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Cookie Fairy Fail

November 18, 2010

I’m one of two parent reps for my son’s second grade class at the hippie school. This basically involves attending monthly meetings and relaying any pertinent information to the other parents. I’m six months into the role and already drunk with power. “Relaying” has morphed into bossing and people refer to the e-mail I sent last month as the Bitch Slap of 2010. Well my friends, today my karma arrived and it was coated in a sugary, butter-drenched batter.

I’d been threatening encouraging people to bake a dozen sugar cookies for our upcoming Christmas Fair. The recipe looked easy enough: mix butter, sugar, eggs, flour, etc.; roll it out; cookie cutter; the end. Grand holiday feasts aside, I’m a fairly decent cook and was feeling so smug that I doubled the batch, thinking I’d make up for any slacker parents. I was the culinary equivalent of Glee’s Rachel Berry, minus the talent.

From the moment I turned on the oven it was a disaster. I briefly considered blaming the recipe, lack of granite countertops or non-silicone baking sheet, but none of these things mattered: a blind pygmy grandpa in Sub-Sahara Africa could easily out-bake me. Don’t believe me? I’ll let the pictures do the talking (getting a blog post out of this experience was the only silver lining).

Exhibit A:

Cookie #1: Looks good, right? Round(ish), well-proportioned and very cookie-esque.

Exhibit B:

Cookie #5: Uh oh. Why is the dough so sticky? And mushy? Dammit.

Exhibit C:

Cookie #7: Mother f***ing piece of sh*t son of a b***h!!!

Exhibit D:

I hate cookies.

Exhibit E:

The aftermath.

 

My three-year-old’s reaction summed it up best: “Those aren’t cookies!” And she’s right. But these are:

Now these are cookies.

And any future hippie school baking will rely on them. Heavily.

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19 Comments leave one →
  1. November 18, 2010 11:58 pm

    Oh dear! Well you can even make Pillsbury plain sugar cookies and go all Martha and get heavy handed w/ the sugar glitter. Then when asked tell them it’s an old family tradition.

  2. November 19, 2010 7:17 am

    Comment from my co-parent rep: All I can say is, the children will be running away screaming from the Cookie Fairy this year. She’s gonna have to pay them to take one of your cookies.

  3. November 19, 2010 8:50 am

    It’s ok to laugh with you right? Cause that is pretty funny stuff!

  4. November 19, 2010 10:16 am

    Amien for store bough cookie dough! Btw, I’m one of your new fan! I discover your blog through Paige Morgan slightly off balance, and she’s right! I truly enjoy your writing and your sense of humor. Keep on writing!

    • November 20, 2010 8:09 am

      Yay – thanks for stopping by! I like home made, but only if it’s made in someone else’s home…

  5. November 19, 2010 1:30 pm

    I love the Pillsbury dough boy…everything about him….

  6. November 19, 2010 5:08 pm

    I have the best sugar cookie recipe ever ever ever! it isn’t for shaped cookies but hell, you can put holiday colored sugar on then and TaDa – festive cookies. want it?

    • November 20, 2010 8:08 am

      Thanks, toots – but sugar cookies are now officially dead to me.

  7. November 20, 2010 10:01 pm

    When my daughter attended her hippie school there was a ‘no sugar’ rule. I hope your not telling all of us this is the only time of the year these little muchkins get sugar?! You must repent!

    • November 22, 2010 10:57 pm

      My kids practically mainline sugar, but in sneaky ways, like pbj sammies with 3 inches of j…

  8. November 24, 2010 11:24 pm

    Cookies don’t like me either! I love your “Exhibit D” picture! That’s exactly what I do when something doesn’t go my way! lol

  9. Leighan permalink
    November 25, 2010 10:26 am

    I had no idea how talented you were! Love your writing. Thanks for sharing.

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