Like A Virgin – Sprayed For The Very First Time
Around this time last year I lost my virginity. It only took about five minutes and I was allowed to wear my undies, but had to ditch the bra. It was surprisingly painless, although the sheets were so badly stained afterwards that I had to throw them out. As hard as it may be to believe, and as difficult as this is for me to admit, until last year I’d never had a spray tan.
I know there are others out there who look like I do a month after Labour Day: pale; exhausted and deficient in a multitude of vitamins. Too scared to set foot in a Fabutan, too broke to get on a plane to Cabo, too intimidated to give more than a passing glance at the local Mystic Tan after seeing what was either a bodybuilder or Chippendale dancer emerge, glistening with a mahogany hue.
Then my local eyebrow waxer advertised a spray tan special at her salon the day before a fundraising gala I was attending at the hippie school. I figured that the cost would be offset by not having to buy nylons and signed up for a “medium” tan.
Rather than standing in a booth and having the goo sprayed on me by a machine, my little waxing lady did it herself with something that resembled a James Bond camera pen attached to a hose. Not only did she stand very close to me throughout the process, she also talked the whole time – with her hands.
I didn’t realize it then, but the key to a good spray tan (aside from not having it applied in a closet at a place called Crazy Nails) is slow, even distribution. Mine looked like it had been applied by a serial killer who was prone to seizures. I had splotches, streaks and one ankle was missed completely. Things were looking a little streaky, but my Fairy Tanmother assured me it would blend as it absorbed into my skin.
I was hoping to be transformed into a Sports Illustrated model, but at home I realized the result was more Toddlers & Tiaras (with legs like Sequoias). People, it was not good. My husband took one look at me and belted out a verse of No Woman, No Cry. Something had to be done.
I’d been warned against bathing for ten hours lest I lose some of my bronzed lustre, so I immediately wore out a loofah giving myself a Silkwood shower. The next morning I awoke with umber-smudged linens, but another 20-minute shower erased the last vestiges of my tan. That evening I enjoyed the party in all my pasty glory. Thank god this kind of virginity really does grow back.
This should be a PSA! And yes, I think the first clue was “my little waxing lady”. Yikes!
Sigh – where were you when I needed you?!?!??! 🙂
Oh my word. No woman, no cry! Hilarious! Thank goodness it wasn’t a perma stain.
But the sheets! The sheeeets!
oh precious god in heaven, the visual on this, it’s just….too..sad.
I hope a bad first time doesn’t scare you away.
It can be quite good when done with experienced hands.
I’m totally holding out for the right partner…try, try again and all that…
Hysterical.
A friend of mine did this before her sisters wedding. I tried to convince her to wash, rinse, loofah and repeat but she wouldn’t listen. Suffice it to say that she doesn’t display any of the wedding pics.
I have a picture, too…I’ll show my daughter if she ever decides to get one…
A Cautionary Tale . . . thank you for sharing. I was just thinking about getting one but figured that I would end up looking more like Snooki than a sun-kissed version of myself.
Anything that gets you a step closer to Snookiville must be avoided at all costs.
Too funny! And what a thoughtful husband! He could have acted like it was all OK and you would have gone to the party all streaky!
How true! That’s a good silver lining…
Loved loved LOVED your intro paragraph. I was horrified. And disgusted. But like watching a train wreck, I just had to keep reading… 😉
That’s how I felt getting the tan.