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My Naturopath’s Gonna Kill Me

March 31, 2011

Dear Dr. Lori,*

I know we made some compromises before my trip about things like no dairy/sugar for Tequila/corn chips, but I have to confess – I haven’t exactly lived up to my end of the bargain. Like, at all.

It started off great: I took rice cakes on the plane and put Splenda in my Mojito. I consumed gallons of water and did serious cardio every day. But here’s the thing: I’ve brought my family to Mexico to hang with my best pal from high school, Lori,* and her family. She lives thousands of miles from me and we’ve recently reconnected after a 15-year estrangement.

So basically, we think of each other (and ourselves, when we’re together) as 25-years-old. We asked ourselves, do we want to look back on this trip in 30 years and congratulate ourselves for eating gluten-free? Or do we want to remember getting so plastered on a homemade vat of Sangria that even my three-year-old was giving me the side-eye?

The ultimate side-eye.

You’re a cool, young (compared to me, anyway) gal, Dr. Lori. I figure you’ll understand. Plus, my kids are still on Eastern Standard Time, which means that they want dinner at 3 pm and breakfast at 4 am. Not many things would drive a woman to drink faster than that schedule (honestly, it’s a miracle that I’m not hoovering gelato by the gallon).

I’ll be home soon enough so you’ll be able to resume your masochistic ways with me. Until then, I have to go and eat my weight in guacamole.

Yours truly,


p.s. To answer the question I know you’re dying to ask: Not really, but I suspect one street taco will get me back on track.

What am I, made of stone?!?!

That would be fried cheese.

*Yes, her name is Lori, too

40 Comments leave one →
  1. March 31, 2011 6:49 am

    Ya gotta live a little, right?

    Nothing brings out my inner brat, Trixie, faster than someone telling me I can’t have something. Add vacation and good friends to that mix and I’d be bound and determined to just let loose!

  2. March 31, 2011 7:59 am

    It’s times like this that I really miss the days before I stopped drinking! But I still eat tacos…

    Have fun!

  3. March 31, 2011 8:19 am

    I’ll pass you the immodium…pepto….and other anti-diarrhea meds. Enjoy your time 😉

  4. March 31, 2011 8:32 am

    Mmmmmmm, eating my weight in guacamole.

    Vacation is totally an inappropriate place to try to go gluten free – it’s a time to sit back, relax, let the mind wander and let your metabolism reset for a little bit … glad to see you got the memo 🙂

  5. March 31, 2011 8:36 am

    You got to live, woman.

    You made the right choices.

  6. March 31, 2011 9:23 am

    The picture of the ultimate side-eye made me laugh–I’d forgotten about that photo!

    And now I want a margarita and fried cheese at 7:20 am. Live it up!

    • March 31, 2011 10:44 am

      I gotta tell you – fried cheese beats kale most days of the week…

  7. March 31, 2011 9:32 am

    I am a firm believer that vacations don’t count in the scheme of diet and exercise. You get a hall pass for the week you’re gone.

    Drooling over the fried cheese.

    [PS Who is that with Sophia Loren and how are her nipples not showing?]

    • March 31, 2011 10:43 am

      That, my friend, is Jayne Mansfield – she got a lot of side-eye in her day. (Fun trivia fact – she’s the mom of Mariska Hargitay from Law & Order)

  8. March 31, 2011 9:51 am

    If ONE street taco can get you back on track, you are a far more stable woman than I, Lori*

    You look super-hot in your bathing suit and the mojitos look super-cool, so I hope the 4am breakfast was delicious and your son’s side-eye could rival Sophia Loren’s.

    (I’d look at those boobs that way, too – DANG it. That’s a lot of gluten?)

    • March 31, 2011 10:41 am

      HA!!!! If gluten gives those boobs, consider me in line for a 7-ft long baguette…

  9. March 31, 2011 9:54 am

    I’m so good at home, but there’s no way I could avoid those things in Mexico. I mean, it’s Mexico! It’s what you’re supposed to do! 😉 I’m sure there’s a horrendous detox diet awaiting you… lol

  10. March 31, 2011 10:13 am

    So when you come back to reality, you do those serious cardio workouts again. You’re on vacation in Mexico, not a fat farm. ENJOY!

  11. March 31, 2011 10:34 am

    Your vacation food of fried cheese sounds better than my vacation food of fried squirrel (as I’m in Southern MO and not Mexico).

  12. March 31, 2011 11:38 am

    The side eye picture is hilarious!!! I’m sure I’d be side-eyeing her bosoms-es too–wondering at what point they would just pop right out of that dress!!

    Mmm, fresh guacamole in Mexico–ENJOY!!!

  13. TheIdiotSpeaketh permalink
    March 31, 2011 12:44 pm

    I am heading off to make myself a margarita… won’t quite be the same in a quiet house….but I’ll imagine I am on a beach somewhere…. 🙂

  14. March 31, 2011 1:54 pm

    I cannot believe you were really heading to Mexico — promise land of the Margarita and the queso — and were going to stick to a diet!!! You are most certainly a glass half full kinda gal! Most impressive. But I’m very proud you didn’t stick to this utter craziness! Carpe Diem! Especially when there’s tequila and cheese to be had!!

    • March 31, 2011 11:38 pm

      I’m writing this while snockered on margaritas and tequila shots – oh holy crap have I ever fallen/jumped off the wagon…and It. Is. Awesome.

    • April 7, 2011 8:31 pm

      I expect you to be equally carpe-diemish when you hit Vegas, baby!

  15. April 1, 2011 12:28 am

    Agreed with the above: diets have no place on vacation.

    Especially one with tequila and fried cheese. And chips. And salsa…

  16. April 1, 2011 10:39 am

    Live it up and enjoy!

  17. April 1, 2011 4:49 pm

    Mmmmm…fried cheese.


  18. April 1, 2011 5:17 pm

    I’m now craving salt, fat, and alcohol.


  19. April 2, 2011 11:36 am

    I see how you roll: You insulate yourself with like-named people so they have a harder time criticizing you. I mean, come on … “if she shares my name,” they must ponder, “I can’t possibly come down on her for stealing my boyfriend/looking better in a tankini than I do/eating copious amounts of fried cheese against my orders…”

    I’m onto you, Lori, and I’m calling you out. Only because my name is not Lori.

  20. April 2, 2011 6:39 pm

    You are my kinda gal! Bottoms up!

  21. April 3, 2011 6:17 pm

    I LOVE Cabo! We go to San Jose del Cabo whenever we go…so quaint and quiet- not the party town of Cabo itself…I miss Cabo.

  22. April 4, 2011 5:37 pm

    You do “snockered” well! Have you been head banging yet? If so, we are definitely related.

    oooh oooh ooooh. I almost forgot…you can now subscribe to The Colie Chronicles by email and just so’s you know – I did that JUST FOR YOU my sista!

    • April 7, 2011 8:36 pm

      I’m SO happy to be subscribed to your blog! I’m back now, but ended up banging a lot more than my head (and not in a sexy way)…

  23. April 4, 2011 7:44 pm



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