Skip to content

Sleep is the New Porn

March 3, 2011

I suspect I’m one of the few parents around who is counting the minutes until puberty invades my house. I welcome the hormonal eruptions. I yearn for boundaries being tested. I embrace the zits, broken curfews and pilfering of my booze. It will all be worth it for me, because another thing teenagers love to do is sleep. And omigodyouguys – I am exhausted.

I used to average nine hours a night and could sleep until noon without even trying. Seven years ago I got knocked up and that put an end to my sweet slumber: I was a whale for nine months and simply turning over in bed required two extra people and a forklift.

As soon as my son was born I became the world’s lightest sleeper and since he grunted like a female tennis player when he slept, I didn’t enter a REM state for about three years (which was – you guessed it – when I got knocked up for the second time). Although I was much less…rotund…while pregnant with my daughter, I had other issues that kept me awake at night (like impetigo and walking pneumonia).

For the last couple of years, my kids have had an unspoken agreement to screw with my sleep. If one sleeps until seven o’clock in the morning (that’s considered sleeping in at our house), the other one is up five times during the night. Until we took the childproofing doorknob thingy off her door, every morning at five-thirty my daughter would holler, “DADDY! OHHHHH DA DOOR! I AWAKE! DAAAAADDY!”

Now she makes her own way into our bed most mornings around four o’clock; however, she tends to arrive wide-awake and in the middle of a conversation with us (i.e. “Hi Mommy. I like cake. Daddy, did you have a doggy? When we go skating? Let’s do puzzles.”).

Not even my sleep armour of eye mask and ear plugs keeps out her rambling. I often bail from the bed to join my son in his room, but he’s gone from grunting in his sleep to flailing and more often than not, I end up with an injury.

Until they hit the teen years, I have a Plan B in the works: I’m entering contests that offer trips to exotic locations. When I win, I look forward to reading postcards – in bed, at noon – from my family telling me all about it.

Consider yourselves lucky that I was actually dressed for this picture.

Advertisements
23 Comments leave one →
  1. March 3, 2011 7:17 am

    Be careful what you wish for!

  2. Brian Hutchinson permalink
    March 3, 2011 7:55 am

    I agree with Irene, but mine sleep all day and are up till two or three in the morning. It took them a few years to learn how to be silent, they are stil working on that.

  3. March 3, 2011 8:15 am

    Well well…I wish I knew this was posted, I would have read it at 4am when I was up. Dude! I’m so with you….my guy and his future wife should call each other for those chattering discussions and leave us the eff alone. I try not to complain because he does GO to sleep like a champ which I wouldn’t trade for anything….but he teases me with the rest of the nights…see I’m so tired this doesn’t make sense…

    • March 3, 2011 11:44 am

      I feel you feeling my pain, sister. In fact, I’m now looking at my post title and trying to figure out what the hell it even means…

  4. March 3, 2011 9:50 am

    Tis true!! I believe all of the pics of me in the first year of my son’s life look just.like.that. I never thought about the extra sleep that comes with teenagers, slamming doors, and screams of “I hate you!” Thanks, I feel a bit better about what awaits me.

    • March 3, 2011 11:44 am

      I’m sure the tone of my “yay teenagers!” posts will change as I get closer to those years…

  5. Elena Aitken permalink
    March 3, 2011 10:15 am

    Wow, I believe that picture of you looks eerily similar to a picture of me when my babes were little.
    But don’t worry, you won’t have to wait that long. My babies are eight and i have to wake them up most mornings for school. And weekends? Ah…they’re old enough to get their own bowls of cereal leaving mommy and daddy to sleep….
    yes, I know you must hate me a little bit right now…but your day will come.

    • March 3, 2011 11:47 am

      My 7yo son goes downstairs to get cereal without us and I come downstairs an hour later to find he’s dismantling the vacuum cleaner with a pickle fork…my daughter would probably put the house up for sale…

  6. March 3, 2011 1:20 pm

    I am so there with you. Right now as we speak I am dying of exhaustion. All I want is sleep. Sweet sweet sleep.
    In fact for my lunch break I am going to sleep in my car.

    • March 3, 2011 4:50 pm

      Damn, woman – sleeping in the car?!??! You, my friend, get the comment of the day month!

  7. March 3, 2011 1:55 pm

    In my house, sleep is sanity’s lost cousin. I remember after my twins turned 4 months and we moved them to another room. I put the monitor on low, placed in near my husband, and wore earplugs. And I still woke up before him. I have good sleepers now, thankfully, though insomnia is my occasional bedfellow.

    Here’s to winning those contests. Do you want me to enter for you? I’m pretty lucky….

    • Lori Dyan permalink
      March 3, 2011 10:37 pm

      Yes please – make it somewhere that requires a minimum of one week away to make it worth the trip…Australia?

  8. March 3, 2011 7:10 pm

    Love. This. Post. The words, the picture, the whole idea behind it.

    My kids are 11 and 13 and my sleep is returning. At long last.

    However, they also stay up until my husband and I want to go to sleep, so the porn part?

    Not so much happening.

    Still. You have to look forward to SOMETHING when it comes to adolescence. And it’s certainly not the acne.

    I’m a silver-lining girl, too.

    • Lori Dyan permalink
      March 3, 2011 10:39 pm

      Great. Only 8 years to go… #feck

  9. March 3, 2011 8:27 pm

    Oh my god – that picture! I am so sorry but I cannot stop laughing. Is that a cold cloth on the back of your neck? ba ha haaaaa. I remember those days vividly. I just thanked my husband for his vasectomy.

    I’m pretty sure our kids (same age as yours) have a conspiracy – if one sleeps good, the other is awake. I’m quite certain they plan it while brushing their teeth before bed.
    I hear whispering and they shut up when I enter the room. They’re all “Okay, tonight, I’m gonna call Mom 32 times after she gets in bed. As soon as she lies down and sounds comfy and I hear her reach into that bowl of m&m’s, I’ll yell. And then I’m gonna get up at 5:30 am and poke her with a book. In the eye. Tomorrow, it’s your turn.”

    And NEVER EVER do they sleep past 7 and even that is a Christmas miracle!!! It’s a conspiracy I tell you!!!

    • Lori Dyan permalink
      March 3, 2011 10:40 pm

      I’m seriously wondering if we’re just living each other’s lives in a parallel universe, a la Gwyneth in Sliding Doors. If so, I need to be long hair Gwyneth, even though she has the crappier life…I could never pull off the short lid…

  10. March 4, 2011 8:17 am

    heheh.

    rolling on the floor.

    so sorry.

    you think you’re going to get sleep when they get older?

    stop.stop.

    I don’t go to bed till my teens come home.

    oh, you kill me.

    your sweet, sweet innocence.

    young and sleep deprived ALWAYS looks better than older and accumulated years of sleep deprived.

    • March 5, 2011 12:16 pm

      Therein lies the problem – I’m old, sleep deprived and the kids are still young! I am so screwed.

  11. March 5, 2011 8:59 pm

    OMG, your comment replies are just as funny or funnier than your post. You make me laugh, buddy-boo. Laughing at the pickle-fork-vaccuum-deconstruction. HA!

  12. March 8, 2011 11:19 am

    I’m loving this stage. My kids will start to hit teenagedom in a few months. They put themselves to bed, get dressed on their own and make me dinner once a week!
    Two nights ago I woke up at midnight (I’d already slept 3 hrs), couldn’t go back to sleep so went out to the living room to read. My daughter was still up. I curled up and watched old episodes of Monk with her. I forget my kids have the whole world to themselves at night!

  13. March 13, 2011 11:01 am

    The photo is priceless. Great site. xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: