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Mob Moms R Us

December 8, 2010

Last weekend the Serb and I were discussing the mafia (as you do) when he informed me that I would make an excellent mob wife*. Some women would be insulted by this insinuation, but I am not one of those women. In fact, I completely agree with him. Here are but a few reasons why I would make a kick-ass mob moll:

1) I have the hair for it

You guys, my hair is made for the mob. I could probably hide a small firearm in there if necessary – it’s Loretta Lynn circa 1960 meets Peg Bundy circa any-day-of-the-week. Straightening irons crumble to dust when I bring them near my pouf, and for good reason: my lid and I cannot be tamed.

Like looking in a mirror.

2) I like bling

Okay, I don’t really have anything very blingy as of today, but I’m not averse to getting some. I also have the Jimmy Dean sausage-esque fingers to pull off those rocks the size of ring pops.

Come to mama...

3) I can take a bitch down

Anyone who’s seen me go Taco Bell knows this to be true.

4) I have a shady past

It wasn’t Bada Bing, but I did spend some time waitressing in an Australian strip bar back in my twenties. I never actually took my clothes off, and most men thought I was a wayward librarian, but the fact remains: mama has street cred.

5) I am not afraid of carbs

In fact, you could say I have a very deep obsession healthy respect for them. I also know my way around a slab of prosciutto (not a euphemism).

Hello, gorgeous.

6) I am a great liar

With the interrogation I’ve been getting from my seven-year-old about Santa this year, I’m confident I could pass a polygraph.

7) I will happily show off “the girls”

Now that I’m fully locked and loaded I have no problem bringing the girls out to play.

In this number the girls become women

8 ) I know how to hide stuff

I have presents for Christmas and my husband’s birthday hidden all over my house. If I want something hidden, it stays hidden (sometimes until Easter).

9) I understand the importance of family

I almost cut the kid who intentionally mowed down my son in a bouncy castle when he was a toddler. Nothing brings out my inner mama bear like somebody messing with my cubs.

10) I dig tall, dark and handsome men

With apologies to all you Nordic types, I love me a swarthy dude.

*Granted, I’ve never (knowingly) consorted with any mob wives, so I’m going strictly by what I’ve picked up from The Sopranos and Married to the Mob (and yes, this falls high on my list of movies that rock).

My sister from another mister.

18 Comments leave one →
  1. December 8, 2010 9:57 am

    I love this blog. It comes to my inbox and I sit at work silently guffawing. It reminds me of those Laurie Notaro books. Keep writing!!

    • December 8, 2010 1:12 pm

      Melissa – thank you SO much for taking the time to write me such kind words. You have no idea how timely they are – let’s just say that I really needed to know that someone besides my grandma was really enjoying my writing….

      Again, thank you!

  2. December 8, 2010 10:19 am

    hahahaha… you know, I think I could be a mob mama too, and probably quite enjoy it!!!

    • December 8, 2010 1:07 pm

      I know, right!?!? Although the killing part wouldn’t be so fun…

  3. December 8, 2010 1:43 pm

    This is why I love your blog. You are killing me. Damn you would be a good mob wife!

  4. December 8, 2010 2:10 pm

    Have you ever written a bad post? Fahget About It! I would like to thank you because I am sure my abs are getting hotter from laughing at your blog!

    Where do I begin?! I am a quarter Italian. I can eat like nobody’s business. I can bring it in the hair volume department. I love the bling and would consider less ethical ways of acquiring some. I wrote a whole post on Don’t Mess with the Mama Bear ( I would mame someone for pasta, red wine and meat! And don’t forget the Tiramisu please!

  5. ryoko861 permalink
    December 8, 2010 8:23 pm

    I’m missing the big hair.

    I’ve been known to act my way out of situations.

    Now that I’m older, I don’t mind showing cleavage. It’s a nice cleavage I’ve been told.

    Great post! Thoroughly enjoyed it!

  6. TheIdiotSpeaketh permalink
    December 8, 2010 9:10 pm

    LMAO! I wouldn’t tangle with ya!….especially with the girls “locked and loaded”… 🙂

  7. December 8, 2010 10:49 pm

    I heart you. You could out-carmel Carmela Soprano any day!

  8. December 9, 2010 8:44 am

    I have just recently started reading your blog and LOVE it. I laugh so hard I snort sometimes- this was one of those times!

    • December 9, 2010 10:14 am

      Aimee – thanks so much for stopping by and especially for leaving such a sweet comment – making people snort is my mission in life…


  9. December 9, 2010 10:56 am

    As I reading this, I imagine you as one of the Charlie’s Angel! hahaha great post Lori. I check your blog dialy cause it always made my day!

  10. December 9, 2010 11:40 am

    This made me laugh (read some more) and laugh (read some more) and laugh!
    I’m the same way with the tall, dark and handsome type.

  11. December 9, 2010 2:43 pm

    Holy crap you ARE a mob wife…why have I never thought of that before.
    Can I just be one of your bitches? Like Gayle to Oprah but with hot men…not like Stedman??
    I will personally vouch for Lori waitressing in a strip club…why the hell didn’t I do that too!

  12. December 10, 2010 1:06 am

    I love this! And I’m totally jealous of your head of hair. Based on what you’ve written, I think I have what it takes to be the Christopher to your Tony. Femalely-speaking, of course. And if you’ll have me.

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