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Sh*t My Kids Say

January 10, 2011

Sometimes I think my children have been reincarnated, but only halfway. That is, they look like youngish, kid-type people, but they sound like smart-ass frat boys. They don’t actually swear (although with me as their mother, it’s a f***ing miracle), but the one-liners they come up with astound me. Here is but a small sample of their greatest hits:

Blah, blah, blah – who cares?
Three-year-old daughter to anyone who pisses her off

Mommy, you’d look just like Wonder Women if you had breasts.
Seven-year-old son (whom I nursed 24/7 for a year) to me as I donned my bathing suit

I need private time.
Three-year-old as she closes the bathroom door in my face

Him: Grandma, have you been here for a week?
Her: Yes, dear.
Him: Huh. Seems like longer.
My son to my mom as she was leaving for the airport

Mommy, why are your armpits crying?
Daughter to me as I was working out

We do the usual stuff: wake up, make coffee, go for a walk. It’s pretty boring, actually.
Son explaining how he and his two girlfriends (twins!) play “house”

You’re not a lady; you’re a mommy.
Daughter to me on numerous occasions

Jeez – my breath smells like my uncle’s farts.
Son to himself in the mirror (it should be noted that he doesn’t technically have an uncle)

Daughter:   Do you like my mittens?
Classmate:  No.
Daughter:    You don’t know what you’re talking about!
Classmate:   (Stunned silence)
Daughter:    No thank you! (turns and flounces off)
As related to me – breathlessly – by my daughter throughout November

I imagine my daughter being like Dorothy Michaels ("I said good day, sir!")

My son is the George Carlin of grade two.

23 Comments leave one →
  1. ryoko861 permalink
    January 10, 2011 8:25 am

    You have to love it! Amazing what they pick up and perceive in their lives. Made sure you write this all down and you’ll have another good laugh 30 years from now!

    • January 10, 2011 5:28 pm

      That’s why I’m doing the blog – I’m too lazy to journal about them anymore… 😀

  2. January 10, 2011 10:03 am

    Here’s one from my 5 year old last week while we were all having the flu and making sure our son knew the signs.

    Dad: Do you know what diarrhea is?
    Son: No
    Dad: It’s kind of like peeing out of your bum.
    Son: (wide eyed) You mean like mom does?

  3. Super Girl Sarah permalink
    January 10, 2011 10:47 am

    Hahaha! Fatastic!

  4. January 10, 2011 11:16 am

    Mine is one. And he mocks us.

    I’m not even joking. If I sneeze, he’ll fake sneeze after me like it’s the funniest thing in the world. If I ooh and aah over Christmas, lights, he’ll make the stupidest face in the world to mimic what I’m doing.

    I swear to you, it’s not flattery it’s mockery.

    Maybe you’d have to see it.

    • January 10, 2011 5:29 pm

      Ohhh – that was my daughter, too…she’d give us the stink eye at 3 months…you’re in for some interesting times 😉

  5. January 10, 2011 11:55 am

    Clearly they have their mom’s penchant for using word to capture an audience. When are they launching their blogs?

    • January 10, 2011 5:30 pm

      Ha – my son wants a blog but I don’t want him retaliating for me spilling his secrets!

  6. January 10, 2011 11:56 am

    Then you are having a damn good time.

    I say well done.

  7. January 10, 2011 12:19 pm

    Kids.. they do say the darnest things don’t they? What your children say is so funny and to the point! I can see that they get their mom’s creative way with words. 🙂 Few month ago, my daughter ask me this, “Mommy, baby sister is already out of your tummy, then how come your tummy still big?” I can’t win!

  8. January 10, 2011 1:41 pm

    What Paige said!
    My Mad (2.5) has been telling us to be quiet lately. I have NO IDEA where she would have learned it. And can’t help but laugh in her face when she does. Poor thing.

    How you keep a straight face around those two is beyond me!

  9. January 10, 2011 5:20 pm

    Thank you for this post! I so needed a laugh and as my 4 yo consistently tells me- mom your killing me! Your kids killed it today! Thanks’

  10. January 11, 2011 7:50 am

    You are sure hilarious!!!! And yes, your kids have reincarnated, just like their mother. LOL> Nice blog, first time here.


    • January 11, 2011 9:34 am

      I’m so glad you stopped by – thanks! Your site is great and your kids are adorable…I’m also now stalking/following you on twitter!

  11. January 11, 2011 1:59 pm

    my kid yelled out ‘oh for godSAKES’ this morning in my exact tone of voice….you know he’s 2 right…i’m raising a truck driver.
    he says oscar and it sounds like asshole…i’m screwed.

    • January 12, 2011 9:37 pm

      Our kids will make a lovely couple one day…until they get arrested for disorderly conduct and are torn apart…

  12. January 11, 2011 2:23 pm

    Great post!!! I wrote something along these line for our Christmas cards. Check out the post here:

  13. Elena Aitken permalink
    January 18, 2011 2:21 pm

    Love it!! ha ha

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