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I’m Being Stalked by a Wrong Number

March 17, 2011

When someone calls your home by mistake, the ensuing exchange usually goes something like this:

You: Hello?
Stranger: Is so-and-so there?
You: Nope, you’ve got the wrong number.
Stranger: Oh. Sorry about that.
You: No problem.
Stranger: Bye.
You: Bye.

Easy, simple and not creepy at all, right? A few weeks ago I had a conversation that was the opposite of these things:

Me: Hello?
Stranger: Omigod, you aren’t going to believe the day I had…
Me: Probably not.
Stranger: Wait – who’s this?
Me: This is Lori.
Stranger: You’re kidding! This isn’t Michelle?
Me: No, Lori.
Stranger: That’s so strange! It’s like a kismet thing that I’ve called here because since going to this healing centre I’ve been having weird interactions with people.
Me: Uh huh.

She went on to inform me of all the alternative therapies she’d been doing with her friend Michelle, including energy work and intuitive healing. This would have been bizarre enough on its own, except that I’m no stranger to the woo woo (as the Serb refers to it) and had recently done my own telepathy workshop. I couldn’t exactly throw stones from my Swarovski-encrusted house so I asked this woman if she’d attended the same workshop.

“I wish! It sounds fascinating! Are you into that? Where do you live? We should get together!” Her crazy train had crossed the tracks from the Land of Exuberance to Coconutsville, population: her.

Fortunately my kids are like feral dogs between five and seven o’clock, so I was able to use their hollering as an excuse to get off the phone. She reminded me to call her and repeated her name. I assured her that my call display would allow me to get in touch with her should the need arise.

That alone would be a pretty strange experience, wouldn’t you agree? A week later she called again.

Me: Hello?
Psycho Nut Job: Omigod. Have I done it again? It’s me, Psycho Nut Job!
Me: Erm…
PNJ: How have you been? Did you go back to that place with the workshops?
Me: Uh…
PNJ: You never called me! Do you wanna get a coffee some time? I live near Rathburn Street? Are you near there?
Me: Not really. I, um, have to go…
PNJ: Oh. Okay. Well be sure to call if you have time for coffee or something. I think we’d have lots to talk about!
Me: <click>

I’m not sure what to make of this. Was this lady, who put the strange in stranger, calling me on purpose? Or was it totally random? Am I attracting these people on a metaphysical level?

The Serb is concerned. He’s ready to have a little talk of his own with my kooky little pal. I keep telling him that we have her number on call display, so if I’m momnapped he can always call her to get me back.

The Serb is not amused.

I think I just peed my pants a little bit.

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63 Comments leave one →
  1. March 17, 2011 8:25 am

    oh my…yeah i might skip that coffee date…too funny that she would jump right into such a convo with someone that is a wrong number…she probably needs a friend…wonder if michelle gave her the wrong number on purpose…lol

    empress sent me….

  2. March 17, 2011 8:28 am

    My Dad once called his Dad, long distance and talked for around 20 minutes . . . before he realized it was the wrong number. Everything matched up, how’s the garden, how you been, blah blah. Until he asked, ‘Mom at work?’ To which the man said, ‘Son, you know your Mom ain’t worked a day in her life.’ Being that my Dad use to drive her to work on occasion, alarms started going off. We still haven’t let him live it down. But he still kinda wonders where and who exactly he called 😉

  3. March 17, 2011 8:29 am

    The caller is in the house…

  4. March 17, 2011 8:36 am

    These are the times when you must program her number into your phone. Her name will be— “Crazy Psycho Lady— DO NOT PICK UP!”

  5. March 17, 2011 8:44 am

    I’ve often felt like my own train has crossed over the Land of Exuberance to Coconutsville…

    But I continue to call anyway (-:

  6. March 17, 2011 8:45 am

    Did I mention LOFL at Cocountsville?

    Sorry, I’ll grow up soon.

    Maybe.

    • March 17, 2011 12:34 pm

      Posse don’t grow up yet. Your sense of humor is my target audience…

  7. March 17, 2011 8:45 am

    hmmm – if it was a dude I was going to tell you to give me his number…but this is just creepy….she sounds harmless though, tell the Serb to relax and dance to some retro tunes.

    • March 17, 2011 12:34 pm

      Ha! We need to get you and your bionic foot over here for some dancing!

  8. March 17, 2011 8:57 am

    Ew. Too creepy. We’ve gotten couple of those lately. The last one I just handed the phone to my 17 month old and let him yell at them for a while. Great fun!

    • March 17, 2011 12:33 pm

      I think I really like you and will now commence stalking you online. But not in a creepy way.

  9. March 17, 2011 9:04 am

    Serb is not the only one not amused.

    Congrats, woman, on being the funny lady of the week.

    Because, you know…if I’m not really laughing LOL, not the fake kind, then, it’s just not the funny of the week.

    And I ALWAYS do here.

    You are wonderful.

  10. March 17, 2011 9:50 am

    Congrats on being the funny lady over at the Empress’ place. Totally deserved. You are one funny lady.

    This is crazy but I would actually think to myself…I wonder if this pscho lady is good with kids. Maybe she could help with my monsters.

    • March 17, 2011 12:30 pm

      Ha! I’m gonna totally threaten my kids with her if they misbehave…thanks for the kind words 😀

  11. March 17, 2011 10:00 am

    She sounds harmless, even entertaining, but probably best to block her number. The next thing you know she’ll be hanging out in your living room smoking wacky weed and burning incense.

    Yes, best to block her.

    🙂

    • March 17, 2011 12:28 pm

      Yes. Blocking is an excellent option…and the Serb at the door with a baseball bat…

  12. ryoko861 permalink
    March 17, 2011 10:35 am

    You wonder why. Fate brings people into our lives for a reason. This was probably to assure you that you haven’t lost your marbles yet, that you are most definitely a sane person. Having this weirdo call you was proof positive. Makes life interesting though. Like Jenny said, she’s harmless. Just very into her chakra or whatever they call it.

    • March 17, 2011 12:26 pm

      I am learning a LOT of lessons with the wackadoos coming my way…

  13. Mel permalink
    March 17, 2011 10:46 am

    Once I had a wrong number that was just kinda strange. I was about 16 years old, and probably sounded a good few years younger (in my 20s I still had people asking “Can I talk to your mum or dad?”). The phone rang, and I answered:

    PNJ: Can I speak to Mr Wall?
    Me: Sorry, there’s no-one here by that name. (wtf? She sounds waaay too old to do a prank call!)
    PNJ: Can I speak to Mr Wall?
    Me: I think you have the wrong number.
    PNJ: Look, I know you’re a Miss, I’m a Mrs and I want to talk to Mr Wall.
    Me: There’s no Mr Wall here, you have the wrong number.
    PNJ: Is this ?
    Me: It is, but there’s still no Mr Wall here.
    PNJ: I want to talk to Mr Wall.
    Me: (Finally getting a clue) Goodbye.

    She called back a few minutes later for a repeat performance, but that time it only took me a moment to realise I could hang up. My conclusion is that she thought I was having an affair with her husband. Slightly disturbing when you remember that I sounded like I was about 12…

    • March 17, 2011 12:24 pm

      Holy crap…I would’ve started wondering if I was Mrs. Wall….

  14. March 17, 2011 11:10 am

    So, the Serb says I can’t call anymore?

    Sniff.

    • March 17, 2011 12:23 pm

      I will set up a secure phoneline for you, like at the White House…

      • March 17, 2011 7:23 pm

        Are you using an ellipsis to tease me?

      • March 17, 2011 7:28 pm

        Honey, I’m off sugar, dairy, wheat and booze…this is my only vice!

  15. The Perfectly Imperfect One permalink
    March 17, 2011 12:44 pm

    Gotta love the crazies!

  16. March 17, 2011 2:23 pm

    ….so happy to have stumbled in here! Love your writing and will definately be back for more.

    • March 17, 2011 2:45 pm

      Yay – I’m glad to have found you, too! Thanks for dropping by…

  17. March 17, 2011 2:50 pm

    I would have hung up the phone after I told her she had the wrong number.

  18. March 17, 2011 5:05 pm

    When I was a teenager, I had a separate phone line from my parents, and this guy used to call me at least once a month and say he had a wrong number. Then he would proceed to tell me he was a photographer and would I consider posing nude for him? Every. Single. Month.

    I think he and your psycho nut job might be related.

  19. March 17, 2011 6:24 pm

    Coupla comments:

    1. In my world (which is a crazy place but not quite Coconutsville, I’ll admit), a “woo woo” is a euphemism for “down there.” So you can imagine my bewilderment (and subsequent amusement) as I read your sentence that concluded “…I’m no stranger to the woo woo (as the Serb refers to it) and had recently done my own telepathy workshop.” Just thought I’d share, so that you can in turn share with the Serb that not all woo woos are created equally. 😉

    2. You must have coffee with this woman. Or at least more phone convos. After all, it’s amazing blogger fodder. Come on, Lori…take one for the team!

    • March 17, 2011 8:34 pm

      A psychic woo woo would be awesome for predicting action.

    • March 18, 2011 7:47 pm

      Mikalee, here in the voodoo bungalow, a woo woo is also a, you know, thing, a down there kind of thing. So I was also freaked to read–on my very first visit to this blog–“I’m no stranger to the woo woo (as the Serb refers to it) and had recently done my own telepathy workshop.” Vagina workarounds, Serbs and telepathy: I have found my people!

      • March 18, 2011 9:57 pm

        THIS MADE ME SPEW WATER ON MY KEYBOARD!!! I have to stop drinking any liquids while online – you dames are too bloody funny! I suspect I will love your blog…back in a sec…

  20. March 17, 2011 9:33 pm

    Oh, I see, THIS is why we’re not friends. I knew I should have texted you instead. Damn.

    • March 17, 2011 9:37 pm

      I just spit water on my keyboard – always the sign of a Sister From Another Mister. Well played.

  21. March 18, 2011 12:26 am

    I wouldn’t have had to call back if you had seen me sitting outside, holding two coffees… I got your ESP message and came straight over…

    (ellipses for Ironic Mom)

  22. March 18, 2011 2:12 am

    This was so funny – in a freaky way! visiting via Pamela at Road to Joy! I had a caller one time because of a crossed line in our apartment complex – he’d heard me telling my dad my ex was leaving me and wanted to know where I lived and to come offer his condolences. I found out he lived in that complex and I lied up a storm! It was freak out time and I never answered the back bedroom phone again! People can be a bit… wonkers.

  23. March 18, 2011 10:27 am

    Sounds like my old neighbor. I was just small talking with her when I moved in, not realizing this would create a “bond” between the two of us. She was just very lonely and would show up at my house to talk. Luckily I traveled a lot and it wasn’t long before she realized she couldn’t count on me as her bosom buddy.

    That would freak me out…more than just a little.

    • March 18, 2011 9:51 pm

      Yikes – that sounds like MY psycho neighbour…did I move into your ‘hood?

  24. March 18, 2011 11:38 am

    I think I was in line behind her at the supermarket once. 😛

    I gave you an award today. I’m sorry if you hate those, because they require that you do stuff once you get them, but you’re welcome to just receive it and move on with your life. I don’t know who the hell started this one, either, because there isn’t even an accompanying brag button to put on your blog to say “Look at me! I’m winning all sorts of awards!”

    At any rate, I love your blog and wanted to tell you so. 🙂

    • March 18, 2011 9:53 pm

      Are you crazy??!?! I freaking LOVE awards! Thank you SO much! I’ll go check it out now…we have a computer on the fritz so I’m doing this on an iphone and may not get to play along (without getting carpal tunnel) but I really, really appreciate it. Reading your comments, I can already tell I’ll be stalking you online…in a good way…

  25. March 18, 2011 11:40 am

    Alexandra from Good Day Regular People recommended your site so of course I had to stop by 🙂 So glad that I did. This story is just chock full of crazy (but also full of awesome blog material!). I don’t know what to make of this either. Kooky harmless stranger or certifiable nut in a crazy house? Either way, I think you should totally screen your calls from now on. Or perhaps have your hubby answer the next time! 🙂

    • March 18, 2011 9:54 pm

      Thanks so much for stopping by! It’s a tough call, sifting the harmless kooks from the certifiables, isn’t it? (I’m harmless, btw)

  26. March 18, 2011 2:49 pm

    I’m sorry. I won’t call a 3rd time.

  27. TheIdiotSpeaketh permalink
    March 18, 2011 7:10 pm

    Sounds like ya got a phone stalker now….lucky you! 🙂

  28. March 19, 2011 9:01 am

    That is hilarious! We lived in the same city with the same number for 4 years, and not a week went by when we didn’t get a phone call from a Yolanda Penny, asking, “Is Charles there?”. Much tamer than your experience!

  29. March 19, 2011 8:20 pm

    ~~~~~~~~~~you tickle my funny bone 🙂

    • March 21, 2011 8:39 am

      Awww – thanks! I needed that today (the first day of the second week of spring break with my two kids)

  30. March 19, 2011 8:56 pm

    Okay- that is just weird! Does that mean I have a cosmic connection with George Clooney just because I watched him on TV today???

  31. March 22, 2011 1:37 pm

    This was hilarious! I’m so glad I discovered your blog. I found you from a post you left a couple months back on a friend’s blog: Inspired by Caffeine & Nicotine. I look forward to following your articles now that I know you exist.
    Thanks!

    • March 22, 2011 9:56 pm

      Hooray – thanks for stopping by – I loved his post about the brows…I wonder if he’s been back for a repeat…

  32. March 22, 2011 10:14 pm

    Umm lets talk about how I literally lol-ed and now everyone is looking at me like I am a weirdo. I lost it when you likened your children to feral dogs and “psycho nut job”. I know you’re stalking me, but I am going to reverse stalk you too, ok?

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