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Diary of a Hot Yoga Workout

January 24, 2011

5:10 pm
Put dinner on table for ingrates family. Refute son’s claim that his pasta smells like pig’s butt and remind him that mommy is not a short order cook. Ignore rumbling belly that hasn’t been tended to since lunch so as to avoid puking in class.

5:15 pm
Load dishwasher, change laundry, make lunches and search frantically for yoga mat. Simultaneously.

5:20 pm
Find yoga mat/flying carpet in three-year-old daughter’s closet. Hastily throw on yoga gear.

5:25 pm
Leave house completely frazzled, tossing red gym bag (so stuffed with towels, clothes, etc that it resembles Santa’s sack) in the car and peel out of the driveway. Swear at other motorists for duration of the drive. Vow to relax.

5:40 pm
Arrive at yoga studio and realize wallet (with driver’s license and yoga pass card) is at home. With bra.

5:45 pm
Open door to dimly-lit hot yoga room and gasp at the intolerable heat. Find space away from prone bodies splayed about the room. Place mat, towel, extra towel and water on the floor and lie down.

5:46 pm
Close eyes.

5:47 pm
Breathe deeply.

5:48 pm
Fall asleep.

6:00 pm
Eyes snap open as yoga instructor’s voice welcomes everyone to the class. Look around groggily and realize dozens of people sneaked in during nap-time. Now have lady with aversion to shaving her pits encroaching on one side and dude with aversion to underwear of any kind in front.

6:01 pm
Even more off-putting: lithe yoga instructor, whose ass looks like two coconuts tied to a telephone pole. Decide to look in mirror at her instead of self.

6:02 – 7:00 pm
And so it begins: bending, sweating, balancing, sweating, stretching, aligning, sweating and, for a brief moment during dancer’s pose, a hint of barfing.

7:05 pm
Wobble out of the class feeling equal parts exhilarated and exhausted, with a raging case of “yoga brain” (i.e. extreme dopiness…see also: dummy mummy, aka mother-of-a-newborn).

7:10 pm
Have a shower in the spa-like change-room, taking advantage of the one chance this week to shave legs without three-year-old daughter trying to wrench shaver away.

7:25 pm
Stumble to the car (careful to cover freewheeling breasticles) feeling ten pounds lighter.

7:30 pm
Drive home, bemoaning forgetfulness of wallet as Dairy Queen (with Blizzard sale!) comes into view.

7:45 pm
Enter house to find it cleaned up, with both kids tucked into bed, fast asleep. Have best sleep in recent memory. Vow to do hot yoga every day for rest of life.

Why yes, that is me.

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25 Comments leave one →
  1. January 24, 2011 6:45 am

    Awesome picture. I love yoga but my place downtown closed. What I really need around here is a yoga instructor with a good business sense so that a studio can stay open for longer than 6 months.

  2. January 24, 2011 7:08 am

    Love it. I tried yoga in my early twentys once and decided it wasn’t for me. Back then being more chill and centered wasn’t for me. I just wanted to drop kick stuff out. Now- I kinda need more chill, Being centered wouldn’t hurt either-will definately be checking it out again I think.

    • January 24, 2011 7:34 am

      If nothing else, it helps me get through Canadian winter…I close my eyes and pretend I’m on a beach. A really, really stinky beach.

  3. January 24, 2011 7:12 am

    Everybody is doing Bikram except me! (pout, whine, pout some more) PLUS! it leads to miracles?

    That’s it. I’m moving back to civilization.

    • January 24, 2011 7:36 am

      I’ll let you know about the miracle part…

      (and yes, time for you to get back to civilization!)

  4. Brian Hutchinson permalink
    January 24, 2011 7:30 am

    Awesome post, tired yoga once, I’m not that bendable anymore.

  5. January 24, 2011 8:37 am

    Alright babe, you look hot! Nuff said 🙂

    • January 24, 2011 8:59 am

      Oh dear – I seem to have misled everyone! That picture is most definitely NOT me – more like the instructor who teaches the class! Unfortunately, my sarcasm didn’t translate very well in the photo caption (i.e. why yes…that is me. Subtext: NOT!). Sorry to burst your bubble 😉

  6. January 24, 2011 10:03 am

    When I lived in Bangkok, I had friends who paid big bucks to do hot yoga. Not me. I did normal yoga. And then lived in heat. But now that I’m freezing in the middle of a Canadian winter, I get it. I can’t click my heels and be in Bangkok anymore.

    And your sarcasm came through. At least to me. But my brain’s hardwired for sarcasm.

    Namaste.

  7. January 24, 2011 11:48 am

    Love me some Bikram. Pre-husband I was doing as many as 10 classes a week!
    Sadly, adulthood doesn’t allow for such luxuries.
    OH, dancer’s pose, My FAVORITE but yes, totally barf inducing. And don’t get me started on the wind moving poses.

    • January 24, 2011 2:06 pm

      My single sister still gets to indulge in heaps of yoga every week…and has the ass to show for it!

  8. January 24, 2011 12:47 pm

    Never even heard of it – and my father-in-law is a yoga instructor! 😀 Guess we don’t talk often enough ;).

    • January 24, 2011 2:06 pm

      Heh – that’s classic. People seem to love or hate hot yoga. I’m sure if I lived somewhere really warm, it might not be as appealing…

  9. January 24, 2011 12:59 pm

    LMAO! Glad you got home without freezing your Breasticles off! A DQ Blizzard sounds real good right now….thanks! 🙂

    • January 24, 2011 2:07 pm

      Oh Mark – I love that the main things you took away from my post were breasticles and ice cream. #men

  10. January 24, 2011 3:23 pm

    I love hot yoga but not so much changing with a bunch of lithe 20-somethings. I made the horrible mistake of going to a class just a few months post-baby. Let’s say that my hanging stomach skin and gianormous boobs probably scared some of those coconut asses into celibacy.

    • January 27, 2011 2:08 pm

      Come to my yoga place – the instructors make you wanna barf but plenty of normal, post-preggo-type women 😀

  11. January 24, 2011 4:44 pm

    Sounds like a great evening. I bet you even got a great nights sleep and at least a cuddle in with the hubby too.

    Crystal

  12. January 24, 2011 10:18 pm

    I’d never heard of hot yoga before – it does sound interesting. Mind you, here in Thailand every activity is hot 🙂

  13. January 27, 2011 2:02 pm

    I’m impressed – that you made it out of the house and that you enjoyed the hot yoga!! One of my good friends did a 30 day hot yoga challenge. Every single day for 30 days. I can’t even commit to make the bed every day for 30 days. She threw up twice and I vowed to never do hot yoga.

    No thank you barf.

    PS: Bad news…we may not be related after all – I would have rooted around for spare change under the car seats to get that Blizzard!!!

    • January 27, 2011 2:11 pm

      Au contraire, my sister – I DID scour the seats for change but had already purged the car of spare change a few days before (timbit for my kid…honest…). If I do hot yoga more than 3 times a week then my body starts to shut down on me. 30 days in a row and I’d look like the wicked witch from Oz after she melts.

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