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You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Piss Me Off…

December 22, 2010

Am I the only one dreading Christmas Day? For me, December 25th will be a mixed blessing, one of joy and sorrow. It’s not because the magic of the season is drawing to a close. Nor is it due to the imminent (and inevitable) turkey-cooking-fiasco. I am mourning Christmas morning for one reason: when Mr. Claus heads north, my parental clout heads south.

My kids are disciples of the “he sees you when you’re sleeping” doctrine; probably because I’ve drilled it into them from day one. Since the day after Halloween – right around the time they start forcing Jingle Bells on me – I’ve been playing the Santa-as-Big-Brother (George Orwell, not Julie Chen) card, with fantastic results.

The boy won’t clean his room? No problem. The girl refuses to get dressed? Not a biggie. The boy and girl are scrapping like Colin Firth and Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones’ Diary? Please. Three words from me are all it takes to shut that sh*t down: Santa. Is. Watching.

My seven-year-old son still believes in Santa, but he’s hanging on by a thread (there have been a lot of questions concerning time zones and spatial relations vis-a-vis chimneys). The thought of no Santa is sad for a few reasons, not least of which is that nothing gets my kid in line like the threat idea of Santa knowing his every move.

We saw Santa last weekend* and he played his role to perfection, asking my kids if they’ve been good and putting on an Oscar-worthy performance, thereby bolstering my son’s belief while simultaneously scaring the crap out of my daughter. So really, it was a win-win.

After next weekend, however, I’m back to square one. The. Easter. Bunny. Is. Watching. doesn’t have the same ominous ring to it.

Santa's not just fun and games, son.

* It was so worth it, even with the drama of getting tickets

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. TheIdiotSpeaketh permalink
    December 22, 2010 10:19 am

    LMAO! Love it! I gotta get me one of those shirts! 🙂

  2. December 22, 2010 10:56 am

    Get your kid out of that damn hippy school and he won’t question spatial things…I’m 41 and had to check that I spelled that right – god love public school!

    • December 23, 2010 10:39 am

      HA! I think he gets that from his dad…I’m spatially-challenged too

  3. December 22, 2010 11:50 am

    That’s so funny. I love the Easter Bunny attempt… Yeah it really just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

  4. ryoko861 permalink
    December 22, 2010 12:24 pm

    It’s a real bummer when they find out the truth and the gig is up. Takes some of the fun out of the holiday. Now all you have to continue worrying about it them finding the gifts. That’s why I wrap as I buy, this way if they do find the gifts, at least they’re wrapped.

    Just idle threats of “no birthday presents then” might help with attitude adjustments.

    • December 23, 2010 10:37 am

      Thankfully I have a 3 year old so hopefully I get a few more years out of her…as long as her brother doesn’t blow it!

  5. December 22, 2010 10:47 pm

    I lost the plot of your post because I originally read the Santa-as-Big-Brother as George CLOONEY, not Orwell. So I started thinking about Mr. Clooney, and…

  6. December 23, 2010 5:02 pm

    LOL great post.
    I too have been parading around like I have Santa on speed dial. Well I told my kids I did. Cleaned rooms, perfect manners, less fighting.
    Yea…. I have no idea what I am going to do after Christmas.
    I am starting to fear for my life!

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