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Vacuum-sealed Turkey: A Love Story

December 29, 2010

With the nightmare of Christmas Eve – and the accompanying stench of rotting shrimp – behind us, we lurched into Christmas morning with blurry-eyed anticipation.

Despite staying up until 1:30 a.m. doing laundry, I was woken up at 5:43 a.m. by my fully-recovered-and-completely-hyper son. And even with me handing out the gifts one-by-one to ensure we appreciated the experience, at 6:20 a.m. all presents were unwrapped, leaving my three-year-old to wander amongst the torn paper asking in a forlorn voice, “Where my uddah peasants?

Our families live far away and despite the lovely offers of friends to have us over for Christmas dinner, we decided at the last minute to spend the entire day in our jammies watching Christmas movies and having as stress-free a day as possible.

To that end, I picked up a “Christmas kit” offered by my local supermarket. If you’ve read my Thanksgiving post, you already know why I didn’t even consider cooking a turkey from scratch; besides, the sweet neighbour who cooked that meal went coconuts on us.

Here’s what came in the kit:

Doesn't it just scream "home for the holidays?"

Butternut squash
Mashed potatoes
Stuffing
Gravy
Cranberry sauce
And, the pièce de résistance for me, a vacuum-sealed, half-cooked turkey

The instructions were simple: stick the turkey in the oven for two hours and for the last half hour, add everything else. The results were mixed: my son only ate the mashed potatoes and meat; my husband said the vegetables tasted like warm ass (I’m guessing that’s a negative?) and only had meat with stuffing; and my daughter ate nothing (I suspect this had more to do with the seven Christmas oranges she devoured waiting at the table).

As for me, I was so happy to have a bird that was neither crispy charcoal nor raw chicken sushi (chushi?) that I practically wept with gratitude. And really, if the evening ends without me cleaning up someone’s vomit, I consider it a win for mom’s everywhere.

You can't have Christmas without Lightning McQueen

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. December 29, 2010 7:03 am

    I actually love cooking, so a shrink wrapped turkey would not be in the cards for me. I got sick on christmas eve, so I opted for eggplant parm instead. It only took 5 minutes to assemble from previously frozen patties. I was so grateful for that weekend my mom gave me a bucket of eggplants from her garden.

    Christmas without the chaos rocks.

  2. December 29, 2010 10:24 am

    Our family only orders! This year we had Honey Baked Ham (I originally typed Hiney- wouldn’t that be interesting!), and last year we had Buca Di Beppo! Without cooking, it is still a ton of work! I don’t think I will do it any other way (especially because 10 people come to my house!)

  3. December 29, 2010 10:53 am

    I like Jamie’s idea of not cooking. Might have to get on her invite list.

    • December 30, 2010 10:23 am

      Better yet, invite her to your place…but you’ll have to arm wrestle me for her 😉

  4. December 30, 2010 10:25 am

    Ladies, Ladies…there is enough of me to go around, however I will only be attending the festivities of whomever doesn’t have kids or have kids old enough to sit in their rooms listening to their iPods and ignoring everyone else while I sit in the living room with my feet up and a drink that never empties in my hand! Start yer bidding now!!!

  5. ryoko861 permalink
    December 31, 2010 5:57 pm

    What exactly does “warm ass” taste like?

  6. January 3, 2011 1:22 am

    I am going to start a Christmas sushi tradition next year. I can’t handle any more turkeys gone bad. Kind of sounds like fowl porn doesn’t it?

    • January 3, 2011 3:37 pm

      But then you could run into fish gone bad, which is even more pervy… 🙂

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