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Is Google Drunk?

December 24, 2010

People who follow me on Twitter already know that I’m obsessed intrigued by my blog’s stats. There’s a nifty page only I can access that tells me how many visitors I have and what they’re looking at. But the best part, by far, is the list of top Google searches. Every day I check the list of words people have given Google to be brought to my site. You don’t have to be a master statistician to see certain trends emerging:

1) Toilets

Okay, I admit it – when I started this blog I was pre-occupied with getting my three-year-old to use a toilet. I even coined the term Ass Butler to describe my role in the process. But I ask you: can a handful of potty-related posts justify “toilet” being the number one search term for my site every single day since I started blogging? If it’s not toilet, it’s a derivative of some sort – “toilet go karts” (wtf?), “toilette dyan” (fancy!) and “me pooping in my toilet” (really?) are but a few of the gems I’ve come across.

2) Obscure Celebrities

I would never dare to imitate the genius of Michael K on DListed, so I don’t spend a lot of time commenting on famous people. There is a dearth of A-List mentions here, but if you’re searching for Marion Cunningham, Monica Lewinsky or Phyllis Diller, I just may be the site for you (unless you’re looking for pics of them naked, in which case: eww).

3) The Balkans

I’m married to a Serb and this past summer we spent a month visiting friends and family he hadn’t seen in almost 20 years. Of course I blogged the crap out of it and as a result, I’m now the go-to site for people looking into “Don Juan of Serbia,” “what should I pack for Serbia” and “cheap apartment Sarajevo.” And for this, I apologize (And to the person searching for “naked Bosnian mothers party,” how dare you…)

4) Cooking

God help you if you’ve stumbled across my site looking for some kitchen tips, such as “can you make Yorkshire pudding in an electric fry pan.” I’ve massacred countless batches of cookies and swathed a turkey in bacon to disastrous results. The only successful meal I’ve blogged about involved Kraft Dinner and a can of soup.

5) Sexy Times

The main lesson I’ve taken from blogging is this: Google is full of pervs. I didn’t help my cause by blogging early on about naked parties; however these involved my kids, not “hot moms folding laundry” or “hairy bum Lori” (umm…f-you, Google).

6) Cholas

“Zombie Chola,” “Chola eyebrows,” “Fat Cholas,” “Chola hair”…I could go on, but if I do, then the Cholas have won.

7) Tights On Her Arms

I have no clue what this means and obviously neither do the few dozen people who keep Googling it and coming to my site.

8 ) Grandma

I wrote about my 88-year-old web surfing, Skyping, hot-fireman-calendar-adoring Granny last summer. Since then anyone interested in “granny strippers,” “granny getting squished,” “grandma tantrum” or any variation of “hot granny” lands here. For the record, Grandma is not amused.

9) Big Nose

I took great offense to the plethora of “big nose,” big-ass nose,” “model with big nose” and “disease symptoms large nose pits in skin” searches coming to my site until I remembered the blog mentioning my husband’s prominent proboscis. In Serbia it’s a widely held belief that the bigger the nose, the bigger the equipment, so I’m not minding as much these days.

10) Just plain weird

As I depart for a few days of holiday cheer, let me leave you with some of my favourite searches. When I’m feeling blue, I revisit these and remember that no matter how yucky things may appear, at least I’m not the poor schmuck looking these up:

“Woman’s ass grows around toilet”

“Breast-side down gross”

“Caught my husband in my bra”

“Too smutty to mention”

“Best hookers to call”

And my personal all-time fave:

“Got hookers in the backyard mowing my lawn and they ain’t leavin’ til the sprinklers come on”

Merry Christmas to my wonderful Blogosphere buddies and Happy New Year to all of you crazy Google monsters.

And whatever you’re drinking, Google, I’d like a barrel of it…

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17 Comments leave one →
  1. December 24, 2010 8:23 am

    I had one yesterday “Zambian Cow Foot Stew” Huh? I’m pretty sure I never blogged about that. I spoke of Africa and weird foods I ate there and a few other places, but I’ve never been there.

    I talked about Kenya and Pig’s Feet Gelatin, but somehow google thought that was close enough to bring this zambian cow foot stew person my way.

  2. December 24, 2010 9:07 am

    LOVE. YOUR. WORK. This is amazing, I too cannot believe the pervs out there, but on the other hand I am really not surprised! Thanks for the big belly laughs this year – I have thoroughly enjoyed every single post since you started and look forward to many, many more in 2011. MC to you and yours too! A dear friend & follower of all things LD…

    • December 24, 2010 1:08 pm

      Thanks so much, QT! I look forward to sharing many more of your most private moments with readers over the next year 😀

  3. Rhonda V permalink
    December 24, 2010 11:16 am

    Your blogs ALWAYS make me smile. LOVE your wordsmithing abilities. You deserve to be a multi-award winning, celebrated (& wealthy wouldn’t hurt either, eh?) AUTHOR. KUDOS!

  4. ryoko861 permalink
    December 24, 2010 1:02 pm

    Oh, can I get stats from Google?

    One search phrase I got from Top Searches on WordPress was ‘bored out of my damn mind”.

    I’m feeling really good about myself now. Thanks person who put that in.

    Merry Christmas!

    • December 24, 2010 1:10 pm

      Google is the great equalizer. Today the top search terms include “kid in toilet” and “Santa Claus better not piss”…at least Google is consistent…

      • ryoko861 permalink
        December 26, 2010 9:18 pm

        Hey, if it brings them to your blog, ya can’t complain, right?

      • December 27, 2010 7:52 am

        Ha – I think the pervs looking for hot grannies might disagree! 😉

  5. December 26, 2010 8:46 pm

    Had to say it: Pretty clever! I am at war with spammers.

  6. December 29, 2010 9:35 pm

    I got a “crocheted man thong” yesterday. Did not need that visual!!
    You consistenly crack me up! Thanks!

  7. December 30, 2010 9:34 am

    Oh my gosh those are awesomely awful! Where do some people come up with that stuff?!

    You’re totally right the last one is the best!

    • December 30, 2010 10:24 am

      People are either ridiculously creative or just plain ridiculous…

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