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Dear Everyone: I’m Not Pregnant

March 14, 2011

I went to a naturopath last month for a…let’s just call it a procedure…which resulted in the discovery that I am rife with Candida (aka yeast, aka omigodhowgross), and it can’t be dealt with in a pop-in-a-Monistat-and-be-done-with-it kinda way because this crap has overtaken my body. I’m now on week four of a Candida cleanse in an attempt to starve the yeast. In a nutshell, this means no sugar, dairy, wheat, vinegar, fruit, booze (!!), refined foods or happiness.

The timing is a disaster. Since starting my cleanse, I have: hosted four dinner parties; attended two others; gone to a writer’s group meeting at the home of a chef; been at a Serbian bridal shower (which is like a formal Italian wedding, only fancier and with more food); seen my husband cook a gourmet meal with appropriate wine pairings.

And I can’t enjoy any of it.

Perhaps not coincidentally, I’ve also become a raging bitch. As the yeast in my system dies off (omigodhowgross) it manifests as me losing my sh*t for no apparent reason. During these outbursts the Serb will enquire, “Is that you or the cleanse talking?” which is the equivalent of asking if I might be getting my period soon. There’s a strong possibility that I will punch him in the face before this is over.

Another side effect is people thinking I’m pregnant. When I decline a glass of wine by explaining that I’m doing a cleanse, I get the look: that side-eye you give newly knocked up women who refuse booze because they’re “on antibiotics.” I suppose it’s a testament to how much I drink.

I told my naturopath that I’d persevere on this joy-sucking purification process until my trip to Mexico at the end of March. I can forego flour tortillas for corn without a problem, but passing on the papayas, the salsas, and the Margaritas? No gracias.

Thankfully, my naturopath understands the absurdity of going to Mexico with a bag of brown rice. Not only has she assured me that I will be able to enjoy fruit and other forbidden foods in moderation, she also tested me for sensitivity to different alcohols and Tequila came out the big winner. Now that is a cleanse I can get behind.

Hello, lover…
47 Comments leave one →
  1. March 14, 2011 6:07 am

    Oof. I feel for you. Hope you are feeling better soon! Enjoy Mexico!!

    • March 14, 2011 1:28 pm

      Thanks…we’ll see how if the tequila will kill anything this stupid cleanse doesn’t!

  2. March 14, 2011 11:41 am

    I think I would have gotten a second opinion. From my baker.

    Hope the pregnancy goes well.

  3. March 14, 2011 12:40 pm

    There has to be a pill for this. I know that isn’t natural, but it sounds more fun…

    • March 14, 2011 1:30 pm

      Oh honey – I’m taking pills, drops and other assorted treatments – I’m at war with this thing!

  4. March 14, 2011 1:13 pm

    I don’t know if I could do it. I may have just been yeasty indefinitely.

    I second the second opinion.

    • March 14, 2011 1:30 pm

      I’m on a first-name-basis with my baker (seriously). I’m thinking this may be part of the problem…

  5. ryoko861 permalink
    March 14, 2011 2:08 pm



    Sucks being a woman sometimes, doesn’t it?

    At least it’s not life threatening.

    • March 24, 2011 7:39 am

      It’s only life-threatening for my husband if he keeps up the snarky comments!

  6. March 14, 2011 4:56 pm

    Oh no!!! I had to go on a candida cleanse after I had my second baby and I was a raging maniac. My doctor also told me to forego caffeine. I had a two and a half year old and an infant and let me just say that I pretty much required a Starbuck IV drip 18 hours a day. I lasted three weeks until I cracked. BUT… I felt fantastic afterwards, even though I nearly robbed a See’s Candy store in the process. Good luck! It’s totally worth it. PS Stop reading about candida on the internet. It will totally scare the shit out of you. Look away, look away.

    • March 15, 2011 5:29 pm

      I was scarfing skittles by the handful before this – I think sugar and wheat are my meth and heroin. And you’re right – when I googled images of candida for this post, I saw things that will scar me ’til the end of time…

  7. March 14, 2011 5:17 pm

    I think you will feel better.

  8. Elena Aitken permalink
    March 14, 2011 6:40 pm

    Lori, you’re a stronger woman than I.
    My naturopath has had me doing liver cleanses…YUCK! but I flat out refused to do the yeast cleanse.
    Just think of how clean and un-yeasty you’ll be.
    And really….tequila will kill anything!

    • March 15, 2011 5:26 pm

      Oh – liver cleanse – that involves stinky medicine, non? I think any cleanse, no matter how good for you, kind of sucks…

  9. March 14, 2011 11:15 pm

    Lori, this is the final straw. I am moving next door to you because the similarities abound. Not only am I doing the ridiculous no alcohol and no sweets things for Lent. But I am also following the diet of my doctor of chinese medicine that is gluten (and fun) free!

    I would trade my children for a margaita. Actually, right now, as they’re fighting bed time, I would give them away for free!

    • March 15, 2011 5:25 pm

      OmiGOD! Please move soon – I’m gathering a group of chicks to take over my dreadful street – we will be the anti-Stepford Wives!

  10. March 14, 2011 11:46 pm

    Holy hilarious! I know if I started refusing wine everyone would definitely assume I was prego – it’s how they all figured it out when I really was pregnant.

    P.S. A friend of mine went through this and followed the same diet. She still sticks to a lot of it, but most definitely added the booze back in!

    • March 15, 2011 5:24 pm

      I think I’ll be on a modified version for awhile – I feel better, but man do I miss my wine!

  11. March 15, 2011 12:37 am

    That would make me a raging bitch as well. I don’t know how you’ve survived. The big question is: do you need all this good stuff in moderation FOREVER? Because that is truly torture. Effing Candida.

    • March 15, 2011 3:47 pm

      Effing candida indeed. Hopefully I can get back to the good stuff – in moderation – whatever the eff that means.

  12. March 15, 2011 8:01 am

    I’m so sad for you!

    And I really hope that you feel better soon!

    • March 15, 2011 3:44 pm

      The funny thing is, my body feels better but my mind still wants a DQ Blizzard, hence the crankiness 😀

  13. March 15, 2011 8:06 am

    I’ve heard Tequila can kill and cure anything that ails you. Hang in there until you make it to Mexico. 🙂

  14. March 15, 2011 2:06 pm

    Ugh! I have totally been there my friend! I think of all the “diets” out there the Candida-ousting one is truly the WORST! I will have to vote for you in the the biggest balls contest because it takes some serious cajones to stick to it like you have!!! Good job!!!

  15. March 15, 2011 5:58 pm

    SUCK IT CANDIDA!!!! You are super woman.

    But umm….I am totally claiming this as an ailment of my own and blaming it for my losing my sh!t daily. Way better than just admitting I am just a raging lunatic.
    Colie Granoli
    PS: I shared a blog award with you sis! Go get it if you want to play 🙂

    • March 17, 2011 12:16 pm

      Toots, I just gotta say – again – I lurv you!!!! I also lurv awards! So this is, like, the perfect comment! I may have to do my part next week because the Serb stole the laptop for work and I’m doing everything via iPhone…the carpel tunnel or whatever you call it has set in! Thank you a million times and huge smooches to you (heh. iPhone autocorrected smooches to smokies…so that too)

  16. March 16, 2011 7:34 pm

    My sister plus 1/2 my friends have candida. My sister has diagnosed me too with it- I’ll choose to ignore her for now.
    Good luck on the diet- it seems torturous 😥 You can do it, superwOmAN!

    • March 17, 2011 12:18 pm

      Hee – thanks, Molly! You wouldn’t believe how much money we save when I’m not eating 😉

  17. March 17, 2011 1:13 am

    Why do I keep reading that as you are rife WITH CANADA???

    Anyway, came by to tell you that YOU are the featured blogger today on Bringing The Funny, She Can Thursdays. (weird title, I know..)

    You are awesome.

    Stop over today, if you can.


    • March 17, 2011 7:47 am

      This is better than being Freshly Pressed…no joke! A million thank you’s wrapped in chardonnay kisses!

    • March 17, 2011 12:19 pm

      You are my fairy blogmother. 😀

  18. March 17, 2011 3:52 am

    My friend had candida and went on the cleanse. It was terrible. She ate ostrich jerky, boiled chicken, and broccoli for months. I hope the cleanse goes well and gets rid of the candida so that you can go back to enjoying those alcoholic beverages again (in moderation).

    • March 17, 2011 7:48 am

      Ugh – been there with the boiled chicken and broccoli…FOR BREAKFAST!!! #barf

  19. March 17, 2011 8:16 am

    Now I would like to stuff my face with croissants and challah. Cleanses are great. But never at the expense of drinking on vacation.

    Was just alerted to what I was missing by GDRPempress. Glad I stopped by!

  20. March 17, 2011 9:00 am

    I say go to Mexico and drink the water. Maybe montezumas revenge will kill the candida? And drink a lot of tequila with the water 🙂

    • March 17, 2011 12:32 pm

      I’ve only just met you, but your advice totally makes sense!

  21. March 18, 2011 9:40 am

    Oh yeah, done this dance. Are you taking nystantin? If it makes you feel less bad, I felt a bajillion times better (AFTER), and it was worth it. My husband did it with me out of solidarity, or more like if you can’t beat the hell out of that raging bitch at least get down in the trenches and be an ass with her. It worked for us. 🙂

    • March 18, 2011 9:51 pm

      Your husband is a rockstar. The first thing mine said when I told him I was doing a cleanse: “Who’s gonna make me nachos?” (note: nachos = guilty pleasure in our house) Fortunately, he sees the fruits of my labour and is now going without dairy.

  22. March 18, 2011 11:44 am

    I can’t think of anything worse than to go without dairy for a day so my thoughts and best wishes are with you. At least you have a very sensitive and understanding naturopath 🙂

    • March 18, 2011 9:55 pm

      The lack of dairy is killing me. I sniffed my husband’s ice cream like some sort of perv the other day.

  23. March 20, 2011 3:16 am

    I had a very similar experience with a doctor in Pittsburgh. She had me on the yeast free diet and taking powdered Nystatin ( like eating a heaping tablespoon of dry powdery dirt and I did it 3 times a day). I did this for well over a year but many symptoms continued so I finally said fu@k it , stopped the diet and started taking Xanax. It was a huge improvement for me. Addiction was far more successful than cleansing and I highly recommend it.

    • March 21, 2011 8:30 am

      That? Is awesome. I see my naturopath on Wednesday and if she doesn’t give me the all clear for some Mexican food, I’m going for the Xanax!

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