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All-inclusive Resort=Worst Birth Control Ever

May 5, 2011

Were it left up to the Serb and me, we still wouldn’t be parents. Thankfully the universe had other plans.

Eight years ago we were a couple of freewheeling D.I.N.K.S.* living large in the city with only a low-maintenance pussy** to worry about. It merely took unlimited booze and a few minutes hours to kill at a friend’s wedding in Cuba to change everything.

About six weeks after returning home from our trip, my co-worker, M, confided that she might be pregnant. The pharmacy in our building had a “buy one, get one free” promotion on pregnancy tests, so—as a joke—I offered to take one alongside her for moral support.

Back in our office, M scurried into the washroom and sauntered out a few minutes later with a relieved look on her face. Then it was my turn. I hid the kit in my purse and slunk into the bathroom, feeling equal parts devious and ridiculous.

I peed on the stick and put it aside while I washed up. Applying some lipstick, I glanced down and froze: the pee stick was branded with a giant plus sign. My stomach turned over and my knees literally buckled. I thought of all the sushi, brie and—ack!—martinis I’d devoured that month. I fumbled for my cell phone and called M at her desk.

Me: “WHAT DOES PLUS MEAN!?!”
M: “Huh?”
Me: “IS PLUS GOOD OR BAD!?!”
M: “Oh sh*t.”
Me: “Get. In. Here.”

M ran into the bathroom and we both stared at the pee-stained stick with horrific fascination. I refused to accept the results and ran to the store for another test—one that wasn’t in the bargain bin. It, too, was positive (or negative, depending on one’s perspective).

I swore M to secrecy and sat at my desk in a stupor for the rest of the afternoon. Meeting the Serb to take the streetcar home, I pondered the best way to break the news to him.

Me (thrusting stick at him): “Check this out.”
Serb: “What’s that?”
Me: “It’s a pregnancy test. That says I’m pregnant.”
Serb: “What do you mean?”
Me: “It means I’m pregnant.”
Serb: “No you’re not.”
Me: “Yes I am.”
Serb: “No you’re not.”
Me: “Yes I am.”
Etc.

When we arrived home, the Serb insisted on driving to get another test, which I administered in the grocery store washroom. Still positive. Still pregnant.

I immediately demanded a Big Mac (which was a sign of things to come) and we sat in the parking lot of an industrial park, gorging on grease while we gaped at our trio of pregnancy tests.

I was most definitely Knocked Up.

Me, in the parking lot after the third test. I have no idea why I had a camera in the car. Re. my hair: shut up.

* Double Income No KidS (perverts)
** Our cat, Dude (seriously, you guys are a bunch of freaks)

Go on, spill it: how did you find out you’d be a hot mama (or big daddy)? And if you’re not a parent, has reading my blog turned you off procreation for good?


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46 Comments leave one →
  1. May 5, 2011 6:37 am

    I had just finished my first year teaching, so it didn’t really shock me that on the first day of summer break I slept for 21 hours only waking to eat fistfulls of grapes. My husband insisted I take a test when the smell of butter (a mile away) made me queasy and my nearly “A” cup started running over. I thought he was nuts; I had endometriosis and had been told many times by many drs that conception would be a challenge for me. I took the test in the bathroom of a Waffle House & put it in the bottom of a train-case, make-up holder thing. After 3 minutes, we slowly opened the box, peeking in like there may be a deadly spider or a swab of live ebola virus in that case. We saw pink lines everywhere and slamed the lid shut. Ordinarily, this may seem odd to other diners, but it was a Waffle House in the Deep South where pretty much anything goes.

    • May 5, 2011 7:31 am

      I wish I’d had waffles when I found out! Having something come easily to you when you were told it wouldn’t is fantastic!

  2. May 5, 2011 7:08 am

    Wow, look at your face! Your eyes say a lot here. I’m feeling for that woman from eight years ago. How does it all turn out? 🙂

  3. May 5, 2011 7:34 am

    My wife & I went years with trying to get pregnant to no avail. We went to specialists & they really couldn’t find anything to explain why we were in the boat we were. After having a camera take the magical voyage up her uterus to find nothing wrong, having me masturbate into a cup & having them insert the goo via turkey baster, and having her go on some of those infertility medications (and finding that we hated the mood swings that came with them), we decided to adopt.

    A mother picked us out of a book . . . but then decided to keep the kid. Another mother picked us out of the same book, and then had the kid but lied about it because she liked us but didn’t want to tell us that she was keeping it. Then a long time passed where really nothing happened.

    Finally, a third mother picked us out of the book – we made plans to meet with her & her social worker over lunch. About a week before we went down there, my wife says to me “things are crazy right now, but I haven’t had my period.” Hmmm, this wasn’t entirely uncommon.

    Days pass & still nothing . . . “if I don’t get it by Thursday, I’m going to take a test” she says. I say “ok.” Thursday comes, we buy a test in the bargain bin. It’s positive. We buy another one, it’s still positive. The birthmother still ended up choosing us – she gave birth about 2 months after we met her. My wife gave birth 7.5 months later.

    • May 5, 2011 7:39 am

      Omigod – you had two kids within a year?!?! That, my friend, is the best. story. ever. 🙂

    • May 5, 2011 8:24 am

      Reading this made me smile, although the thought of actually having two kids in one year? Terror!

      (Why, yes. Yes, I am glad we don’t have a tendency toward twins in my family!)

      • May 5, 2011 1:35 pm

        My son turned 18 months old, yesterday. My daughter is 10.5 months old. I have two kids, seven months apart. I have two kids under two, and will have two kids under two for the next six months.

        It’s very difficult.

        Every now & then, I’ll only have one of the kids & I’ll see just how much easier it is to only have a single child. Honestly, when the girl was really young, it wasn’t too bad, because she wasn’t mobile – you could stick her anywhere & deal with the toddler & be done with it. Now that they’re both moving, though, but unable to speak, it’s really hard. Really, really hard.

        I often wonder if we’d have been better off with twins. I still don’t know.

      • May 5, 2011 5:32 pm

        Once they start talking it will get better…then in a few more years the hormones kick in and it all goes to hell again…

        Every friend of mine with young kids close in age/twins had a brutal time until they were school age (3-4) and then it got SO much better…hang in there!

      • May 5, 2011 5:08 pm

        I think that any time you have kids under the age of 4 or 5, it’s a bit painful for a while. My friend had twins when her son was only 20 months old and another friend has four kids under the age of 6 – once school starts, I think it gets better 🙂

    • May 5, 2011 2:43 pm

      What a fantastic story!! I promise….I PINKY SWEAR that it gets SO much easier in one year!!! They play together and you get to eat french fries and watch old episodes of “How I Met Your Mother”

      🙂 Hang in there!!

  4. ryoko861 permalink
    May 5, 2011 7:43 am

    Back in 1987, I worked in Personnel which is not called Human Resources. Three women were pregnant. One by one they would announce they were pregnant. We all laughed and thought it must be the water.

    Joke was on me.

    After having a test done at my gyno’s office because I missed a period, I got the happy phone call from the nurse stating I was going to be a mommy.

    I cried big tears of sorrow that night.

    Mine are 23 and 19 now. It’s been an interesting 23 years to say the least.

    • ryoko861 permalink
      May 5, 2011 7:44 am

      that’s suppose to be “which is NOW called Human Resources”.

  5. May 5, 2011 7:59 am

    I love that picture. It’s so very apt.

    We had been trying for over 2 years. I had irregular cycles, had had surgery to repair my unruly uterus, and decided to go back to smoking and drinking because giving it all up to get with child wasn’t working out like I’d hoped. I also gave up *not* being fat and ballooned to an impressive chubbiness.

    We were on our back deck in our teeny Boston condo (also teeny, a city deck, overlooking an unkempt back alley, jus to set the scene) drinking, etc., and talking about adopting a baby. I was ready to get off the trying to get pregnant roller coaster of disappointment.

    However, it had also been 56 days since my last period. Not at all unusual. Typical, even. But I’d gotten into a habit of taking pregnancy tests most cycles, getting a negative result, and willing my period to get on with it.

    This time the god of “in yo’ face! fatty” decided I was not negative. Not at all. Thirty-four weeks, 42 pounds, and one bout of pre-eclampsia later, Bee was born. My womb’s been overachieving ever since.

    • May 5, 2011 5:02 pm

      Aww – your womb was just a late bloomer. So happy to hear these stories! (and 42 lbs is positively skinny – try 60!)

  6. May 5, 2011 8:13 am

    Re: your trio of pregnancy tests–I did the same thing! I was absolutely certain that the first two were defective.

    ps: I think your hair looks cute.

    • May 5, 2011 5:04 pm

      You’re sweet to say so, but the picture doesn’t do my Gazoo poof justice 😉

  7. May 5, 2011 8:20 am

    Oh, I remember the head-spinning shock of seeing a plus where there should’ve been a minus! I was getting ready to toss the stick before it slipped from my hands and I had to steady myself against the sink. I couldn’t see it at the time, but I, too, am thankful the universe had other plans!

    Had it not, my mom would never have met any of her grandchildren. She would’ve lost out on the only painkiller she’d accept in her last few weeks of life. I’d never have heard my previously kids-averse brother-in-law saying, “I don’t know what we’d do without this little guy.”

    And on a lighter note? I wouldn’t have known the joy of seeing everything anew, vicariously, through eyes full of wonder! Yeah, I’m glad the universe laughed at my plans. 😀

    • May 5, 2011 2:46 pm

      that gave me chills – I am so glad that the universe laughed at your plans too:)

      • May 5, 2011 5:09 pm

        Thank you for saying so! Rereading this gave me an opportunity to shift away from work-related grumpiness and remember what’s really important here :p

    • May 5, 2011 5:05 pm

      I LOVE your insights 🙂

      It’s amazing how those Earth-shattering moments can end up being the biggest gifts (big stinky, barfy gifts…)

      • May 5, 2011 5:10 pm

        Thanks, Lori! When I imagined parenthood, I imagined it being all about “big stinky, barfy gifts.” Seriously. I had no idea how much wonder it involved! Sometimes, it’s awesome being proven wrong. *cheer*

  8. May 5, 2011 8:57 am

    Love it!! The pic is priceless! 🙂

    • May 5, 2011 2:53 pm

      agreed – the pic is perfect – your hair is adorable! but you, like fine wine, have gotten even better with age:)

      • May 5, 2011 5:34 pm

        Ha – and you both tie comment of the day! 😀

    • May 5, 2011 5:25 pm

      This picture definitely says a thousand words 😉

  9. May 5, 2011 9:10 am

    DINKS?? Damn, haven’t heard that word in a very long time. In fact, I thought that word died.

  10. May 5, 2011 10:35 am

    My story is eerily similar to yours. Coming back from a friend’s wedding in Florida, our flight was canceled and we ended up spending the night in a Holiday Inn in a strip mall. Boredom set in and, well, you know this tale ends…

    A month later I took I test just to reassure myself that my sore boobs were a sign of my period coming. Instead the double blue line showed up. I screamed for my husband to come up to see what he had to say for himself.

    That child, my daughter, is now 8. When her brother came along 3 years later, we were a bit less hysterical more prepared. As you said, thank goodness the universe took matters into her own hands.

    • May 5, 2011 5:26 pm

      Our stories are similar! I thought you were going to say you killed the boredom at the Holiday Inn by taking pregnancy tests 🙂

  11. May 5, 2011 10:47 am

    You kill me with your hilarity.

    The husband and I found out at Planned Parenthood [YES! They do stuff BESIDES provide abortions] because we had just moved and I didn’t have a doctor. This was a month or so after our honeymoon, when I noticed my boobs were KILLING me and I was kind of weepy.

    Can you say, STUPOR?

    PS LOVE THE HAIR.

  12. May 5, 2011 12:39 pm

    that is CLASSIC Lori! and so you….I’m dying – for real.
    I found out from a nurse – I think it was 2 weeks after my IUI. I didn’t think it woudl be positive so I called from work…and YUP! There she was!!!!! Or rather he….well you get the pic!

  13. May 5, 2011 2:13 pm

    I love you for putting that picture up.

  14. May 5, 2011 2:52 pm

    We had been engaged for about a year and were in the wedding mania when I decided to go off the birth control pill to try to “lose weight for the wedding” – HA HA HA – I ended up 5 months preggo walking down the aisle in my big, white dress…our oldest son (6) was followed by his brother (4) and sister (2) and Baby #4 arrives this October

    I cried like a teenager in trouble when I first saw that plus sign but I now have the life I never knew I always wanted.

    • May 5, 2011 5:33 pm

      Oh crap – that is classic. The universe can be a fickle bastard sometimes (with a wicked sense of humour)

  15. May 5, 2011 4:11 pm

    Lori, I love ya……you have a real gift…..so funny!

    Wonderful post……more more more. (no, I don’t mean more positive tests)

  16. May 5, 2011 4:24 pm

    How did you go 6 weeks without suspecting something?

    My children both required medication to conceive so nothing really unexpected about them. However, my daughter was a bit of a surprised given a negative blood test – if it weren’t for my diligent tracking and my smell sensitive gag reflex returning before a test even showed positive (and I didn’t believe it and had to do another one), I would’ve taken longer to discover it.

    I love this story. And your photo. Priceless.

    • May 5, 2011 5:35 pm

      Kelly – you should know better by now…I was DRUNK for most of it! 😉

      How we all didn’t give birth on a toilet at Wendy’s, I will never know…

  17. May 5, 2011 7:48 pm

    OH.

    PERFECT post with PERFECT picture.

  18. May 5, 2011 8:13 pm

    Your writing is hilarious (as was the story). Me? After months of trying, thermometers upon walking, scheduled sex and a prescription of Clomid, I pretty much knew when I conceived. And any doubt I had disappeared when my nipples became so sore and sensitive that the shower and the sheets hurt. Oh, then there was the five full months of puking. How on earth were you not suspicious for six whole weeks?

    • May 5, 2011 8:14 pm

      upon w-a-k-i-n-g. waking, not walking. I can type, really I can…. 🙂

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