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Trust Your Inner Woo Woo

March 10, 2011

Quick – think of five questions. Whatever pops into your mind is fine. Are you thinking of them? I’ll wait… Okay, here are the answers: Yes. Behind the sofa. Seventeen. Spaghetti. Tuesday.

I was close, right? That’s because rather than polishing off a bottle of vino catching up on Alias last Friday night with the Serb, I was at an Intuition Development Workshop. Charlie Sheen’s not the only one exploring alternate dimensions, you guys.

Now, I love a good psychic and have read tarot cards for years. I had a Shamanic Astrologer over for dinner last November and reversed a hex put on me by my freaky neighbour. So when my friend, BJas, found a holistic wellness centre that holds these workshops every month, we decided to check it out. Long story short? I’m totally psychic. Kinda.

I was worried about my fellow intuiters being nutjobs, but everyone looked reassuringly ordinary, as did the two ladies leading the workshop. We sat in a circle and they explained the exercises that we would be doing to flex our telepathic muscles. I sent BJas a message with my mind asking if she had any gum. She didn’t get an answer and I suspected neither of us would be quitting our day jobs anytime soon.

We were paired up with strangers and sat staring at each other for a few minutes, then returned to our seats to “send” each other messages (e.g. a number between one and twenty, any fruit or vegetable, etc.). My partner and I had a few right, but most were spectacularly wrong (who the hell thinks of asparagus?!?). Interestingly, BJas and I had a few close answers, so we figured that our extrasensory wires had accidentally crossed.

Next we were given a small stack of playing cards and told not to look at them. BJas and I took turns writing down each other’s impressions of the cards (e.g. red, low number, face card, etc.) and this is where we kicked clairvoyant ass.

I would say something like, “Face card…diamonds…” and it would be the queen of diamonds. For one of the cards, BJas just said, “Ace of clubs” and BLAMO – there it was. Obviously we were psychic savants; I contemplated which window at home would be best for hanging my giant red, flashing, neon palm sign.

For the final exercise, five paper bags were put in the middle of our circle and we had write down the contents without peeking inside the bags. I wrote down “picture of a car” for the first one and glanced at BJas.

“I think it’s a grey feather,” she said firmly. Sure enough, there was a small grey feather inside the bag. Of the five bags, she was really close on three of them. I sucked donkey balls on all five.

It was at this point that I realized I could never make a living telling people their future. Clearly my talents lie in Vegas, counting cards.

Bonus points if you get this reference.

29 Comments leave one →
  1. March 10, 2011 6:10 am

    I think predicting cards has the potential to make a lot more money.

    This was very funny. People make a living hosting these workshops? How much did the instructors pull in for the night? My entrepreneurial side wants to know. Perhaps I can go into business on the side as it seems a lot easier than getting yoga certified or whatnot.

    • March 10, 2011 7:47 am

      I’ll tell you what, when I play Battleship with my son, I can sink 2 or 3 ships without a miss…if there was a way to make money doing THAT (aside from taking money from my son) I’d be a billionaire!!!

  2. March 10, 2011 7:19 am

    I think counting cards has even more potential. How are you at counting really fast? And are you a very good driver? 34 points for guessing that reference.

    I asked my woo woo about your reference. I got nothing. So I grabbed my wine and went to find Alias, which I intuited was on channel 12. But once again, I was wrong. Not that I cared. Any tv show goes beautifully with wine

    • March 10, 2011 7:46 am

      I’m a very good flyer, baby!
      p.s. I am your loyal follower ’til the end of time because of our shared love of moonshine…

  3. March 10, 2011 9:29 am

    I know nothing about the psychic world. Some days, it’s hard enough to get up in the morning without knowing what middle-class-crisis will befall me.

    And I didn’t get the joke. That happens often.

    I admire your professional development.

    (PS. I’ve given up ellipses for Lent, which made this comment very hard to write).

    • March 10, 2011 12:18 pm

      I may have to offer a prize for the person who gets that reference. Except I don’t do giveaways, so the prize will be a can of soup or similar…

  4. Maria McDonald permalink
    March 10, 2011 11:18 am

    Oh my God, I’m *always* thinking of asparagus! How did you know?

  5. March 10, 2011 11:34 am

    Ok, so in our house “woo woo” means “naked” so this post sent my mind to another universe altogether.

    • March 10, 2011 12:16 pm

      Ha – awesome. I look forward to your post regarding this subject…

  6. March 10, 2011 12:23 pm

    Oh, this was SO much fun! I think we should incorporate the woo woo exercises as “ice breakers” at our next Restless Writers meeting! Ssssh. Don’t tell Maria.

    • March 10, 2011 1:08 pm

      Hee hee hee – many ciders will be required before Maria is ready for the woo woo icebreakers…

  7. March 10, 2011 12:55 pm

    That sounds AWESOME! I wanna go. I even have my tarrot cards already, purchased for me by a card reader as they are supposed to be – at least thats what he told me, I couldnt buy them for myself. Id probably suck but it sounds fun.

    • March 10, 2011 1:08 pm

      You’re right – the cards need to be bought for you – see? You’re half-way there! 😀 Ask at the woo woo stores near you if they do this kind of thing. Ours was through an alternative therapy wellness centre (reiki, etc).

  8. March 10, 2011 2:23 pm

    I Totally want to do this!!! I got a gift of Tarot cards and an instruction manual for Christmas but I haven’t opened it yet because I thought this meant that I was, for sure, going to hell. I mean, I already have a sneaking suspicion that this is the case….

    • March 10, 2011 8:42 pm

      Let’s meet half way (umm…Buffalo?) and I’ll give you a tutorial…I learned from a white witch…I think I just came up with my next blog topic…

  9. TheIdiotSpeaketh permalink
    March 10, 2011 7:57 pm

    “Who ya gonna call?” 🙂

  10. March 10, 2011 8:19 pm

    I used to amaze my friends with my mad Ouija board skills. Of course they were usually drunk and I was usually moving it.

    • March 10, 2011 8:40 pm

      That’s what makes my night with BJas so interesting – we were sober and there was nothing for her to move!

  11. March 10, 2011 8:20 pm

    I heart you.


    This was awesome.

    I wish we were neighbors so we could go to these classes. I would also suck donkey balls. WITH MY GUESSES! Jesus, I’m not there yet.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog!

    • March 10, 2011 8:41 pm

      Heartness from you is a dream come true (check out my rapping skills!) cuz I’m a big fan. And I can’t subscribe cuz I’m a dope who can’t figure out google reader, but I will forever stalk you online…

  12. March 11, 2011 12:46 am

    I have a kind of morbid fascination with this kind of thing. It spooks me to no end, but I am equally enthralled by it. I’m always freaked out that I’ll open some sort of parallel universe in which I am haunted by the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith’s dead husband or something creepy like that. I loved reading this story! You are like totally psychic to the max! 😉

  13. March 11, 2011 1:56 pm

    I went to a psychic when I was younger and she said I’d marry a man in a uniform. I scoffed it off at the time. Years later, I remembered the prediction – my husband is military. Too funny and a little bit creepy!

  14. March 11, 2011 5:51 pm

    Wow! You ARE psychic. Here were my five questions:

    1. Did I forget to shower and brush my teeth today?

    2. Where did the kids stash all their banana peels last year?

    3. How many years has it been since someone asked for my ID while I was purchasing alcohol?

    4. What does NOT feel good coming out my nose?

    5. What’s one of the seven days of the week I’m too tired to have sex with my husband?

    You totally nailed it. (loved this post, by the way.)

    • March 13, 2011 11:31 am

      Can you please move into my neighbourhood? I’d really like to start a community of women who make me pee pee laugh….you could be the Block Watch president…

  15. March 13, 2011 9:30 pm

    You’re totally psychic! Spaghetti was one of my answers! 🙂 Fun post!

  16. March 18, 2011 11:48 am

    Ooooooh, I love this kind of stuff. I mean, learning about it. Not having a palm reader steal my money on a boardwalk and “just $10 more buys you information about your love life!” Not that I’ve ever been duped by a palm reader on the boardwalk or anything.

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