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Easter Bunny is a Sadist

April 21, 2011

I grew up having a love/hate relationship with Easter (kinda like Jesus). My family was not particularly religious (as evidenced by my previous comment), so the day was really all about the chocolate.

Unfortunately, I was allergic to all things cocoa as a child (I know!) and my Easter loot was limited to a token white chocolate bunny and some brown chocolate eggs that gave me hives (I know!). Overall, the day was a bit of a bust* and I vowed to make Easter a holiday to remember for my kids. Then I had them.

My son spent his early years at the mercy of my nutbar-first-time-mother ways, which included kelp chips, Tofurutti cones and wheat thin crackers that I referred to as “cookies.” Regrettably, holidays offered him little respite.

When he was three-years-old my son figured out what the Easter Bunny was all about. For the first time, he gathered up the plastic eggs that I’d painstakingly hidden in plain sight. My husband was ready with the camera to capture the moment that our firstborn opened his first Easter egg to reveal…a dried apricot.

The look on my son’s face was one of befuddlement. My husband’s expression was more of the “WTF?” variety. The apricot was quickly discarded for the next treasure: a strawberry. Yet another egg revealed a handful of raisins. The theme was obvious and the Serb was not impressed.

“You’re giving him fruit?” he asked. “For Easter?” Even a small-town Serb who’d grown up half-Orthodox, half-Communist knew this was an epic Easter fail.

“It’s a healthy alternative to chocolate,” I offered.

“It’s lame,” he replied. “He’s gonna think the Easter Bunny’s mad at him.”

My son toddled around munching on his holiday trail mix, oblivious to the affront. Luckily for everyone, our karma came later that day in the form of my husband’s cousin, who just happened to work for Cadbury (I know!).

We carted home buckets of chocolate and my son was able to try some for the very first time. We captured the moment on video and it’s like watching Trainspotting meets The Wiggles.

As often happens, my daughter benefitted greatly from me using my son as a guinea pig. By the time she showed up, I’d pulled my head out of my ass and loosened the sugar embargo. Her second word was “candy” (first word: “gimme”).

* I know what you’re thinking: what about Halloween? I usually got stuck with Twizzlers and Rockets, but would inevitably start scarfing WigWags and then walk around for a week looking like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers.

Happy Easter!

27 Comments leave one →
  1. ryoko861 permalink
    April 21, 2011 7:51 am

    Oh, I know how you feel! I tried to get little toys instead of candy for a while, you know, HotWheels, Pez (without the candy), rubber balls, bubbles…etc. and that ended horribly because I’m a chocoholic. Right, deny my kid of chocolate while I’m stuffing my face with chocolate eggs….and I put as many jelly beans and coins in those plastic eggs. I just gave in and said screw it. They’re 23 and 19 now and they still want the baskets. So the dollar store had these camouflage pattern buckets…..and I have at least 35 dollars worth of candy going in it….85% is chocolate. I’ll probably be scoffing most of it over the next coming weeks.

  2. April 21, 2011 7:55 am

    My kids informed that this year that I don’t need to put candy in their eggs . . . They would prefer money. Happy Easter!

  3. April 21, 2011 8:07 am

    Fruit?! Really?!

    I don’t like chocolate (I’m an absolute freak, I know), but I know that fruit on Easter is forbidden.

    My wife’s family is Greek, and Easter is the “big holiday”. Christmas is great & all, but Easter is where it’s at. To properly celebrate Easter in the church’s eyes, you’ve been fasting throughout Lent – no meat, no sugar, no alcohol, no dairy. I’m pretty sure “no breathing” was on the original list. Anywho, Easter features bottles of ouzo, lamb roasted on a spit, deep fried turkey, at least 10 different kinds of cheese, everything is cooked in butter, and candy by the handful. It’s, like, a religious rule or something.

    • April 22, 2011 2:44 pm

      I know, I know. I suck (not in a good way).

      The Greeks and Serbs are VERY similar in their Easter fasting/binging ways…my husband isn’t eating from lunch onwards tomorrow to prepare for Sunday…

  4. April 21, 2011 12:25 pm

    This cracks me up. I tried to keep the sugar back from my son too, when he was young enough not to know the difference, substituting other things. Then my mom would show up with the Easter Basket from hell full of all things bad. It wasn’t so bad that he got some…. but I ended up eating it!

    • April 22, 2011 2:44 pm

      I KNOW – that’s like me with the apricots and then the cousin from Cadbury shows up with shopping bags full of chocolate.

  5. Deborah the Closet Monster permalink
    April 21, 2011 12:47 pm

    I’m Jewish now, but I loved Easter growing up. Somehow my mom could make magic from $5 if that was all she had. Then again, I was the kid who liked black licorice. It was easy to have my Easter desires met on an hours-before-Easter clearance-candy budget! 😉

    Also? I giggled many times while reading this entry, but the below made me LOL:
    “It’s lame,” he replied. “He’s gonna think the Easter Bunny’s mad at him.”

    Thanks for this!

    • April 22, 2011 2:46 pm

      Thanks for the sweet comment! Even my Jewish friends think I’m psychotic with the candy craziness.

  6. April 21, 2011 1:17 pm

    Trainspotting meets the Wiggles?

    Awesome. Just awesome.

  7. April 21, 2011 2:47 pm

    Last year when my son was 4, I snuck a few pieces of broccoli in some of my son’s easter eggs. I warned him beforehand that the easter bunny may put vegetables in his eggs if he thinks you’re eating too much junk food and not enough vegetables. He was going through a phase of vegetable protest.

    This year I asked my son what he thinks the easter bunny will bring and he said, candy, money (we put loose change in some)..and then he said…sometimes the easter bunny brings you broccoli. He remembered. I wish I recorded the look on his face when he opened the broccoli egg. Priceless…although he got pounds of chocolate too. I don’t think I could have done all health foods..good god that’s cruel.

    • April 22, 2011 2:48 pm

      Luckily the Serb’s relatives have saved him from total scarring…good thing I didn’t think of the broccoli back then!

  8. April 21, 2011 6:08 pm

    Um, laughing over here in Calgary. (And thinking of you b/c Trish and I are going to one of your favourite Calgary haunts tonight: Earls’ lounge. We’re bringing laptops).

    And more proof that we’re sisters: I put cheerios and goldfish in those plastic eggs until my kids were 5.

    Now I give them chocolate but pilfer most of it while they sleep. Community service.

    • April 22, 2011 2:48 pm

      I’ll be doing some midnight raids as well. And yes, totally jealous. KUNG POW with 3 peppers, baby!

  9. April 22, 2011 1:01 pm

    We have a holiday in March that’s like Easter, except without the Jesus and ham, where we dye eggs and give out candy. By the time actual Easter rolls around, I’ve forgotten about it and pretty much ignore it unless the in-laws invited us or are coming over [thanks to work, it’s neither this year. SCORE!]. So I’ll be one of those people scrambling for candy [seriously? A dried apricot?] today.

    I love you and your stories and your sugar embargoes.

    • April 22, 2011 2:49 pm

      Thank you! The love is waaaayyyy mutual 😀

      (ps I think we have the same holiday, but I just call it Easter)

  10. April 22, 2011 9:25 pm

    Can you hook me up with a year-long supply of Cadbury Cream Eggs. Seriously, why are they only available at Easter? Happy Easter!!!

    • April 25, 2011 5:40 pm

      I have some! Let me know if you want them because, seriously, I’m dumping them at night while the kids sleep!

  11. April 23, 2011 5:09 am

    This is a very funny Easter story! 😀 I especially loved the part when your husband said, “He’s gonna think the Easter Bunny’s mad at him.”

  12. April 23, 2011 4:42 pm

    Just stopping by to say hi because I am the worst commentor ever! I’m still reading from my email account, but my iPhone is plotting against me by not letting me comment from it. Keep up the good work my funny friend! xoxo

    • April 25, 2011 5:41 pm

      Dude – I’m in the same boat – actually I thought you weren’t writing because I wasn’t getting my emails. But all is well now and I’m back to getting my Morgan fix 😀

  13. April 23, 2011 11:33 pm

    Oh god, Lori! This is my first visit to your blog. I think I read your guest post somewhere recently and added you. I’m back and so glad. This post is hilarious. Can’t wait to read more!

  14. Elena Aitken permalink
    April 25, 2011 12:50 am

    Lori, you kill me.
    But I have to admit…I may have stuffed fruit to go in my kids eggs the first year they did a big hunt. After that…I got lazy.

    • April 25, 2011 5:42 pm

      Fruit is for the other 364 days of the year…long live the jelly bean!

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