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Like A Virgin – Sprayed For The Very First Time

November 15, 2010

Around this time last year I lost my virginity. It only took about five minutes and I was allowed to wear my undies, but had to ditch the bra. It was surprisingly painless, although the sheets were so badly stained afterwards that I had to throw them out. As hard as it may be to believe, and as difficult as this is for me to admit, until last year I’d never had a spray tan.

I know there are others out there who look like I do a month after Labour Day: pale; exhausted and deficient in a multitude of vitamins. Too scared to set foot in a Fabutan, too broke to get on a plane to Cabo, too intimidated to give more than a passing glance at the local Mystic Tan after seeing what was either a bodybuilder or Chippendale dancer emerge, glistening with a mahogany hue.

Then my local eyebrow waxer advertised a spray tan special at her salon the day before a fundraising gala I was attending at the hippie school. I figured that the cost would be offset by not having to buy nylons and signed up for a “medium” tan.

Rather than standing in a booth and having the goo sprayed on me by a machine, my little waxing lady did it herself with something that resembled a James Bond camera pen attached to a hose. Not only did she stand very close to me throughout the process, she also talked the whole time – with her hands.

I didn’t realize it then, but the key to a good spray tan (aside from not having it applied in a closet at a place called Crazy Nails) is slow, even distribution. Mine looked like it had been applied by a serial killer who was prone to seizures. I had splotches, streaks and one ankle was missed completely. Things were looking a little streaky, but my Fairy Tanmother assured me it would blend as it absorbed into my skin.

I was hoping to be transformed into a Sports Illustrated model, but at home I realized the result was more Toddlers & Tiaras (with legs like Sequoias). People, it was not good. My husband took one look at me and belted out a verse of No Woman, No Cry. Something had to be done.

I’d been warned against bathing for ten hours lest I lose some of my bronzed lustre, so I immediately wore out a loofah giving myself a Silkwood shower. The next morning I awoke with umber-smudged linens, but another 20-minute shower erased the last vestiges of my tan. That evening I enjoyed the party in all my pasty glory. Thank god this kind of virginity really does grow back.

Why, Mr. Valentino, it's like looking into a mirror.

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. November 15, 2010 7:35 am

    This should be a PSA! And yes, I think the first clue was “my little waxing lady”. Yikes!

  2. November 15, 2010 8:28 am

    Oh my word. No woman, no cry! Hilarious! Thank goodness it wasn’t a perma stain.

  3. November 15, 2010 8:56 am

    oh precious god in heaven, the visual on this, it’s just….too..sad.

    I hope a bad first time doesn’t scare you away.

    It can be quite good when done with experienced hands.

    • November 15, 2010 1:02 pm

      I’m totally holding out for the right partner…try, try again and all that…

  4. November 15, 2010 9:38 am

    Hysterical.
    A friend of mine did this before her sisters wedding. I tried to convince her to wash, rinse, loofah and repeat but she wouldn’t listen. Suffice it to say that she doesn’t display any of the wedding pics.

    • November 15, 2010 1:02 pm

      I have a picture, too…I’ll show my daughter if she ever decides to get one…

  5. November 15, 2010 3:03 pm

    A Cautionary Tale . . . thank you for sharing. I was just thinking about getting one but figured that I would end up looking more like Snooki than a sun-kissed version of myself.

    • November 17, 2010 7:04 am

      Anything that gets you a step closer to Snookiville must be avoided at all costs.

  6. November 15, 2010 3:31 pm

    Too funny! And what a thoughtful husband! He could have acted like it was all OK and you would have gone to the party all streaky!

  7. November 15, 2010 7:57 pm

    Loved loved LOVED your intro paragraph. I was horrified. And disgusted. But like watching a train wreck, I just had to keep reading… 😉

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