to even get dressed up for brunch. Kids are scary. and ruin everything. (kidding kidding)

    • November 15, 2010 1:08 pm

      Ha – they ARE scary! (and they do ruin some things, but they’re cute so you forgive them…most of the time…)

  3. November 12, 2010 3:06 pm

    That sounds like a meal I have WITH my husband. But yes, you do sound delusional. Belgian waffles do that to me too!

  4. November 12, 2010 8:51 pm

    Actually, now that my kids are 6, they’re nearly angelic in restaurants with me. However, I will not grocery shop with them. Ever. Ever ever.

    • November 15, 2010 1:07 pm

      Ugh. I read your comment after returning home from some grocery shopping with the 2 kids. Freaking nightmare. You area wise, wise mom…

  5. November 13, 2010 10:56 am

    When I was a single mother and I wanted to go out for breakfast I called my Dad up! Not only did he keep the attention of his darling granddaughter while I shoveled coffee and food down my gullet he would pick up the tab! I can get a bit narcissistic when hungry.

  6. November 14, 2010 5:29 pm

    Oh no, you didn’t really let them sit together in the booth did you? Say it isn’t so! I prefer to take my kids out to eat one at a time just to avoid them sitting together. I really need to find a restaurant that will let me split the 3 of them up at various places around the restaurant while also hooking me up to a wine IV.

    If I find one, I’ll call you. Maybe you can join me?

  7. November 15, 2010 1:50 pm

    I took Will to bfast at Denny’s in the Good Ole USA a few weekend ago. I cried 10 minutes in…it took 23 minutes for breakfast to arrive…it’s an EFFING DENNY’S. I literally walked out in tears with a screaming Will and through money at the hostess……

    This weekend – we went out and spent 45 mins at the local diner – it took the kid that long to hoover back enough food for a month (he crapped 3 times in the ensuing hour)….and it was awesome….

    but can I come to the wine iv party???

    • November 17, 2010 7:05 am

      You’re always invited to anything with a wine IV. I feel for you with the Denny’s nightmare – having a kid melt on you while you’re both hungry is the worst!

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