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I Think I’ve Been Hexed

December 10, 2010

Since the psycho-smack-down last week I’ve only caught a few glimpses of my nutty neighbour, but the craziest things happen to us every time we do see her and I’m left with only one logical conclusion: she’s put a curse on us.

It started with the workers who finished our renos without her lunacy assistance. Our kitchen sink has made a gurgling sound when it drains for the last couple of years (did I mention we suck at home repairs?) and the reno dudes offered to fix it at the end of the job. According to them, the pipes weren’t properly installed and we were missing some curvy part that was essential.

That morning my husband saw M ducking into her garage. That afternoon the dudes re-did our pipes. That evening we put the dishwasher on and the pipes under our sink burst, spewing water like a fire hydrant. Yesterday a proper plumber came and $500 later, we now have a sink that works (turns out we should’ve simply snaked it…whatever that means…).

As for myself, M and I had studiously ignored each other the day before my grosstastic ear infection started* and again last night when I took out the garbage. Returning to the kitchen, I realized that I’d misplaced the cookie orders for the hippie school fundraiser. Without these orders, we would be left the following day with hundreds of boxes of quickly defrosting cookie dough and no clue where it should go.

I tore the house apart looking (to no avail) before finally collapsing beside my husband. In the middle of the night my three-year-old woke up and came into our bed complaining of a sore ear, but she kept forgetting which one hurt, so I chalked it up to her needing some cuddles.

My husband’s stomach was a bit upset so I gave him some TUMS and left him to sleep with our daughter while I joined my seven-year-old in his room (does anyone else play musical beds?).

In the dead of night I was woken by the screams of my son. In a stupor I leapt out of bed and headed for the door… or what would’ve been the door in my bedroom. In my son’s room, it was the wall I headed for, tripping over something and going face-first into the closed closet door. I belly-crawled like a wounded soldier down the hallway and felt frantically for my son in the darkness of my bedroom.

“Mommy – what you doing?!” my daughter screeched. Crap. I’d shaken her awake. I dragged my son, still wailing, to his room and climbed into bed with him. He’d had a nightmare, woken up, and his sister had taken all of the covers. He was inconsolable.

I could hear my daughter freaking out in the other room and moments later my husband threw her in the bed beside me.

“I’ve been sick all night,” he croaked. “I haven’t slept at all. You have to take her.”

I now had an arm wrapped around each sniffly kid. Good news: they both fell asleep almost instantly. Bad news: I was trapped like a horizontal scarecrow. Over the next two hours, my arms turned progressively more numb, then moved on to pins and needles, then went completely limp. I finally eased my way out about ten minutes before they both woke up.

The next day, I found the order forms in the garage, babied my sick husband, dealt with the plumber, organized the cookies and came home to make dinner for the family before realizing we’d run out of laundry detergent (nobody has clean undies), and night time pull-ups for my daughter. About halfway through dinner, I realized I was getting sick, too. I’m now in the throes of the worst flu of my life – my eyelashes ache.

I’m doing this post in the hopes that anyone out there who knows voodoo can reverse this mother f’ing hex. Alternatively, if you’re driving by and have a spare bottle of Tide, I’d appreciate a loaner…

Me, this very moment.

* For those of you on the edge of your seat, the sadistic doctor sucked all sorts of debris out of my ear and it barely hurt…I now have a bit of a crush on him, actually…

13 Comments leave one →
  1. Amanda permalink
    December 10, 2010 8:15 am

    I don’t know any voodoo, but I once killed a gerbil with my mind. Also a geriatric cat. And a friend up near you (Ottawa) wants me to check out some hoodoo (similar to voodoo) root doctors and report back. He’s curious and y’all don’t have root doctors in Canada.

    Sooooooo… What do you want to have happen to this neighbor? Hair loss? Hair growth? Acne? Bunions? What? I have promised to use my powers for good, but I’ll see what the root doctor has to offer.

    Also–underwear, while desirable, is not strictly necessary.

    • December 10, 2010 8:40 am

      You are awesome. I truly appreciate the offers of hair loss, etc. but would be thrilled if she’d just move the frig away…

      • Amanda permalink
        December 10, 2010 11:13 am

        A friend of mine once put a hoodoo curse on her ex-boyfriend that would have made him move to rural Mississippi (aka hell on earth). I don’t recall the outcome, but apparently “move the frig away” is in fact on the hoodoo curse list. Giving her a beard or calling down a rain of frogs might be more fun though. OOOOH! I have something else you could use for “rain.” Jus sayin. 🙂

  2. ryoko861 permalink
    December 10, 2010 9:02 am

    LMAO!! Gawd, don’t you hate nights like that!!?? Like “WTF? type of nights?

    Ugh, kitchen sinks! I’m a DIYer and they can be a BITCH to get right! My laundry room ceiling is torn apart because of that damn thing! Grrrr….

    I hope everything smooths out for ya! When it rains, it pours!

  3. December 10, 2010 9:49 am

    GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lori! Imagonnahuntthatbitchdown….and shake her up.

  4. Samantha permalink
    December 10, 2010 9:53 am

    Oh wow! Hopefully that’s the end of it. I have a psycho neighbour as well, I feel your pain. He’s insane. Maybe I’ll write about him sometime too …

  5. December 10, 2010 10:47 am

    You and your writing is! During all that chaotic that happening, your creativity still working! What a sad coincidence! Try your best to not catch a glimpse of the psycho! Avoid all eye contact!!! Anyway… as Asian growing up in Asian country we have plenty of superstitious believe, then come my husband, a Hmong guy with culture based on superstitious. Yes, my child will never get a change to do any normal stuff. In Indonesia, to repel bad curse you need to pour salt around your house to block it. In Hmong culture, hanging a branch from peach tree will do the trick as well. But in my opinion, wearing your with Halloween costume, build a bon fire in your front lawn and singing kumbaya might do the trick too.. 🙂 j/k.
    Oh… underwear is so overrated… but not the pull up unfortunately. Hope all work out Lori, everybody get well and things back to normal!

    • December 10, 2010 10:49 am

      Oy… on that first sentence, what I was trying to say is “You and your writing is amazing!” hmm.. not sure where that amazing word went? Oh ow… I got the curse too! 🙂

  6. December 10, 2010 4:45 pm

    Oh man, your neighbour is getting out of hand! Do you think you can get her to say sorry about this whole thing? Remind her that Christmas is approching and that it’s the perfect time for giving and forgiving!!! Maybe she’ll take away that hex of hers…. or maybe it’ll make things worst and she might just dig the needles in deeper! Who knows! LOL

  7. December 11, 2010 10:25 am

    I am sorry I didn’t think of this sooner – you should have saved whatever the now dreamy doctor sucked out of your ear and baked it into a treat for your neighbor! I don’t know the first thing about voo doo but I am confident this will send the hex to her house or just make you feel vindicated!

    Feel better!!

    • December 11, 2010 11:04 pm

      Awesome idea – can you please move here?

      • December 12, 2010 2:05 pm

        Omg, I thought my husband and I were the only ones that sucked at home repairs too, however I did know what a snake was….hhehhehehe, however, I would never been able to snake the sink myself. lol

      • December 14, 2010 10:09 am

        If you also suck at crafts, then we may be separated at birth…

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