Skip to content

Death By Grass

January 19, 2011

A few months ago I saw an allergist. He did that scratch test thingy* where a drop of serum is swabbed on your skin and if it reacts, you have an allergy. I had three rows of tiny cuts running from my wrist up my forearm and the results were irrefutable: I am allergic to nature.

He prescribed me an array of ointments, sprays and drops while offering such pearls of wisdom as, “avoid rural areas, grass and trees between March and September.” It should be noted that I live in a fairly ruralish area…with a backyard…and my kids attend a hippie school that’s surrounded by freaking woods.

A lot of people would be saddened upon hearing the doctor’s directive, but not me. You see, being told that I’m allergic to nature explains and validates the complicated relationship I have with it.

The entire time I was visiting my husband’s family in Bosnia, I looked like this:

Without Jackie O sunglasses, I would’ve been quarantined.

But I didn’t have to be in the middle of a cornfield in Nowheresville, Bosnia to be affected.

I’ve been called the Freddy Kruger of the plant world: nothing in my house or yard is safe from my cursed ministrations (the most recent example involves an oregano plant that was bought last Wednesday and thrown out the following Sunday). Aside from dead herbs, I haven’t kept flora in my home since the mid-nineties, when I had a roommate with a green thumb.

I now realize, however, that my sucky horticultural ways were merely nature’s way of keeping us apart; I just wasn’t taking the hint. It also explains why I’d rather get an enema of boiling tar than mow the lawn.

My epitaph.

*My knowledge of all things medical is very sophisticated.


10 Comments leave one →
  1. January 19, 2011 7:02 am

    Oh, dear. I feel for you! I have the same reaction to nature, complete with puffy eyes that look as though I lost a boxing match. It’s very sexy. I have well-meaning hippie friends that tell me to try bee pollen and neti pots, but at this point things are so bad that I just want DRUGS!!

    • January 19, 2011 7:21 am

      I’m gone to this naturopath dude who has me on some pills/drops that have totally cleared up other issues (eczema – barf!) so I’m hoping he can help me with the other stuff (I have to wait until the ‘season’ starts)…the allergist gave me a punch of sprays, etc and said they may not even work! I’ve done that neti pot thing…it works at the time but I didn’t see long-term results (plus it feels bizarre!).

  2. ryoko861 permalink
    January 19, 2011 8:10 am

    Did you see the “Possibly Related Posts”? WTF?

    So in other words, move to the city or don’t go outside.

    I’d take stock in Claritin or something.

    I actually don’t mind mowing the lawn….with the lawn tractor.

  3. January 19, 2011 10:20 am

    Oh dear…I had this once when I was young. But of course, I grew up in Africa. But luckily it clears after a couple of eye drops and lots of fluid intake.

  4. January 19, 2011 12:24 pm

    That’s what I look like around cats..but they are a lot easier to avoid than nature. Does that mean you like the winter because trees and grass are covered in snow and ice?

    • January 21, 2011 7:01 am

      It means that Oct. 1-15 is the only time of year that truly pleases me… 😉

  5. January 20, 2011 7:25 pm

    Wow – allergic to nature. You could swing this in your favor big time. Avoidance of soccer practice, raking leaves, walking outdoors, biking outdoors. Oh, wait. Those are kind of fun. You could wear one of those little white masks like everyone does in Hong Kong?

    • January 21, 2011 7:02 am

      I’ve already told my husband there will be no gardening from this point forward, but I’ll have to hide the drops, etc. so I don’t get better any time soon…

  6. TheIdiotSpeaketh permalink
    January 20, 2011 10:07 pm

    Allergic to Nature… I love it! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: