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Learning to Cook at the Liquor Store

February 28, 2011

My husband, the Serb, is not known for his cooking prowess: when we first met he was subsisting on sandwiches and cereal. Things didn’t change much after we were married – before leaving on business trips, I would go through various takeout menus and highlight the things he liked so that he wouldn’t starve (his friends were equal parts envious and mortified).

Despite these precautions, we would often have phone conversations during my trip that went something like this:

Me: How are you?
Him: Hungry.
Me: What did you have for breakfast?
Him: Cereal.
Me: Lunch?
Him: Cereal.
Me: Dare I ask…dinner?
Him: Ugh. Cereal. I feel kinda sick…

After having kids, he managed to learn a few pasta dishes and he’s a whiz on the barbecue, but the Serb often voices his wish to cook more. For his fortieth birthday my parents gave him a cooking lesson, which he attended this past weekend.

It was held at a liquor store that is set up like a cooking show and the menu – called Comforts of Home – consisted of tantalizing offerings like prosciutto-stuffed chicken breast and included wine pairings. Obviously these were ideal conditions with which to lure a Serb into the kitchen. Or so I thought. (Cue foreboding music)

My first clue that something was amiss came in the form of a text message. Some things you should know to fully appreciate this exchange:

(1) My daughter lost my husband’s wedding ring and I’m trying not to take it personally, but her admonishments that I’m not married to “her” daddy make it difficult.
(2) Before leaving, my husband removed the manicure my daughter had given him (OPI’s Pink-a-Doodle) that morning.
(3) The Serb and I express our love in ways that may seem…inappropriate…to the uninitiated.

This is a fairly typical textversation.

Afterwards, my iPhone was silent for two hours. I had visions of him being manhandled by some foxy forty-somethings or sitting alone in the corner while couples fed each other bison sliders. I feared that whatever he was enduring would put him off cooking entirely.

None of these things happened. As soon as he sat down, a couple of grandmas (Peggy and Penny) swooped in and took my Serb under their collective wing, doting on him for the entire class. Also, it was a cooking demonstration class and he wasn’t actually expected to cook – he simply sat back and enjoyed the show, with unlimited refills of Pinot Noir. Not only that, the dessert was a baked apple dish that his late grandma used to make in Serbia when he was a boy.

So to recap, my husband got babied by some sweet old ladies while a professional chef fed him and liquor store employees saturated him in pricey hootch. It was, in his words, the Best. Saturday. Ever.

17 Comments leave one →
  1. February 28, 2011 7:42 am

    I love it.

    I think a family that communicates through humor, snark and sarcasm is the funniest kind of family.

    Sounds like my kind of class, btw.

  2. February 28, 2011 7:45 am

    The family that snarks together, stays together – I shall have it crocheted onto a pillow…

    And that liquor store thing is genius, because he walked out with a hundred bucks worth of wine!

  3. February 28, 2011 9:27 am

    dude – that text message made my life

  4. February 28, 2011 1:46 pm

    Off topic: I saw this and thought of you. I’ve heard from someone who used it that it actually works, unlike those shitty crystal natural deoderants.

    • February 28, 2011 2:19 pm

      I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that you’re thinking of my pits!!!! I’m ordering some today – I’ll let you know how it goes…thanks SO much!


      • March 2, 2011 7:47 pm

        We really do need to get back to the pits. Mine are starting to stink again after months of reprieve! I’ll go on down now and comment where I’m suppose to.

      • March 3, 2011 11:37 am

        Did you see stay at home babe’s comment with the cream? I plan on ordering some and maybe you and Juliette can whip up a home-made version?

  5. February 28, 2011 5:05 pm

    That string of text messages is very similar to what we text each other and our spouses. Thank you for normalizing this behavior. 🙂 We want to take that cooking class…

    • February 28, 2011 8:54 pm

      Funny how all of us who communicate this way ended up blogging…coincidence? #ithinknot

  6. ryoko861 permalink
    February 28, 2011 6:52 pm

    LMAO!! Totally out of his element. As long as he enjoyed himself!

  7. March 1, 2011 9:45 am

    Holy Moley!! FUNNY!!!!!! My hubs and I have similar text exchanges, I think it’s healthy…or a precursor to one of us being on 60 minutes while the other of us is found floating in the nearby river…Anyhoo, I’m with the Serb: cereal = meal for all occasions and nothing beats getting fed by a chef, pampered by old ladies, and given pricey booze!

  8. TheIdiotSpeaketh permalink
    March 1, 2011 12:42 pm

    Now THAT was indeed a great Saturday!! I envy The Serb! 🙂

  9. March 2, 2011 7:50 pm

    OK, very funny! I’ve lost my train of thought because I’m off thinking about my strange stinky pits….OH, get him chrome color nail polish. It’s not so bad 😆 when he had to go out into the world. I think Michael’s nails were chrome color for at least 3 yrs.

  10. March 2, 2011 10:40 pm

    I wanna go! That sounds like fun, minus the granny part (old ladies get on my nerves, however I find old men HILARIOUS!). You should have gone with him…schedule again- or better yet, take your girlfriends with you!

    • March 3, 2011 11:42 am

      We’ve already signed up for Indian Delights and Summer Grilling 😀

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