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Doctor Grandpa’s Gonna Get It

December 3, 2010

I have an appointment with an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist tomorrow. He looks like a very elderly grandpa-style doctor from the 1950’s, complete with one of those mirror discs on his head:

Awww...Mr. Rogers as a doctor, am I right?

But in reality, he gives off more of a psycho-sadist vibe:

Like this, but in my ear.

As least, that’s my memory from when I saw him last year and almost kicked him in the gut.

Here’s the deal: I’ve been known to stick things in my ear. Nothing perverted (sorry sickos-who-Googled-some-freaky-ear-fetish-and-landed-here-by-mistake…now shoo). It’s just that I get really itchy ears.

You can imagine what a turn-on it’s been for the Serb to see me shoving the arm of my glasses in my head (I forgot to include it with my sexy-times ritual). He and Doctor Oz constantly warn me of the dangers of such reckless impaling and last year it finally caught up with me.

I’d recently completed a triathlon and all of the swimming had given me a chronic ear infection, which was worsened by me ramming my ear with foreign objects. In four days, I was in the ER five times – mainlining antibiotics and downing Percocet like Tic Tacs – repeatedly telling the nurses that the pain was akin to giving birth out of my fricking ear until they finally referred me to Doctor Grandpa.

In tears, I sat in his chair cupping my ear and begging him to ease the incessant stabbing sensation radiating from my eardrum into my skull. I was told to turn my head to the side as he approached me with an extremely pointy ENT-spear in one hand and a suction tool in the other.

What happened next felt like giving birth while passing a kidney stone through my ear canal. I instinctively jerked my head away from him, screamed loudly (I believe my exact words were, “F**K!”) and shot my leg out, narrowly missing Doctor Grandpa’s aforementioned stomach.

He calmly informed me that I had fungus on my eardrum and he needed to scrape/suction it off, like barnacles. I briefly considered getting up and leaving, but visions of mushrooms growing out of my ear kept my ass in the seat.

I didn’t kick or swear at him again; however, I did blubber like a baby throughout the procedure. He then packed my ear with cotton and told me to return the next day to repeat the process. I saw Doctor Grandpa for five days in a row, people. Every time he came at me with that pointy stick, I almost fainted.

During my last appointment I was told to wear earplugs while doing laps (oh, and also stop sticking sh*t in my ears), but since then I’ve been too scared to do any serious swimming. Which is why I’m so frustrated at my current condition: my kids dumped a full Dora watering can on my head at the YMCA kiddie pool two weeks ago and I still have water sloshing around my ear. My family doctor took a look in there today and said an ENT will have to clean it out properly.

Guess who she referred me to?

This. Was in my ear.

15 Comments leave one →
  1. December 3, 2010 10:57 am

    Ever since I had children I find disgusting things fascinating. Is it wrong that I couldn’t stop reading this? Even after the part about the fungus on the ear? Seriously, very gross but hope everything goes well.

    • December 6, 2010 9:20 am

      If I’ve grossed you out, then my work here is done…! (And fyi, I haven’t been yet! Lots of people out there are doing similar things I guess, because he’s booked! Hopefully today…I’m deaf in one ear)

  2. TheIdiotSpeaketh permalink
    December 3, 2010 11:21 am

    Why I suddenly found myself sticking my pen into my ear while reading this is a real mystery…. Subliminal suggestion on your part I guess! Thanks Lori! 🙂

  3. ryoko861 permalink
    December 3, 2010 1:15 pm

    Oh I remember my first ear infection and this was BEFORE the bubblegum flavored medicine of today! I DEFINITELY feel your pain!!!

    Are you sure you were near his stomach? He really should be careful of people like you, you could accidently hit him in the wrong place, possibly lower than the stomach. Like “Ooops, did I just hit you in the plums….my bad.”

    • December 6, 2010 9:21 am

      Hmmm…he’s really old…I suspect his plums are raisins and provide a much more difficult target… 😉

  4. December 3, 2010 1:46 pm

    I know I shouldn’t smile while reading your post, but I couldn’t help myself! That was funny! I totally pictured him with his torture gadget! I never had an ear infection that was worth seeing a doctor for, and I pray to God that it’ll never happen… ever!

  5. December 3, 2010 3:49 pm

    Oh sheesh. I am so sorry. The hubs has a terribly itchy ear. I should have him read this as a warning.
    Also, I’m now feeling REALLY terrible for my daughter who had ear infections almost non stop from 9-18mos.

    But girlfriend, how can you avoid the pool? That’s GOT to be killing you. I’ll go swim some laps for you, mkay?

    • December 6, 2010 9:22 am

      Seriously. Have him read this. Stop with the sticking crap in your ear! Put some olive oil in there to relieve the itch! Not. Worth. It.
      (And honestly? Any excuse to avoid the pool and I’m there because this is not the best time for me to be in a bathing suit!)

  6. December 3, 2010 5:14 pm

    DUDE!!!! I am speechless. Thats the craziest thing I ever heard.

  7. December 4, 2010 12:17 pm

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That’s the scariest thing ever!

    • December 6, 2010 9:23 am

      I think I’m going today (dude is fully booked) and reading these comments isn’t helping my confidence! HA!


  1. I Think I’ve Been Hexed « Lori Dyan

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