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Ritual of Disaster

November 17, 2010

Every so often people (a.k.a. grandma) ask if I’m done having children. I usually direct them to this post, but anyone seeing my bedtime ritual would undoubtedly assume that unless a stork or immaculate conception are involved, my chances of getting knocked up are abysmally slim.

It starts – and typically ends – with my jammies: now that the season of lingerie (e.g. summertime…and my 30’s…) has passed, I tend to favour flannel bottoms topped with an old t-shirt that’s covered in kid-schmutz. Sexy? Hells no. Comfy? Oh yeah, baby.

Mr. Lautner looks clean enough, but the shirt is shmutz-city...

If it’s allergy season (it seems I’m sensitive to oxygen) or I have a cold, then each nostril is either corked with tissues or I’ve strapped a Breathe-Right nasal strip across my nose.

This is how I envision myself, fully stripped.

Next up is a mouth guard that’s used to prevent teeth grinding (that’s not the only grinding being prevented…ba-dum-ch!) and, if the kids have been waking up at 5:45 a.m. every morning since the time change, earplugs.

I’ll pause a moment to let your libido recover (perhaps a cold shower is in order…).

My pièce de résistance is a pair of socks. But wait – it gets better: these aren’t just any socks and they aren’t worn on my feet (minds out of the gutter, people!). They’re super-soft chenille socks and I put them on my lotion-slathered hands, like mittens. Why not use super-soft chenille mittens, you ask? I have no answer (but anyone getting me for secret Santa…you’re welcome).

How we haven’t popped out a litter of kiddies, Duggar-style, remains a mystery…

Like this, but with softer hands.

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20 Comments leave one →
  1. November 17, 2010 6:48 am

    HAWT! I’m right there with you. Although my mouth guard is my teeth whitener apparatus and instead of the nose strips (I’m to cheap), I’m coughing and hacking and horking and reaching for my roll of toilet tissue.

    You funny, Lori. Thanks for the laughs.

    • November 17, 2010 7:02 am

      i tried scotch tape as a homemade strip, but it just acted as a homemade Biore strip…which was still a win-win (I wish I’d invented strips – I’d be RICH!)

  2. November 17, 2010 6:49 am

    You descibed me. Except I have socks on my feet. I feel bad. I miss sex, but I’m just too damned tired.

    • November 17, 2010 7:01 am

      Since you’re already there, you might as well go for the socks on hands, too…

  3. November 17, 2010 11:49 am

    When I climb into bed, my husband generally says, “Here comes the ritual.” It involves warming up my bed with the heat bag (a homemade wheat one my mom made me – yes, with wheat they grew on their farm – but that’s as sentimental as it gets). Then I fluff the pillows (plural), put one down by my feet, transfer the heat bag to my freezing toes, put in earplugs, and tuck myself in. At that point I start to read. I hold the book with my hands in the duvet cover, which means I often (once a night?) lose grip and the book knocks straight-jacketed-me in the face. A few nights ago I had to instruct my kids to tap me if they needed me (they were sick)…because I’m hard to see in my cocoon and I certainly can’t hear anything.

  4. November 17, 2010 12:25 pm

    EARPLUGS! I knew I was missing something.
    I think I’m going to go find some socks and take a nap!

  5. November 17, 2010 7:56 pm

    Hilarious. Like, who doesn’t have a bedtime ritual? Retainer & Socks baby, all the way. And heat. Must have HEAT!

  6. November 17, 2010 8:37 pm

    You are too funny. Yes. The season of sexiness has definitely passed for me as well. But the funny thing? My husband doesn’t realize ANYTHING has changed. Which is kind of wonderful. And seriously disturbing. And highly annoying. Especially when he’d like a little action and all I want is sleep.

    • November 20, 2010 8:20 am

      My husband is not as strong as yours. Unless I wear a skirt that day – then it’s game over for me…

  7. November 18, 2010 4:33 am

    I’m 26 and my nightly routine is almost identical, bite splint and all.

    • November 18, 2010 4:34 am

      I also wear an eye mask. You should definitely add this to your regimen!

      • November 20, 2010 8:11 am

        I used to, but I find it slips down and one night I woke up choking myself!

    • November 20, 2010 8:18 am

      Your hands will be like silk when you’re my age…

  8. November 18, 2010 8:31 am

    holy shit…I’m dying over here… why didn’t you get the Serb to take a picture of you! Come on babies…

  9. November 24, 2010 1:38 am

    Wait! What you described is not sexy and romantical (my favorite made up word)?! No wonder my husband reads the paper and rolls over and goes to sleep. I thought the heat bag (not as awesome as Ironic Mom’s) around my neck and the heating pad on my low back, screamed, youth, sex and vitality. Next you’re going to tell me that full-butt, cotton underwear with holes isn’t sexy!

    • November 24, 2010 11:06 pm

      If we all had a slumber party, the joint would go up in flames from the heating apparatus (apparati?)…

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