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My Fairy Boob Mother*

March 24, 2011

The walls close in on me. Despite the liberally applied Dove stick, I’m drenched. Time is slipping away and I’m no closer to my goal. Squinting in the shadowy space, I can scarcely fathom the horror before me. In less than a week I leave for Mexico, and I still don’t have a bathing suit.

I’ve had two kids, live in central Canada and am officially closer to 50 than 30, so believe me when I tell you that I have no delusions about how I’m going to look on the beach next week.

However, I haven’t had so much as a strawberry in over a month and my workouts have had me sweating more than Charlie Sheen at an abstinence convention, so clothes are fitting me a little better these days.

Why I ever thought that contorting myself into tight-fitting spandex under harsh lighting was a reward for it, I’ll never know.

Yesterday I slunk into La Vie En Rose (like Victoria’s Secret, without Heidi Klum). Instinctively, I reached for some black bloomers-cum-one-piece-suits and muumuu cover-ups, then headed for the dressing room. Every item was discarded within seconds. I contemplated buying an actual tent and just cutting a hole in the top.

“Howzit goin’ in there?” A voice chirped.

I cracked open the dressing room door. “Not great,” I replied. “I think you can take these.” I thrust my pile of rejects at her.

“Why’re you in these old lady suits?” she demanded. “You need a two-piece with some colour.”

“I don’t think so,” I said. “I’m married with kids – my bikini days are over.” I resisted adding that they had yet to really begin.

Whatever. You’re a hot mama and I know just the colour you need.” With that she flounced off, leaving me standing in a half-open doorway wearing a cover-up that might as well have been a turtleneck.

She returned with an array of tankinis that appeared to support themselves via built-in bras. “Try this one first,” she advised, handing me something with massive padding in a beautiful shade of royal purple. “I just know you’re gonna rock it.”

I was sceptical but sensed that my new BFF wouldn’t be leaving until she saw me in a suit. I pulled it on easily and stared, dumbfounded, at my reflection. I did kinda rock it. The suit obscured and augmented in all the right places – I had bazooms in this thing.

“OmiGOD!” she exclaimed when I opened the door. “I knew it! You are years away from granny suits.”

She gave me a sassy little sundress-style cover-up and the overall result was beyond anything I ever would have picked for myself (which is obviously why she works there and I don’t). Heidi Klum certainly won’t be sh*tting herself if we run into each other next week, but I’ll feel better on the beach than I have in a long time.

I paid for my purchases and actually hugged my new Absolute Favourite Person when I left. I also made her vow not to quit before next month, when I go back for some bras.

I look exactly like this, except for the colour of the suit, obviously.

*Not to be mistaken with my Fairy Blog Mother, The Empress.

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54 Comments leave one →
  1. March 24, 2011 6:11 am

    I pretty much would pay any amount of money to have a swimsuit that was flattering. Thank god for competent retail sales people. I always make the salesladies pick things out for me, especially if I’m the only one in the store. I figure they know the products better than me.

    • March 24, 2011 7:15 am

      I know – I would’ve paid hundreds for this one (but thankfully didn’t have to).

  2. March 24, 2011 6:37 am

    Hilarious! It is surprisito how just the right fit can change the way our body feels and looks. Now it’s up to you to make sure your brain defects that same sassiness when you hit the beach. (Nothing a few cocktails can’t encourage) Have fun!

  3. March 24, 2011 7:17 am

    Please tell me you don’t have those wonky thigh bones like the girl in the picture?

    Tankinis are genius. They allow women with post-baby bodies to feel only semi-lame. After I had my first kid, I discovered Victoria’s Secret’s MiracleSuit. All hail the MiracleSuit! You stuff yourself in like a kielbasa and somehow it squashes everything into the cleavage area.

    I’m jealous about Mexico. Can I stow away in your suitcase?

    • March 24, 2011 7:50 am

      I don’t even have arm bones like her thigh bones…

      p.s. I haven’t done the kale chips…but I added some to soup and according to the fam, it wasn’t “too disgusting.” Um, win?

  4. March 24, 2011 7:23 am

    Awesome, awesome. I am so sure u r going to rock the purple suit!!!!! Have a fantastic time in Mexico!!!!

    • March 24, 2011 7:48 am

      Thanks! I’m either gonna rock the suit or be too drunk to care… 😀

  5. March 24, 2011 8:19 am

    My friend just spent and OBSCENSE amount of cash on a bathing suit….like mortgage payment obscene…I love your saleswoman…you will have such a blast and we will need to share some Serb meat (not yours…you know what I mean) when you’re back! I’ll be here…on the couch still…ugh.

    • March 24, 2011 9:37 am

      I’d be scared to get water on such an expensive suit…and yes, Serb meat awaits!!!

  6. March 24, 2011 9:12 am

    Love this post! And I love me some padding in the boobage area. (I totally need it) it sounds like u got an awesome suit. You’ve worked hard to get in shape so go rock the purple!!!
    Have a great trip!

    • March 24, 2011 2:52 pm

      There’s definitely a boobage shortage in my house, so every little bit helps…

  7. March 24, 2011 10:09 am

    A good fitting, flattering swim suit is worth whatever you paid for it. Yay! And a salesperson like her is worth her weight in gold! Somewhere warm and beachy sounds wonderful right now. Enjoy!

    • March 24, 2011 2:52 pm

      Not sure where you are, but we had 6″ of snow yesterday – I am ready for some heat!

  8. ryoko861 permalink
    March 24, 2011 10:26 am

    Tankini’s are great! But let me tell ya, when you hit the beach, you’ll going to think “And I was worried about what I looked like???” You’re gonna be lookin’ good!!! So don’t worry, enjoy yourself!

    • March 24, 2011 2:53 pm

      Seriously – I could go in a garbage bag and be happy at this point…

  9. March 24, 2011 11:52 am

    Woohoo! Hard work is really paying off! I have no such luck, with 2 weeks away from Bali my tummy is still bigger than my boobs. Oh well. Granny suit here I come!

    • March 24, 2011 2:55 pm

      Oh honey, I never said my stomach was smaller than my boobs – just that the suit puts everything where it needs to be! No granny suits for you – you just need the right person helping you find the right suit 😉

  10. March 24, 2011 12:17 pm

    There’s nothing like a successful swimsuit hunt!! (I speak from experience, having had ONE such successful trip, a few years and *cough* pounds ago.) Have a blast in Mexico!

    • March 24, 2011 2:55 pm

      I think this suit will go in the annals of great discoveries…

  11. March 24, 2011 12:53 pm

    Work here honey! Where in Mexico are you going?

  12. Marianne permalink
    March 24, 2011 1:17 pm

    I used to buy swimsuits that were on sale because I could wear any of them. Now I spend how much is needed to get my body to look the best in the least.

  13. March 24, 2011 2:12 pm

    Good thing you didn’t give up and run away before that lovely salesperson came over to help you. Enjoy your trip to Mexico in that new bathing suit!

  14. March 24, 2011 4:44 pm

    Damn, you look good!

  15. March 24, 2011 5:10 pm

    I bet you DID rock it! I have always found that as much as I freakin’ HATE bathing suits that reveal more, those are the exact ones that look most flattering. I wish I had known this in high school and college.

    Saleswomen that point you in the right direction are worth their weight in padded bras.

    • March 25, 2011 1:11 pm

      Knowing what I know now, I should’ve been walking around campus naked.

  16. March 24, 2011 5:33 pm

    Hilarious! And I’ll bet you do rock it. Have fun!

  17. March 24, 2011 6:17 pm

    I need to go to that shop and get me a suit that gives me bazooms. That sounds awesome. And I am so glad you are happy. Because that makes all the difference. Rock it mama!

  18. March 24, 2011 7:05 pm

    No WAY! I look just like that girl in the end, too; and my suit is the SAME color.

    But I totally have different sunglasses.

    (congratulations on your score of a hot-mama suit. you go rock that beach knowing that Heidi Klum WOULD sh*t her pants if she had to write a hilarious blog. on purpose.)

  19. March 25, 2011 12:13 am

    I will rock the bikini even when I’m eighty much to everyone’s chagrin. Quote me.

  20. March 25, 2011 2:17 am

    Hooray!

    If memory serves me you have had some incidents with sunless tanners, but I always say I could lose 10 pounds or I could just go spray tan! 😉

    PS – I dare you to take a picture with that same dopey “I am a sexy model look on your face!”

  21. March 25, 2011 3:40 pm

    I love bra shopping (I’m hard-to-fit so I shop at a boutique), but hate bathing suit shopping (I’m hard to fit – so the store offerings suck).

    Sigh.

    Feel free to mail the saleswoman to Calgary.

    Happy Beaching!

    • March 27, 2011 9:21 pm

      Y’all just need to come out here for a retreat and I’ll introduce you to my new retail BFF…

  22. March 25, 2011 7:31 pm

    What a wonderful feeling!!
    I can’t believe you had a good experience in that store!
    HUH.
    Your next assignment….Bikini Village!

    • March 27, 2011 9:20 pm

      Oh gawd – I HATE that place – I’d need at least 3 suits to cover me!

  23. March 25, 2011 10:22 pm

    Last year I got a tankini that helped my bazooms and then I upped the ante by teaming it with boy shorts that let me slide on the bikini wax.

    Best damn suit I’ve owned since having kids. Thank you Anne Cole!

    • March 27, 2011 9:20 pm

      A good bathing suit changes one’s entire perspective re. beach-related activities!

  24. March 26, 2011 5:03 pm

    I am SURE there would be loads of s**t in Heidi Klum’s swimsuit if she ran into you. You, and your blog, rock!

    • March 27, 2011 9:19 pm

      Ha! Thanks so much – I’m blushing, but you can’t see it through my spray-on tan!!!

  25. March 26, 2011 8:38 pm

    WOOOHOOO HOT MOMMA!

    Enjoy your trip and rock the shit out of that suit ALL THE TIME!

    • March 27, 2011 9:18 pm

      I’ve put it in my carry-on in case they lose every other item of clothing in my suitcase.

  26. March 31, 2011 8:35 am

    Seething with jealousy.

    I go to these places, grab the granny suits, and the clerks tell me, “nice choice!”

    • March 31, 2011 10:45 am

      You are obviously shopping at the wrong store, with the wrong salespeople, because you are one hot tamale!

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