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Bitter About Butter

December 31, 2010

I have long lamented on this site and elsewhere that I suck at baking. Cookies, cupcakes, pies – you name it and I’ll find a way to screw it up. I finally figured out the cause of my horrible track record and – at 40 years of age – it took my mommy to point out the error of my ways.

You know those bricks of butter you get at the supermarket? You know how they have the measurement on the wrapper (1/4 cup, 1/2 cup, etc)? Well I’ve always – like, for 30 years – thought that one of those bricks was one cup of butter. Turns out it’s actually two cups

Did you know this? I did not know this. So, if a recipe called for a half cup of butter, I would cut the brick in half and throw it in, thereby adding a full cup of butter. Then I’d wonder why my cookies were so floppy and greasy. The same goes for countless cakes, banana breads and sauces.

I’ve been giving myself killer heartburn for 30 years, people. It’s even worse for the Serb: he revamped his diet and exercise a few years ago after suffering from some disconcerting heart flutters. He’s now in amazing shape and healthier than ever, but he’s convinced I’ve been trying to kill him with cookies.

I'm not a crappy baker; just an idiot.

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18 Comments leave one →
  1. December 31, 2010 7:47 am

    It reminds me of a friend of mine. She’s actually a great cook now thanks to a farmer friend, the need to be frugal and some moosewood cookbooks. Anyway, back when she was starting to cook, she knew I her cooking friend. She called me up and was like “this recipe says Yield 4 cups. Do you know what yield is and where I can get some?”

    • January 1, 2011 4:22 pm

      She and I in a kitchen would be good for a reality show on the food network…get the fire extinguishers ready!

  2. December 31, 2010 7:50 am

    I meant to say, she knew I was her cooking friend. It’s now one of those funny internal jokes we share that no one else gets.

  3. TheIdiotSpeaketh permalink
    December 31, 2010 11:54 am

    Hello fellow Idiot! 🙂 Welcome to our club 🙂 We have your table waiting…. 🙂

    • January 1, 2011 4:23 pm

      I so thought of you writing this post…I figured it would get me some good bonus points in the idiot club…

  4. December 31, 2010 2:57 pm

    Love this Lori! I think the good news is staying in shape will be so easy with half the butter in your life!

    I am an idiot all the time, it might actually be simpler to list the few times I don’t do something stupid. Unfortunately, I can’t think of any of those times!

    • January 1, 2011 4:23 pm

      I’ll let you know how the ass-whittling goes. I’ve just polished off 10 mini Toblerones, so it’s not looking good…

  5. December 31, 2010 4:33 pm

    Take heart. I am both an idiot AND a crappy baker! 🙂 JK

  6. ryoko861 permalink
    December 31, 2010 6:28 pm

    I can see that happening!!!!
    I buy the butter that’s wrapped in quarter sticks (no, not like dynamite). That has the measurements on the wrapper as well.

    I did learn recently that if a cookie recipe calls for 1 cup of oatmeal, you better use 1 cup of oatmeal. 1/3 cup isn’t going to cut it. My son still laughs at that batch of cookie.

    • January 1, 2011 4:25 pm

      Honey – our butter comes in marked paper, too! You and I need cookie baking 101…with wine!

  7. January 1, 2011 4:18 pm

    Our butter comes in sticks (with measuring wrapped on paper) that are a 1/2 cup each.

    If it wasn’t on the wrapper, I’d have no clue.

    I can’t wait to read about your next baking activity now that this discovery has been made.

    Happy New Year!

    • January 1, 2011 4:21 pm

      Cutie – this is why I suck SO badly: ours come wrapped in paper that has the measurements, too!!!!!!

  8. January 2, 2011 11:24 pm

    he he heeee!!! Ours too comes wrapped in half a cup. I’m not a big fan of reading when I cook either- but I can bake up a storm. And I have recipes that don’t include butter at all if you are interested! 🙂

    • January 3, 2011 3:35 pm

      I think me cooking with proper amounts of butter will seem butter-free to our f’d up taste buds!

  9. January 3, 2011 1:19 am

    Are you sure you aren’t trying to kill him? Like really, really sure?

    I don’t know why you insist your baking sucks. 2x the butter = 2x the delicious in my book.

    • January 3, 2011 3:36 pm

      It does in our house, too…but it makes things a bit soggy. My kids are now officially being weaned off of butter…wish us luck!

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